Tag Archives: Relationships

February 26, 2014

“Dear Daddy Kenneth, while I feel that I made the right decision to walk away from a bad relationship for the past year, I feel lost and keep wondering what is wrong with me that I didn’t deserve love and respect. I gave it my all including financial and emotional support. I was never enough. He has jumped right into another relationship and I’m still angry at what he has done to me. I feel like I can’t move on. We don’t speak period so the questions will never be answered. How do I let this go? Sincerely, a hurt soul”

It is very hard to let something go when you’ve held on for a long time. If you thought that you were losing it, and held tighter at the end then letting go is even more difficult. What you have to remember is that even though you walked away rather than sink any more emotional and financial resources into this relationship, you already contributed those resources and you’re going to feel their loss. That’s not even to mention the fact that you are going to feel the loss of the stability you thought you had with this person. Allow yourself to feel, and mourn, that loss. I have a theory that a person is in mourning for their past relationship for half as long as the relationship lasted. This means that your ex-boyfriend is rebounding with his new beau, or he emotionally ended the relationship with you much sooner than you did, and has already mourned its loss.

I find that when relationships end, it’s usually because the people in the relationships want different things out of them. When relationships end badly, it’s because the people in them did not know how to communicate properly about those differences, or they didn’t even try. Most of the time, people assume that their partner knows what they want, and their partner wants the same thing. This is not always the case. Not wanting the same things does not mean that you are not deserving of love and respect, it just means that you partner may not know how to give you love and respect in a way that you can appreciate it. A failure to communicate can leave both partners feeling like they “gave it their all” and just “weren’t good enough.”

The question of what you did wrong, from his point of view, will never be answered completely. What you did was fail to give him what he needed, and fail to tell him what you needed. What he did was fail to give you what you needed, and fail to tell you what he needed. Beyond that, the specifics of his needs and your needs cannot be articulated unless you both drastically change your method of communication with each other. The chances of that happening at this point are negligible.

How do you get over it, and move on? You have to grieve. It sounds to me like you’re already in Anger, which is the second stage of grief, and next you’ll move into Bargaining, followed by Depression and Acceptance. You won’t be able force these, you won’t be able fake any of them; all you can do is let yourself experience them as they come. I recommend that you stay in acceptance as long as you can before you try moving into another relationship yourself. There’s no need to compete with your ex to show who is doing better post-breakup. Surround yourself with friends who love and support you, and work on letting go, one step at a time. You may also want to use your anger to motivate you to block your ex on social media, and remove him from your phone.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

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Ferbrary 14, 2014

“Dear Daddy Kenneth, Can a switch or a man who does not accept the roll of Dominant collar someone who is and has accepted being submissive? If the submissive is the babygirl/boy of one man does the switch need permission from the Daddy to collar his lover? If the submissive is also protected and has a play partner, do the protector and play partner have a say in these goings on or is it between the lover and Daddy.”

Collars are symbols that are given meaning by the people who are using them, therefore it is up to the people who are using them to decide when and how to use them. There are some commonly accepted meanings when it comes to collaring, but I’ve seen kinky people turn those meanings on their heads, and utilize a meaning that was better suited to their own situation. So a Switch CAN collar a submissive if he wishes, and the submissive accepts the collar.

I am not sure why the submissive in question would be interested in accepting a collar from someone who was not dominant, but that is between the two of them. If they want to use a collar to symbolize a relationship between them, they should. He should be aware that perceptions from outsiders are going to place him in the role of dominant, and he will spend a great deal of time explaining why he has a collared submissive when he is not dominant.

In poly relationships, I am a big fan of keeping everyone in the loop, and respecting established boundaries. The submissive should ask the daddy what he thinks about the new development in the relationship, and how he thinks the switch should proceed. If the switch has a strong enough relationship with the daddy, the switch should talk to the daddy as well. If the switch is relatively unknown to the daddy, I would recommend that the switch let the submissive deal with the daddy.

As far as who has say in the relationship between the submissive and the switch, only the people in the relationship have say about what happens in the relationship. The play partner, protector, and daddy may all dictate how their relationships with the submissive go, but unless they are in relationships with each other that include the submissive as well (three ways or more ways relationships) they should stay out of the submissive’s other relationships, and focus on their own. They all have an obligation to respect each other and established boundaries, or get the fuck out, but no one should be dictating the the other relationships.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!

