Tag Archives: Sexuality

December 18, 2013

“Hi Daddy Kenneth, This is a question I’ve researched on the Internet with conflicting responses. I am writing an erotic BDSM eBook and I need a good definition of ‘topping from the bottom.’ As indicated, I can’t find consistency for that, other than the obvious – the bottom directs the scene or controls while being penetrated. Is that the extent of the term?”

The problem with finding a universally accepted definition of anything in BDSM, is that there are hardly any universally accepted definitions within the BDSM culture. Even a word as simple as “sir” has different meaning to different people. While some of the meanings may overlap or have similar themes, you would be hard pressed to find two people (from different leather families) with the exact same definition of “sir.” Doing so with complicated concepts is even more difficult.

Most commonly, “topping from the bottom” is a derogatory way to describe a submissive who doesn’t know their proper place; as in, “he claims to be a slave, but all he does is top from the bottom.” This is when a submissive wants to tell a dominant how hard the dominant is allowed to hit, where, when, how many times, and with what instruments. This can be very frustrating for dominants who like to have, you know, control.

A positive definition of “topping from the bottom” is when the submissive penetrates their dominant for the purpose of giving their dominant pleasure. This can also be done with other tools of BDSM that the bottom is skilled in. In this case the dominant would be in the receiving role for the scene, usually called the bottom, but would be directing the scene the way they wanted, usually something the top does.

Outside the BDSM Sub-culture, sometimes the penetrated person in a sexual encounter is really the one driving the encounter, and the penetrator is the more passive participant. Power bottoms and liberated women do this a lot, I’ve noticed. There’s nothing wrong with this practice, and it’s only worth mentioning because it is opposite of the cultural norm.

This brings me to the most universally acceptable (and because I said that someone is going to contradict me) definition of “topping from the bottom” that I can think of. “Any scene where the roles of the participants are opposite of what is expected or typical.”

Do you have a question for “Ask Daddy”? Send me a message and I’ll give it a shot!

December 16, 2013

“Dear Daddy, I consider myself a kinkster. I have fetishes, and I’ve recently begun exploring them in depth. What I am learning about myself, is that my scene identity and my sexual identity appear to be on polar opposite ends of the spectrum. What I mean is that I consider myself to be a submissive. I enjoy being bound, flogged, etc. but sexually I am a top. Is there a place for me in the kink community?”

Yes there is. Don’t let anyone tell you that a sexual top must be a kinky dominant or vice versa. I know plenty of dominants who love to get fucked. Some submissives will fuck their dominant just because he told them to, others will do it because they secretly (or not so secretly) enjoy it. Your kink is how you define it, and anyone who tells you that you’re doing it wrong is violating one of the foundations of our community, respect.

What you may find, however, is that you have to separate your kinky submissive side, from your sexual top side and won’t get to enjoy them together as often as you would like. What you might be surprised to learn, however, is that this is more common than you might think. I flog, tie up, and electrocute guys that I never get to fuck, and I fuck guys that I never get to tie up. I’m okay with this, because I get to fuck enough guys to keep me happy, and I get to tie up enough guys to keep me happy. As much as it would be easier if those guys were always the same guys, it’s also nice to have a variety in one’s life. So tell your vanilla (non-kinky) boyfriend that you’re going to go get tied up for a couple hours, but when you get home you’re going to be so horny that you’re going to fuck him for three hours straight and he won’t be able to sit down tomorrow. If he objects to that, find another boyfriend.

Do you have a question for “Ask Daddy?” Send me a message and I will give it a shot.

August 12, 2013

“I have been roommates with someone for 5 years. I have very strong feelings for him. I find myself very protective and in many ways we function as husbands minus the sex that is. I actually in a lot of ways think of him as I would a primary. Unfortunately, while he does love me, and jokes that we are essentially husbands because we do plan everything and share our lives and accomplishments with each other, I don’t know that he realizes just how strong my feelings actually are. As a result he will make light of them and I end up feeling hurt. I don’t know how to tell him how that makes me feel and I also feel like it is keeping me from seeking out someone that would actually be more reciprocal in their feelings because it is obvious to everyone else how much I actually do love him everyone except maybe him SO I get to be the one that he tells how much he wishes he could find someone to be in a relationship that understands what he wants from a relationship, which is everything I already give him minus the sex, and who will understand his need to be poly, again I end up being his boyfriend’s best friend and often they end up coming to me for relationship advice. which hurts like a son of a bitch let me tell you. He is a great roommate though and so I don’t want to move out to move on. I just want to figure out a way to reconcile the apparent fact that it will never be anything more than almost a relationship with the fact that I am tired of being alone.”

