Tag Archives: open relationships

Ferbrary 14, 2014

“Dear Daddy Kenneth, Can a switch or a man who does not accept the roll of Dominant collar someone who is and has accepted being submissive? If the submissive is the babygirl/boy of one man does the switch need permission from the Daddy to collar his lover? If the submissive is also protected and has a play partner, do the protector and play partner have a say in these goings on or is it between the lover and Daddy.”

Collars are symbols that are given meaning by the people who are using them, therefore it is up to the people who are using them to decide when and how to use them. There are some commonly accepted meanings when it comes to collaring, but I’ve seen kinky people turn those meanings on their heads, and utilize a meaning that was better suited to their own situation. So a Switch CAN collar a submissive if he wishes, and the submissive accepts the collar.

I am not sure why the submissive in question would be interested in accepting a collar from someone who was not dominant, but that is between the two of them. If they want to use a collar to symbolize a relationship between them, they should. He should be aware that perceptions from outsiders are going to place him in the role of dominant, and he will spend a great deal of time explaining why he has a collared submissive when he is not dominant.

In poly relationships, I am a big fan of keeping everyone in the loop, and respecting established boundaries. The submissive should ask the daddy what he thinks about the new development in the relationship, and how he thinks the switch should proceed. If the switch has a strong enough relationship with the daddy, the switch should talk to the daddy as well. If the switch is relatively unknown to the daddy, I would recommend that the switch let the submissive deal with the daddy.

As far as who has say in the relationship between the submissive and the switch, only the people in the relationship have say about what happens in the relationship. The play partner, protector, and daddy may all dictate how their relationships with the submissive go, but unless they are in relationships with each other that include the submissive as well (three ways or more ways relationships) they should stay out of the submissive’s other relationships, and focus on their own. They all have an obligation to respect each other and established boundaries, or get the fuck out, but no one should be dictating the the other relationships.

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December 11, 2013

“I’ve a question what is an open relationship. is that dating two guys at once?

“At 33 I have no idea of what the hell it’s.”

I define an open relationship as any relationship where complete monogamy is not expected, therefore dating multiple people at once would technically be considered an open relationship. That said, in my personal relationship ladder, dating someone is a relatively low rung, and comes before monogamy is even a factor. For me, dating is testing the waters to see if you even like someone and have similar interests, life goals, sexual compatibility, get along outside the bedroom, things like that. You could, in theory, be in this relationship stage with multiple people at the same time, and not be cheating on any of them.

Common language is a funny thing however, and some people use dating, boyfriends, boyfriend/girlfriend, girlfriends, partners, and seeing someone interchangeably. That’s why the “dating scene” has gotten so convoluted and confusing to a lot of people. many people do not know exactly where the boundaries are between one type of relationship and the other are, so these people don’t actually know what the exact rules of the relationship they are in are. That’s not even factoring in the people who jump from meeting someone to married without taking the time to climb the whole ladder. Everyone just assumes that they are on the same page with whomever they are in a relationship with, but you know what our dads say about assumptions, right? (If you’ve never received the assumption lecture from a family member, please message me privately and I’ll fill you in.)

Many people interpret “Open Relationship” to mean “allowed to fuck other people.” This is vastly oversimplified, and successful open relationships have rules and guidelines that are constantly negotiated, discussed, and revisited. Some open relationships don’t allow kissing. Some open relationships don’t allow sleepovers. Some open relationships don’t allow 1 on 1, and require that both parties in the relationship be present when an additional party is introduced. Open relationships can include every degree between allowing outside sexual relationships only, to allowing full fledged romantic, emotional and sexual relationships. The latter are usually referred to as polyamorous relationships. Although, just to add additional confusion, there are such things as closed polyamorous relationships. This is when a small group of people share love, sex, commitment and intimacy with everyone in the group, but only with those in the group.Open relationships operate on the theory that no one person can be everything to any other one person. In theory it’s okay for someone else to meet the needs of the person I am in a relationship with, when I am unable (or unwilling) to meet those needs. The way the theory works is that honesty and trust are placed above complete monogamy. It states that if you are honest about what your needs are and whether or not you can meet the needs of the person you’re in a relationship with, then you should both be free to get your needs met by people who are willing and able, as long as you are honest about who’s meeting your needs and when.

December 9, 2013

“I recently started dating someone. It’s my first open relationship and I’m still sort of learning the ropes. Other than ensuring clear communication continues between us, what is some other advice you can give to foster & maintain a healthy open relationship? I often look at your previous post about open relationships for inspiration and to boost my confidence as I navigate this uncharted territory.”

Check in with each other. This is part of the clear communication bit, but it deserves to be highlighted. Make sure that you are taking time every day to reinforce your relationship with each other, even if it’s only a few minutes. Be present with each other, create and maintain eye contact, and just be with each other.

Meet your partner’s needs. Don’t assume because your partner has other opportunities for sexual or emotional gratification that you are not required to meet your partner’s needs. You are supposed to be there for them, and vice versa. Otherwise you’re just fuck buddies. (Note: If it is impossible for you to meet a specific need, don’t try. Tell your partner that you are unable to provide for that specific need, and why, and then meet all their other needs.)

Just because you are allowed to sleep with other people, does not mean that you should sleep with every other person who shows an interest. You’re not single, you’re in a relationship, make sure you remember that, and put your partner high on your priority list.

Make rules, and follow the rules you make. Many people operate under the assumption that an open relationship has no rules, and that’s just not the case. I would argue that following the rules of your open relationship is more important to the relationship than following the rules of your closed relationship, but only slightly so. I think that it’s important to follow the rules of any relationship you’re in, but if it’s your only relationship, or your partner’s only relationship, there’s more incentive (albeit misguided) to stay with a person who’s a liar. It’s more work to start over than it is to forgive, or move past the transgression. In an open relationship, the partners see a world of possibilities and are constantly starting new relationships (be they sexual, romantic, emotional, mental, or a combination of all of the above) so there’s less pressure on any one to be the one, and liars and cheats are easier dismissed from the mix.

Treat all of your partners like they are unique and wonderful human beings. No person on this earth exists to be your dildo or your sperm receptacle. Even if that’s the role they play in your relationship; playing that role for you is a wonderful, unique gift that a human being has given you. Cherish that gift the way you expect your gifts to be cherished. I don’t care if he’s a trick you picked up at the bar, she’s a lady you met at the bus stop, or they’re a couple who has been good friends with your partner since college. All of us are human, and deserve to be treated with all the respect and love that comes with that title. If you wouldn’t want someone to treat your mom that way, don’t treat them that way.Have fun! I don’t care if you are in a monogamous relationship, or a boundary-free, free-love, fluid-bonded commune. If you are not having fun in your relationship, if the bad times outweigh the good, if you are unhappy more than you’re happy then you are doing yourself, you partner(s), your future partners, and your partner’s future partners all a disservice. Make the choice to be happy in your life, even if it means ending an unhappy relationship. Please note, I am not suggesting you bail at the first sign of trouble, I am merely saying that if your relationship is two months old and you’ve spent a month and a half fighting, perhaps this relationship is wrong for you. Move on and put everyone in the relationship out of their misery.