February 10, 2014

“Hey there. I’m 47, in great shape by going to the gym and playing hockey. My health is excellent (I’m HIV negative). I’ve got a tenured job and I’m financially miles ahead of people my age. I’ve been told countless times that I’m a great looking guy, well-read and educated and such.”

“The big problem is that I don’t seem to be able to attract another guy for anything meaningful or long lasting. I’ve had my share of one night stands but that is getting pretty stale with me.”

“Why can’t I get a man for me?”

I have found that sometimes people want boyfriends, but they are not willing to be a boyfriend. Networking consultants will tell you that the most interesting people you will meet at a networking event are those people who ask you about yourself, and forget to tell you about themselves unless asked. If you start off every date by telling your date about yourself the way you told me about yourself, you may be inadvertently turning a potential suitor off. He may see you as selfish, conceited and uninteresting. Make sure that you are asking him about his life, his interests, and his goals.

While you are out dating, don’t discount the people whose health may be outside your definition of “excellent.” There are very wonderful men in the world who happen to be HIV-positive who are very dateable. Research shows that a person living with HIV today, and taking care of his health, has an average life expectancy which matches a person living without HIV. Advances in treatments and prevention can be utilized to keep your health “excellent” even while engaging in barrier-protected sex with your sero-discordant mate. Furthermore, don’t rule out your one night stands as undateable. Just because someone is willing to go home with you and sleep with you the day he met you, does not mean that there is something wrong with, or undesirable about, him as a person.

Be willing to date. Many people have a list of qualifications they expect their mates to meet. Make sure that your standards are not impossibly high, then narrow down your choices in the dating process. Many people believe that you should only go on a first date with the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, and conversely, you should be willing to spend the rest of your life with someone you go on one date with. I disagree. I think you should go on many first dates; as many as you can reasonably go on. If you like a guy, go on a second date, and a third or fourth. Make sure you tell him (on the second or third date) that you are dating other people too. This way when the two of you are ready to “get serious” he can take the other people that you are dating into consideration. At the same time, refrain from comparing the people you are dating, at least out loud. This includes gossip with your friends, trust me, they will be making their own judgements; and anything you say out loud is something the universe can smack you upside the head with later.

Look for dateable men where you are. When I was a stripper, it was not uncommon for a man to ask me how he could see me outside of work. My common response was, “be where I am.” I was not telling guys to stalk me; I was merely saying that if we had common interests, we would run into each other in our day-to-day lives. If there are no dateable men when you are, go somewhere else. But make sure that you’re not going somewhere that you are uncomfortable, just to find a mate, because chances are if he met you there, he’ll want to go back there with you at some point in time.

Above all else, getting a man for yourself involves being a man for someone else. Find out what that means to him, and whether you are willing to do it.

Send me your questions for “Ask Daddy” and I’ll give my best answer in a future column.

November 20, 2013

“Is it ‘UN-sub like’ or ‘UN-boy like’ to be very exacting or assertive in what you want?”

Yes and no. It is useful for a boy or submissive to know exactly what it is that they like, and exactly what it is that they don’t like. It’s also useful to know to what degree they like, or do not like that thing. Often times in new relationships, a sir/daddy/dominate type will try to understand what makes their new boy, or potential new boy, tick. It’s hard to punish a boy by shaving their head if the boy gets off on having their head shaved. Likewise if they enjoy being in Daddy’s company, time “off leash” and away from Daddy isn’t a suitable reward for good behavior. There are some things that are hard limits for boys, and if they experience those things they may decide to leave and never come back (or worse, badmouth Daddy to all their boy friends, and leave Daddy with no one to play with.) Being exact about what you like and what you don’t, and sharing that information with your dominant is a good way to get what you want.

Assertiveness on the other hand, can be problematic. Sir/daddy/dominate types like to be in control in their relationships. That is why they are s/d/d types and not boys or submissives. If they wanted to be told what to do, when to do it, or how to do it, they would be the ones wearing the collars, not the ones holding the leashes. Asserting your rights as a human being is one thing, but asserting yourself sexually or in your BDSM play may be a turn off to your dominant. Remember that while you have the right to emotional, physical, and mental safety in your BDSM relationships, your dominant is much more than the person who wields the whip for your pleasure. Often they have kinks and fetishes of their own. They likely entered into this relationship in order to get those wants and needs filled, not to spend the entire relationship fulfilling your wants and needs.

