Tag Archives: Kink

February 21, 2014

“So I’m curious, I’m not sure I understand the whole ‘pup thing’ can you explain it to me?”

“One is interested in pup play, I have seen pups in action and I have a few pup friends. Is the role of a pup dom/sub or its handler/pup? I am interested in this, but feel awkward asking information as I don’t want to ask stupid questions or offend anyone. Is pup play a turn on to people? How does one go about more info? I know you are in A-PAH, but I know very little about this. Please help, and thank you for your time”

“As a new puppy, with an even newer handler, do you have any advise for me (the puppy) & him (the handler)? Our roles, expectations, communication, etc.?”

Presenting the first 3’fer Friday! To be honest, it’s likely to be the only 3’fer Friday, but why not. I had three very similar questions, so I am bundling them up and presenting them to you all at once!

The whole “pup thing” is similar to the whole “boy thing,” “slave thing,” or “little thing.” What I mean is that it’s a way to identify, and a way to define yourself and your role within a family, be it Kinky, Leather, Poly, or all of the above. Many people who are into pup play take on the roles and characteristics of puppies in real life. For example, when I’m at home, I can be minding my own business doing my thing, and suddenly my pup will want attention. He will whine, growl, bark, pull on my clothes, lay his head in my lap, etc. until I’m paying attention to him. Once he has my attention, he’ll demand love and affection for a few minutes, then run off and do something else. If we’re out somewhere, he’ll wander off to explore on his own, but will circle around to make sure I’m right where he left me. If I’m not, he’ll search until he finds me, and then wander off to explore again. If he does happen to be standing with me when I move, and his attention is not occupied by something else, he will follow me to wherever my new spot is. If I happen to pick something up that he wants, he’ll follow me around to make sure that I share my treat with him. If I try to lock him out of the room while enjoying my treat, he’ll whine and paw at the door until I let him in. And all of those things are things he does while in human head-space.

When he’s in pup-headspace it’s a completely different ballgame! He chews on toys, he moves around on four legs, he wrestles with other puppies, and he generally does all the things that pups do when they are playing with other pups. His role, when he’s in pup-headspace, is to be my puppy. To give me all the things that a bio-canine gives me. Love, affection, devotion, and playful pup energy. My role, when he’s in pup space is to give him protection, safety, food and water, things to do, and social interaction. For us, puppy play is not sexual, and it’s not inherently a Dom/sub relationship (except that I am expected to control him to a degree as his owner.)

For the person afraid of asking stupid questions, I have long held the belief that the only stupid question is the one that’s already been answered. If by all reasonably standards, you should know the answer and you ask the question anyway, it might be a stupid question. Most people will not be offended if you ask a question, or even if you ask for clarification because you didn’t understand what they meant when they answered. As the pup community grows and expands, there has been a lot of information put on the internet about what pup play is, and what pup play means to the people participating in it. Read some of that stuff, and then show up at your local pup event and get involved. Ask questions and make friends.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!

Ferbrary 14, 2014

“Dear Daddy Kenneth, Can a switch or a man who does not accept the roll of Dominant collar someone who is and has accepted being submissive? If the submissive is the babygirl/boy of one man does the switch need permission from the Daddy to collar his lover? If the submissive is also protected and has a play partner, do the protector and play partner have a say in these goings on or is it between the lover and Daddy.”

Collars are symbols that are given meaning by the people who are using them, therefore it is up to the people who are using them to decide when and how to use them. There are some commonly accepted meanings when it comes to collaring, but I’ve seen kinky people turn those meanings on their heads, and utilize a meaning that was better suited to their own situation. So a Switch CAN collar a submissive if he wishes, and the submissive accepts the collar.

I am not sure why the submissive in question would be interested in accepting a collar from someone who was not dominant, but that is between the two of them. If they want to use a collar to symbolize a relationship between them, they should. He should be aware that perceptions from outsiders are going to place him in the role of dominant, and he will spend a great deal of time explaining why he has a collared submissive when he is not dominant.

