Tag Archives: Rules

Ferbrary 14, 2014

“Dear Daddy Kenneth, Can a switch or a man who does not accept the roll of Dominant collar someone who is and has accepted being submissive? If the submissive is the babygirl/boy of one man does the switch need permission from the Daddy to collar his lover? If the submissive is also protected and has a play partner, do the protector and play partner have a say in these goings on or is it between the lover and Daddy.”

Collars are symbols that are given meaning by the people who are using them, therefore it is up to the people who are using them to decide when and how to use them. There are some commonly accepted meanings when it comes to collaring, but I’ve seen kinky people turn those meanings on their heads, and utilize a meaning that was better suited to their own situation. So a Switch CAN collar a submissive if he wishes, and the submissive accepts the collar.

I am not sure why the submissive in question would be interested in accepting a collar from someone who was not dominant, but that is between the two of them. If they want to use a collar to symbolize a relationship between them, they should. He should be aware that perceptions from outsiders are going to place him in the role of dominant, and he will spend a great deal of time explaining why he has a collared submissive when he is not dominant.

In poly relationships, I am a big fan of keeping everyone in the loop, and respecting established boundaries. The submissive should ask the daddy what he thinks about the new development in the relationship, and how he thinks the switch should proceed. If the switch has a strong enough relationship with the daddy, the switch should talk to the daddy as well. If the switch is relatively unknown to the daddy, I would recommend that the switch let the submissive deal with the daddy.

As far as who has say in the relationship between the submissive and the switch, only the people in the relationship have say about what happens in the relationship. The play partner, protector, and daddy may all dictate how their relationships with the submissive go, but unless they are in relationships with each other that include the submissive as well (three ways or more ways relationships) they should stay out of the submissive’s other relationships, and focus on their own. They all have an obligation to respect each other and established boundaries, or get the fuck out, but no one should be dictating the the other relationships.

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December 13, 2013

“So I’m feeling very single at there moment. My bf has flaked on our two last date nights because he’s drunk and passes out. We’ve had a great time just hanging out the night before our date night both of those times, though.

“Now he’s gone two days without even texting me – we typically text at least once or twice a day, but I always initiated it, so I wanted to see what happened when I didn’t initiate it.

“We’ve been together almost two months and set expectations & rules. I realize this is an open relationship, but I’m feeling more like it’s a failed relationship.

“I don’t want to be ‘that guy’ that bitches a fit over nothing, but I’m definitely feeling neglected – and I feel he’s ‘cheating’ on me with alcohol. So I’m kind if lost. I’ve had enough failed relationships & want him to work out – I haven’t felt the ‘I’m in love with you’ thing, but I have felt the ‘spending time with you makes me really happy’ thing. Should I say fuck it? Should I confront him? You always are strong for open communication & I’ve pushed open communication a lot in this relationship, but right now I’m just feeling… Disowned, despite my calls for communication if we have issues. I guess I don’t know if this is worth the effort or if I should just abandon it.”

For me, I make the decision to end a relationship when the negativity of the relationship outweighs the positivity of the relationship. If I am left with negative feelings more often then I am left with positive feelings, or the negative feelings I feel far outweigh the positive feelings, it’s a signal that things are not working out. That’s when I make a decision to change the nature of the relationship. One of the other things that I’ve learned is that communication in a relationship is not always verbal. Your partner is communicating with you by his actions, whether or not he realizes it. Your response is a form of communication as well. Be sure you know what you are communicating when you communicate with your partner.

Here is what I hear your partner saying in this situation: “You are not currently a priority in my life.” Your response says, “If I am not a priority in your life, I am not going to make you one in mine.” Now you have a conflict which you can resolve, ignore, or allow it to break your relationship. The choice of how you deal with that conflict is up to you. In your case, it could be as simple as sending your partner a text that says, “I miss you” and if questioned about it, make “I” statements. “I feel like I have not gotten enough time with you lately.” “I feel sad because our last two dates were cancelled.” Don’t make your partner the subject of your statements, own your feelings, and let your partner decide what to do with that information.

Remember what I say about cheating. Cheating is breaking the defined rules of the relationship. If there is no defined rules around alcohol or breaking dates, then your partner is not cheating. If you feel that there there should be some defined rules regarding keeping dates once made, then the next time you are spending time with your partner, or in part of your discussion about your feelings regarding the last two dates, propose a rule that says that once made a date should not be broken. Legitimate, death-in-the-family common-sense exceptions aside. Don’t try spell out what those acceptable exceptions are, because then you’ll end up arguing over whether it’s an exhaustive list or a list of examples. And you’ll be focusing on whether or not something is a legitimate excuse, rather than focusing on the real problems.