If you find yourself in a dominant submissive relationship and you are asking yourself, how do I get my wants met, without inconveniencing myself to make sure my partner’s needs are met; chances are you are attempting to take the dominant role in the relationship, regardless of which side of the whip you want to be on. I might add, you are also doing so in a very selfish way. No BDSM relationship should be, in my opinion, one sided. There is give and take, which is why we call it “power exchange”.

My recommendation to any submissive or boy out there who is in a D/s relationship is to ask yourself daily, perhaps as part of your evening devotion, meditation, reflection, or final thoughts before sleep, “What did I do to serve my dominant today, and did I do it in the spirit of service?” When you have an answer daily, without thinking too hard about it, you’ll know that you are being truly “sub-like” or truly “boy-like.” The way your dominant partner says “Thank you” my be pleasant and surprising to you, and may be everything you wanted and needed in that moment. If you are not currently in a D/s relationship, but would like to be, ask yourself each night, “What did I do today to serve my future dominant?”

PS: Service can be the little things you do that you think might go by unnoticed, like not giving your daddy too many dinner choices when he’s had a long day, or listening to his decision when he makes a choice, even if it seems like he just arbitrarily picked the second thing you said. If he gets to relax and enjoy a stress free dinner after a long day, he may be refreshed for some hot play after dinner, or he may just want to relax on the couch with a movie and a boy in his arms. Either way, you win, right?

PPS: An unowned boy or submissive always, always-always-always-always, has the right to say no! Regardless of who is asking, and how they are asking you to do something. If your potential dominant is not willing to listen to your “No” when you’re chatting over text or at the bar, you can bet your ass that he won’t listen when you’re tied up and helpless, and you may loose a lot more than you’re willing to bet when he does. Always! I can’t say it enough. He may be the greatest, most respected, most powerful daddy in the world with the most boys following him everywhere. The greatest gift you can give yourself, and your future dominant is to say “No” to him.

November 18, 2013

“Many of the dominant nature claim the word ‘daddy’, ‘sir’, and ‘master’, while those considered submissive claim ‘boy’, ‘pup’, or ‘sub’. When is it appropriate to call someone by their ‘community’ name as opposed to their birth name? I suppose it varies among individual too.”

Daddy Kenneth Whenever possible, I interact with someone using the name they used when they were introduced to me. I do this because it is polite to do so, and a show of respect to the person who I am interacting with. There are occasions when I am not comfortable using a “community name” to address someone. When that occurs, I typically ask that person for an alternative name to call them. It shows good manners on their part to provide me with an alternative when I request it.

When I am outside the community, I tend to drop the “community” portion of the name, and address someone by their (presumably) given name. Daddy Kenneth becomes Kenneth when I run into him at Safeway. This is out of respect for the person’s privacy. A good rule of thumb is to assume that both your grandmother, and their grandmother are present, and treat the other person the way they would expect you to.

All of that said, some people abuse “community names”, by using them as non-consensual power plays. When a person insists that everyone he knows, regardless of their relationships or community standings, address him as Sir So-and-so; he is demanding the respect that title implies, instead of requesting it. Likewise, people have a tendency to use “boy” or “slave” in a derogatory or disrespectful manner, implying a power exchange relationship that the boy or slave did not consent to.One of the greatest tenants of our community is respect. This includes respect for yourself, and all your fellow human beings. The way I see it, what you do doesn’t matter nearly as much as how you do it. As long as you are doing it with respect you should be good to go. But remember that respect is a two way street, and if the person you are interacting with is disrespectful to you, you are under no obligation to continue to respect them.

August 12, 2013

“I have been roommates with someone for 5 years. I have very strong feelings for him. I find myself very protective and in many ways we function as husbands minus the sex that is. I actually in a lot of ways think of him as I would a primary. Unfortunately, while he does love me, and jokes that we are essentially husbands because we do plan everything and share our lives and accomplishments with each other, I don’t know that he realizes just how strong my feelings actually are. As a result he will make light of them and I end up feeling hurt. I don’t know how to tell him how that makes me feel and I also feel like it is keeping me from seeking out someone that would actually be more reciprocal in their feelings because it is obvious to everyone else how much I actually do love him everyone except maybe him SO I get to be the one that he tells how much he wishes he could find someone to be in a relationship that understands what he wants from a relationship, which is everything I already give him minus the sex, and who will understand his need to be poly, again I end up being his boyfriend’s best friend and often they end up coming to me for relationship advice. which hurts like a son of a bitch let me tell you. He is a great roommate though and so I don’t want to move out to move on. I just want to figure out a way to reconcile the apparent fact that it will never be anything more than almost a relationship with the fact that I am tired of being alone.”