In poly relationships, I am a big fan of keeping everyone in the loop, and respecting established boundaries. The submissive should ask the daddy what he thinks about the new development in the relationship, and how he thinks the switch should proceed. If the switch has a strong enough relationship with the daddy, the switch should talk to the daddy as well. If the switch is relatively unknown to the daddy, I would recommend that the switch let the submissive deal with the daddy.

As far as who has say in the relationship between the submissive and the switch, only the people in the relationship have say about what happens in the relationship. The play partner, protector, and daddy may all dictate how their relationships with the submissive go, but unless they are in relationships with each other that include the submissive as well (three ways or more ways relationships) they should stay out of the submissive’s other relationships, and focus on their own. They all have an obligation to respect each other and established boundaries, or get the fuck out, but no one should be dictating the the other relationships.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!

February 12, 2014

“Dear Daddy,

“I am HIV negative, I always use condoms, I always ask my partners HIV status before playing and I never have any kind of sex with anyone whom I know to be positive. While I love exploring the kink community, it seems that many participants are HIV positive. As a result, I feel there is an expectation that you must be poz-friendly to play. I’m very open to playing and exploring, but all too-often i have to draw the line at sex and some have accused me of being poz-phobic. I want to find a place in the kink community, but I fear I’ll be shunned for ‘not playing well with others.’ “

Daddy Kenneth Every person has a right, and responsibility, to protect themselves from HIV using whatever means they are comfortable using. Sero-sorting (having sex with someone who’s HIV status matches your own) and condom use are two methods of protecting yourself from sero-conversion. Using both these methods in conjunction with each other makes sex safer for yourself. There is nothing inherently poz-phobic about protecting yourself. That said, there are poz-phobic ways of telling someone that you are not going to have sex with them because they are positive. Phrases like “I only have sex with guys who are clean” imply that positive people are dirty somehow. Telling others that someone is positive after they have been responsible people and disclosed to you is pretty rude as well. Equating HIV and STI’s with drug use by using phrases like “DDF” is another way to stigmatize positive people. So long as you are not doing those things, and are treating positive people as people first; I think you can safely say you are poz-friendly, without having sex with positive men.

All of that said, merely asking someone if they are negative does not guarantee that you’ll get an honest answer. A better question to ask a potential sex partner is “When was your last HIV test, and what was the result?” Every sexually active person should know the answer to this question, and you can gauge the potential risk to yourself based on their answer. It’s also easier to tell with this question if someone is lying because it asks them for specific information, not a multiple choice option.

There are also other things to consider when vetting potential sex partners. Having barrier-protected sex with a positive person who has a medication-controlled low or suppressed viral load is safer than having barrier-protected sex with a person who has recently converted and has a high viral load. Reacting poorly to an honest answer that is not the one you prefer means that person might reconsider being honest next time he’s asked that question. Talk about a vicious cycle, if negative guys treat positive guys like shit when they’re honest, they are not going to be honest, which is a pretty shitty thing for a positive person to do. Always remember that positive people are people first, and should be treated as such.

As for playing in the kink community; it does not necessarily mean penetrative sex. When negotiating with potential play partners, you can take penetrative sex off the table right away and then lay out the kinky stuff you’re into. Many people will be willing to play within your limits, and those that are not will let you know during negotiation. So long as you are respectful about your approach, you should be respected in return. You can get flogged, tied up, blindfolded, electrocuted, punched, spanked, and mummified without ever being penetrated. Some folks in the kink community specifically look kinky partners that they can play with without having penetrative sex, because they have a partner at home who’s not kinky; they may get their kink on with you, and get their sex on with him. Much of what we do can be done without breaking the skin or penetrating an orifice. Stay true to yourself, and expand your limits without crossing lines that make you uncomfortable, and you will soon be known as someone who plays well with others, but has reasonable limits.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!

December 16, 2013

“Dear Daddy, I consider myself a kinkster. I have fetishes, and I’ve recently begun exploring them in depth. What I am learning about myself, is that my scene identity and my sexual identity appear to be on polar opposite ends of the spectrum. What I mean is that I consider myself to be a submissive. I enjoy being bound, flogged, etc. but sexually I am a top. Is there a place for me in the kink community?”