Your roommate is stupid, living under a rock, or he knows exactly how you feel. If I were a betting man, my money would be on the third option. What your roommate doesn’t know is how to tell you exactly how he feels without ruining the great friendship that you share. He wants you as a roommate, a confidant, and a best friend. He is not romantically or sexually interested in you as a life partner.

I am going to go out on a limb and guess that he doesn’t mean to hurt you by making light of your feelings for him, it’s his way of acknowledging those feelings, while trying to let you know that they are not reciprocated. In telling you what he’s looking for in a life partner he’s again trying to tell you that these are the things that he wants, but he wants them from someone else. There could be any number of reasons why he doesn’t see himself in a romantic or sexual relationship with you. I am not going to venture to guess what those reasons are, but I will say that there is one. If he was going to change his mind about you, he would have done it by now, and gone for it with you. Roommates have many opportunities to make what I call the “Oops – first move.” That is a first move made with no (or few) negative consequences. It happens when you’re drunk and you take a risk, or when the power’s out and you’re just “keeping each other warm” or something similar to that. If this hasn’t happened in five years, or if it did happen and the consequences were distinctly negative then it’s not going to happen.I also think that you are trying to protect yourself from fully committing to a relationship outside of the one with your roommate, thereby protecting yourself from this risk involved. You have put yourself in an imaginary primary relationship, leaving nothing for yourself but secondary relationships. In many poly people, secondary relationships are “safer” than primaries because of the “Primary First” rule. The conflict is occurring because reality is not matching your fantasy and your heart is having a hard time accepting that. It’s time to shift your mindset. Try to convince your heart that your roommate is a secondary, and you are on the market for a primary. It’s a scary thought, but put yourself out there. The universe has a funny way of responding.

August 4, 2013

“When you have anal sex, do you just bend them over and lube them up and ram it in with out telling them your going to do it; and make them take it and the pain?”

NO, NO, NO!

This is a common myth about anal sex that is perpetuated by pornography and heterosexual male fantasies (horror stories? nightmares?) In truth, unless the bottom is very experienced, that sort of behavior can do a lot of damage to them. This is quite possibly the reason that heterosexual females don’t enjoy anal sex very much (as a rule.)

In reality, the muscle that you are penetrating when you engage in anal sex exists for the purpose of creating a seal, through which solid matter does not pass. By the time we have reached sexual maturity, people have trained their bodies to keep this muscle closed without conscious effect. This is a learned behavior, and why babies wear diapers which often end up with solid matter in them, and adults do not. In order for a penis to safely and pleasurably pass through that muscle, a person must un-train this now-subconcious-now-default behavior in regards to that muscle.

The process of un-training that muscle takes patience, confidence, and lubrication. Patience on the part of the top who wants to stick something up there, confidence on the part of the bottom who needs to know that there isn’t already something else up there, and lubrication to make the entry pleasurable to both. Once the bottom is confident, go slow, start small (fingers are great) and work your way up. Once the penis has fully penetrated the sphincter (that muscle I was talking about) you can begin to speed up. Make sure you are communicating with your partner to maximize the pleasure that speeding up will produce (and slow down if they ask you to!) and don’t forget to re-lubricate when necessary.

August 3, 2013

“Dear Daddy Kenneth: I have a reoccurring fantasy where I am sandwiched, naked, between a couple I know, having the best sex of my life. What should I do?”

Enjoy the fantasy!

If it is your intent to make that fantasy a reality, you must first decide whether the couple in question is interested in you. Have they given you any clues that they see you sexually? If not, it doesn’t mean that they are not, it could just mean that they think you are not available and respecting your existing or perceived relationship.

Let them know that you are available and interested. If they are interested and available as well, they’ll let you know. Don’t be pushy about your interest, but be genuine. They may have to talk amongst themselves before answering right away.

If they are not interested, it doesn’t mean that you are not attractive or interesting. There may be any number of reasons a couple does not return interest in you, including but not limited to: They are in a monogamous relationship, one is not interested but they are presenting a united front, they are pursing another romantic option that they don’t wish to compromise. They may not share their reason for turning you down with you, but you should respect the fact that they probably have a reason. You should also accept that whatever their reason is, it’s a good one.

Meanwhile, regardless of whether or not you get to fulfill your fantasy, there is nothing at all stopping you from having your fantasy; so enjoy it!