Focus on yourself, and what you need and want out of this relationship. Then you can communicate to your partner whether or not you’re needs are being met. Remember, use I statements. “I need a partner who will [blank].” “I feel that my need for [blank] is not being met.” Since you’re already in an open relationship, explore the possibilities that your needs could be met elsewhere. See if you can find a respectful way to inform your partner that you are getting, or looking to get, your needs met elsewhere. Your partner may take the opportunity to start meeting those needs for you.

Remember also, communication does not always require partners to sit down and have a serious conversation with each other. Anything you tell your partner in words and actions is communication. If you don’t want to be “that guy” then don’t. Just let your partner know how you’re feeling. You don’t have to make a huge ordeal out of it, just take the openings you’re given. When you see your partner out at the bar after two days of not texting, give them a kiss and say “I missed you.” When they propose another date, casually ask if they are sure the date works for them, as you don’t want to be stood up again. Don’t be passive aggressive, don’t be vindictive, just be communicative.

Do you have a question for “Ask Daddy”? Contact me with your question and I’ll give it my best shot.

November 25, 2013

“I had someone move in with me last year, and I love him and love being around him, but sexually it’s just not working. I want an open relationship, but only for me. I get extremely jealous if he goes to meet someone else, but because I’m older (by 28 years) and have been around the block so to speak, I know there’s a lot of fun out there that I could be having. Is it wrong to have a one-sided open relationship?”

Right and wrong in relationships is subjective to the people who are in those relationships. Cheating in relationships is breaking the defined rules of the relationship. I suggest that you sit down with your partner and discuss with them what is working for you, and what is not. Then you should listen to them tell you what is working for them and what is not. After that, you will be in a better position to discuss what you want to do in the future. In my relationships, I always believe that what is good for the goose is also good for the gander. With that in mind, I would be careful what you ask for when negotiating your relationship with this person. If you are unwilling to let them have permission to play outside the relationship, you have to be willing to let them put the same limitations on you.

As the older partner, it is your responsibility to make sure that this relationship runs its course (whatever that course may be) and that when it ends, your partner is in no worse shape than when they started this relationship. This means: No new (unwanted) children, no new diseases, and no new scars (emotional or physical.) This is Dan Savage’s campsite rule, leave the campsite in better shape than you found it, and leave your younger partner is better shape than you found them. Cheating on your partner when they have put trust in you, especially when that partner sounds as vulnerable as yours does, is creating new emotional scars that could be with him long after you’re gone.

The way your question is worded gives me pause, and makes me wonder what’s really going on in your head. You are 28 years older than your partner. You know what’s out there, and what’s fun, and you want to have fun without your partner. Meanwhile you expect your partner to stay at home and not have fun. What is the purpose of limiting his options while opening up yours. In my experience that is a classic control mechanism that send up red flags to me, and should send up red flags to anyone with the emotional maturity to recognize them. Which brings me to the HUGE age discrepancy in a relationship, and very difficult to navigate under normal circumstances. But you have set up a world where your partner relies on you for a place to live, and is presumably is emotionally and financially dependent on you. Now you want to make this person sexually dependent on you as well, all the while keeping your options open for other sexual and emotional outlets.

Personally, I don’t like this story at all, but I also accept your premise that he is there by his choice. I also accept that he presumably has equal say in the relationship, and you are going to listen to him when you have that conversation I mentioned earlier. My advice in this situation is: Open relationships work when everyone’s needs are met by the relationships they are in. You know what your needs are, he knows what his needs are. Little rules tend to make big differences when assuring your partner that they are still number one in your life. Not sleeping over with your tricks, and always returning to your partner can help you make sure that your partner still feels loved and wanted. Many couples have “No Kissing” rules because they reserve kissing for only each other.

Whatever the rules are, make sure you keep them! Breaking even the small rules, or the rules that you don’t think are significant can lead to a deterioration of trust. Without trust, there is no relationship. I would also advise you to learn to curb your jealousy and learn to trust your partner. In my experience, jealousy destroys more relationships than it saves. You can talk about times when you are feeling jealous, and discover what makes you feel that way. You can discover if you have a legitimate reason to be jealous, like if your partner is spending 75% of their free time with someone who is not you and you are feeling left out; or if you are merely projecting your insecurities onto your partner’s behavior. Once you’ve decided the root cause of your jealousy, don’t try to change your partner’s behavior, because it will never happen. Change your behavior so that the things causing your jealous reaction go away.