Tag Archives: Sex education

August 4, 2013

“When you have anal sex, do you just bend them over and lube them up and ram it in with out telling them your going to do it; and make them take it and the pain?”


This is a common myth about anal sex that is perpetuated by pornography and heterosexual male fantasies (horror stories? nightmares?) In truth, unless the bottom is very experienced, that sort of behavior can do a lot of damage to them. This is quite possibly the reason that heterosexual females don’t enjoy anal sex very much (as a rule.)

In reality, the muscle that you are penetrating when you engage in anal sex exists for the purpose of creating a seal, through which solid matter does not pass. By the time we have reached sexual maturity, people have trained their bodies to keep this muscle closed without conscious effect. This is a learned behavior, and why babies wear diapers which often end up with solid matter in them, and adults do not. In order for a penis to safely and pleasurably pass through that muscle, a person must un-train this now-subconcious-now-default behavior in regards to that muscle.

The process of un-training that muscle takes patience, confidence, and lubrication. Patience on the part of the top who wants to stick something up there, confidence on the part of the bottom who needs to know that there isn’t already something else up there, and lubrication to make the entry pleasurable to both. Once the bottom is confident, go slow, start small (fingers are great) and work your way up. Once the penis has fully penetrated the sphincter (that muscle I was talking about) you can begin to speed up. Make sure you are communicating with your partner to maximize the pleasure that speeding up will produce (and slow down if they ask you to!) and don’t forget to re-lubricate when necessary.