Yes there is. Don’t let anyone tell you that a sexual top must be a kinky dominant or vice versa. I know plenty of dominants who love to get fucked. Some submissives will fuck their dominant just because he told them to, others will do it because they secretly (or not so secretly) enjoy it. Your kink is how you define it, and anyone who tells you that you’re doing it wrong is violating one of the foundations of our community, respect.

What you may find, however, is that you have to separate your kinky submissive side, from your sexual top side and won’t get to enjoy them together as often as you would like. What you might be surprised to learn, however, is that this is more common than you might think. I flog, tie up, and electrocute guys that I never get to fuck, and I fuck guys that I never get to tie up. I’m okay with this, because I get to fuck enough guys to keep me happy, and I get to tie up enough guys to keep me happy. As much as it would be easier if those guys were always the same guys, it’s also nice to have a variety in one’s life. So tell your vanilla (non-kinky) boyfriend that you’re going to go get tied up for a couple hours, but when you get home you’re going to be so horny that you’re going to fuck him for three hours straight and he won’t be able to sit down tomorrow. If he objects to that, find another boyfriend.

Do you have a question for “Ask Daddy?” Send me a message and I will give it a shot.

December 2, 2013

“Hey there Daddy Kenneth,

“Is it possible for someone with a casual interest in leather/kink to fill a title-holding role in the leather/kink community?

“[I recently attended a leather contest weekend] – it was an incredible event and I met quite a few very cool people. But I’m not a hard-core leather/kink person – I love it all, from bondage, water sports, fisting, fire play, flogging, CBT, etc. But I just don’t carry these fetishes around with me all the time – they’re a casual interest of mine that I pursue when I’m in the mood and with the right people.

“The majority of individuals I met at the competition seem to have deeply integrated their fetishes into their self-identification, and that’s something I’ve never done and don’t really see a need to do.

“However, I still enjoy being active and involved in these various leather and kink events, and I’d like to see them become more mainstream and accepted by the general population. I just feel like my casual approach to leather and kink in my personal life would be a deterrent from ever filing one of these highly visible roles.

“Or do most of these people feel the same way I do, but they just build a persona around a particular fetish for filling these roles in the community?”

I have seen newcomers to the BDSM Leather Scene win leather titles (because they studied hard, found the right contest mentor, and looked really good in the leather they recently purchased or borrowed for the contest) who went on to become integral to their local scene. I’ve seen title holders who were active before their contest disappear after their title year (or in some cases before the end of their title year.) Title holding is a test of your heart more than it is a test of your kinks, and unfortunately too many title holders are busy “preserving a public image,” fund raising or fulfilling their contact duties to actually participate in their favorite kinks or fetishes. It’s ironic and a tad sad that many title holders don’t get to do their favorite things while they are holding that title. So, in short, yes; yes it is possible for a new BDSM/Fetish/Leather person to hold a title, whether s/he is a weekend warrior, or a 24/7 community member.

The concept of “casual” vs “hardcore” leather people needs to stop. It is just another artificial divide that creates an “us vs them” mentality, and gives us an excuse to not reach out and talk to and mentor people. It’s a sign of laziness. Whatever it is that you do, whatever it is that you like, it is more “hardcore” than some people and less “hardcore” than others. Some folks who consider themselves “hardcore” won’t even consider a casual relationship with water sports, and even though all my formal leather is trimmed in yellow, I don’t piss on people when I’m at work. In fact, no matter how much it turns me on to piss on people, I rarely do it at all. I have to be at a dedicated water sports event usually, which I do once or twice a year at most (if I’m lucky.)