Your roommate is stupid, living under a rock, or he knows exactly how you feel. If I were a betting man, my money would be on the third option. What your roommate doesn’t know is how to tell you exactly how he feels without ruining the great friendship that you share. He wants you as a roommate, a confidant, and a best friend. He is not romantically or sexually interested in you as a life partner.

I am going to go out on a limb and guess that he doesn’t mean to hurt you by making light of your feelings for him, it’s his way of acknowledging those feelings, while trying to let you know that they are not reciprocated. In telling you what he’s looking for in a life partner he’s again trying to tell you that these are the things that he wants, but he wants them from someone else. There could be any number of reasons why he doesn’t see himself in a romantic or sexual relationship with you. I am not going to venture to guess what those reasons are, but I will say that there is one. If he was going to change his mind about you, he would have done it by now, and gone for it with you. Roommates have many opportunities to make what I call the “Oops – first move.” That is a first move made with no (or few) negative consequences. It happens when you’re drunk and you take a risk, or when the power’s out and you’re just “keeping each other warm” or something similar to that. If this hasn’t happened in five years, or if it did happen and the consequences were distinctly negative then it’s not going to happen.I also think that you are trying to protect yourself from fully committing to a relationship outside of the one with your roommate, thereby protecting yourself from this risk involved. You have put yourself in an imaginary primary relationship, leaving nothing for yourself but secondary relationships. In many poly people, secondary relationships are “safer” than primaries because of the “Primary First” rule. The conflict is occurring because reality is not matching your fantasy and your heart is having a hard time accepting that. It’s time to shift your mindset. Try to convince your heart that your roommate is a secondary, and you are on the market for a primary. It’s a scary thought, but put yourself out there. The universe has a funny way of responding.

August 2, 2013

“Me and my husband are in a open relationship going on 8 years now. We met a guy who introduced us to the world of BDSM. He wanted a Dom and I did have fun playing the part. But the problem is I keep wondering what it would be like to be a sub. I seem to always be the guy in control during sex or relationships but I have recently been fantasizing about being controlled by a strong man. Can you be a part of this community and flip flop like that?”

The term for people who play both sides of the Dom/sub fence is “switch.” A switch will have the skill and knowledge to be on either side in the scene. The side they choose usually depends on their partner at the time; other times they will seek out specific partners that will fulfill the side that they need to express at any give time.

Usually when you are in a long term relationship with someone who has an established role, you tend to engage most often in the complimentary role. However, there are always exceptions, some established submissives have been known to demonstrate their abilities as Dominants when they are introducing new submissives to the scene, or playing with a dedicated submissive. I have also noticed a phenomenon that I call “Situational Dominance” wherein a group of submissives form a pack, a group, or a club and in the absence of a dedicated Dominant or Top, they will take turns topping each other.

None of this should be confused with a Dominant who chooses to assume the bottom role in a scene to gain first-hand knowledge of the bottom’s perspective to become a better Top in that particular scene, or with a particular set of skills.

There are some traditionalists who believe that once established, a leather person’s role should not switch. While we have an obligation as members of the community to respect the people who say “My role is Dominant, and I don’t switch” or vice versa; we also have an obligation to recognize that the role “Switch” is a valid form of self expression.

July 31, 2013

“What’s your opinion on age differences … 33 and 19 …”

I see no reason why two or more consenting adults should not engage in a mutually satisfying sexual or romantic relationship. However, that relationship must be mutually satisfying.

With that said, in relationships where there is a significant age difference, I suggest that you follow Dan Savage’s campsite rule. That is: It is the older partner’s responsibility to leave the younger partner in better shape than they were found in. This means no new scars (emotional or physical) no new diseases, and no new children.

I also recall that in my 20’s I learned a lot that made me into the man I am in my 30’s. I can’t help but wonder if my growth as a human being, and as a gay man might have been stifled if I had stayed with the older partners that I had when I was in my late teens. I know that it’s because of them that I ended up where I am today, with the experiences I had, and for that I am grateful. But the older partner in this instance should be wary about attempting to solve the younger partner’s problems for them or stifling their growth as a human being. While it would be easy for the older partner to say “Let my experience guide you” and to protect the younger partner from the worst, remember that the younger partner is likely to have recently ended this type of relationship with their parents, and they will need to have shaping and growing experiences of their own.