Whether or not you engage in your fetishes on a daily basis, a weekly basis, an annual basis, or only when Uranus is in retrograde, it is your fetish and you carry it around with you wherever you go. If being a leather person is in your heart and you believe in community, trust, honor, respect, family and support then you can be a part of this community. It really doesn’t matter what gear you have, or how big your toy collection is, or how often you engage in those fetish activities. I’ve seen a hot leather man in gym shorts and gym shoes pull off a hot impromptu leather scene with his partner’s bootlace and belt while the fully “dressed” guy with all the right gear and accessories stood helplessly by and didn’t know what the fuck to do.

The majority of people that you are going to meet at a competition are expressing a part of themselves that they only get a chance to express occasionally, so they tend to be “in the mood,” and surrounded by all the “right people.” To the person who is new to the scene, this creates a deceptive perception of how these people are in their day to day lives. I can go for weeks, sometimes even months without getting my rope out, and then suddenly one night I might tie up six different people. Is my interest in rope casual or hardcore? Sometimes our fetish-selves spill over into our mundane lives, for instance I wear my boots to – well almost everywhere.

If you chose to try to become a leather title holder, you will have to remember a few things: Title holder exist to support their community, not the other way around. Your community will expect you to become a visible advocate for them, that’s why they usually give you a patch to put on your vest, a medal to put around your neck, and/or a sash to wear. They want you to wear these things and represent the title they’ve given you, and answer questions. Get yourself a mentor, get yourself some gear, get yourself a platform and go have fun! Remember that competing and making friends is half the reason to do it, winning is just the other half.As for mainstream acceptance: I think this is one of the cases where tolerance is better because sometimes they don’t want us, and we don’t want them. It also makes it somewhat sexier to be part of something that is “dark” and “dirty.” It tickles me when people are afraid to go to the leather bar, because we’re all scary folks in leather. It preserves a part of the fantasy for me.

November 29, 2013

“What are some good resources for learning about different fetishes & kink? I’m looking to expand my understanding and try things out in a safe environment, but my searches for information tend to lead me to porn websites more than helpful resources.”

People are the best resource for learning about fetishes and kink. I would recommend finding out if you local community has a fetish education center, educational conferences, or public events. Start going to these places and learning what you want to know. Along the way, you may learn about things that you didn’t know you had interest in before, and you may become great at them. You may also learn that some things you did want to try were not your cup of tea.

If you’re at a conference, you won’t get the in depth kind of knowledge that you’re looking for, but you may get a chance to connect and network with people who know about your fetish or kink, and can show you one on one or in a group what to do when the time comes.

Internet searches are free, and relatively easy, and make “experts” out of people with no hands on experience. They are also unreliable, as you don’t know whether the person on the other end of the typing actually knows what they are talking about or not. (Yes, I realize the irony of using an internet based advice column to tell you that getting knowledge on the internet is unreliable, but I do the best I can.) This is why I don’t trust anyone on the internet unless they are willing to meet face to face before I play with them, or before I am comfortable with my boys playing with them.

All too often, the “Grand Master Constantines” out there have extensive online experience spinning their fantasies with words, and not actual whips. Their fantasies involve things that would and could seriously hurt or maim a person, and they don’t even know it, because they’ve never taken the time and energy, or spent the money to learn to do it properly. Early in my BDSM life, I searched for “real BDSM porn” and could not find anything that wasn’t over the time and unrealistic, or non-kinky people pretending to be kinky for money.

When I’ve learned, the people demonstrating, or teaching me may not have always been the hottest people in my book, they may not have always turned me on (I learned a lot in the straight world) but they always knew what they were doing, and were open and honest about what they did and didn’t know. It was reliable information followed by practical demonstrations. Afterward there were folks who were willing to talk to me about what I saw and how to make it work for me.

The reality is that most BDSM Practices cannot be learned from reading about them or watching a video that someone else prepared. You must have your own experience, and your own journey while learning about these things.

November 22, 2013

“Any advice for an attentive, almost aggressive, cock-sucker wanting to explore his submissive urges? Yeah, the sea is full of them, isn’t it?

“There has been experimentation had and introductory opportunities taken, yet not fully explored or developed. A belt was elementary. However, a sign of a hidden desire only touched upon once with a bullwhip. A flogger has been an object of affection not realized to date.

“Golden showers have and can be taken, yet a full stream, open mouth, has been difficult to follow thoroughly. Optionally, sensing a cock’s need for release and orally managing to coax smaller spurts or controlled flow offers the opportunity to service a worthy man further.

“Admittedly, I am not hardcore by any great means. I do draw my lines for some reason or another, either consciously or subconsciously. Though, at this point in my life, I don’t want to lose even the smallest of momentum by resigning myself to a self-imposed shyness, an endeavor to find/create trust or prudish outlooks of reserved/suppressed friends.

“Any advice, Daddy?”

Step 1) Get new friends. I am not saying that you need to ditch the prudish-reserved-suppressed friends; I am just saying that you need to expand your circle of friends, or create a new one. Friends that support and embrace your kinky nature and encourage you to explore that nature are crucial to your explorations. These new friends will help you explore, or point you in the direction of someone who will be able to help you explore yourself. If you know someone kinky in your area, hit them up directly for some resources of places you can go, and people you can meet who would be willing to help you out.

Step 2) Go out. Once you know where to go and who to talk to, actually do it. You may find yourself playing the wall flower at first, not really engaging in conversation with anyone yet, but your repeated presence will make you a recognized face. It will also allow you to recognize those who are actively engaged in the life you seek. The ones who are the most actively engaged, also tend to have the largest networks and should be able to point you out to the folks who share your fetishes and kinks.

Step 3) Reject the notion that one must be “hardcore” in order to explore their own fetishes. There are many different levels of BDSM and kink play, and many practitioners who are fluent in multiple levels. Simply tell the people you meet that you are new, and experimenting. The quality players will adjust their play to your level, while challenging you to move toward their level. Before you know it you’ll be doing a scene in public one day, and a new person will be watching. You’ll overhear them say, “I am interested in that, but I’m not that hardcore.”

Step 4) When you make connections with people that you want to play with, be honest about your experiences, and your intentions. If you intend to go further than you have before but want to go there slowly, let your partner know. If you intend to stay on the same level that you’re at, let them know that too. There is nothing more devastating to someone in the kink community than when we realize that we took someone too far too fast, and they leave the community broken and unwilling to try again. It harms our personal reputations, and our reputation as a community.

Nothing in this world is ever gained without first taking a risk, and putting yourself out there. The old adage is, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained,” and it’s true. If you are unwilling to meet your fantasies head on, and take the necessary steps to realize them; they will forever remain fantasies.

November 4, 2013

“Over the course of the past 20 years I have seen the Leather BDSM scene go from just that to a more relaxed, stand and model scene. Hearing leaders in the Leather community preach against what we once stood for, allowing a Leather bar to become a drag show on weekends, etc. How do we as a Leather Community get back to where we were.”

Is “Where we were” such a good place to go back to? Let’s look at a few examples of what I mean. Traditionally “Pretty boys” were not invited to the party. I happen to like attractive young men, and some of them are pretty damn kinky, but we’ll never find out because they are too “twinkish,” to “gymish,” have too much product in their hair, are too young to understand our traditions and codes, etc. Traditionally, women were not invited to the party. I happen to know a few kinky woman that can take a beating better than some men and I know, and dish out their own level of pain and fun. Traditionally, drag queens were not invited to the party. I happen to know some men who are very kinky and deeply imbedded in the Leather/BDSM scene, who happen to put on dresses and wigs to make money, or raise money for charity.

While I will agree that the people I am talking about above are the exception to the rule, we never know when the person I’m talking about will grow up to become the next Jeffrey Payne, the female equivalent of Guy Baldwin, or take of his wig and dress and morph into the next Chuck Renslow. By discouraging them now, we could be shooting ourselves in the foot in the future. Who is going to carry on our most sacred traditions if we don’t grab that hot stand and model boy in a poorly fitting harness, and a) teach him to wear it, and b) teach him what wearing it means to us. Of course, we encounter a few problems with this: Many times the “price of knowledge” is sex. The potential leather man says “I don’t want to sleep with you” and the current leather man hears “I don’t want your knowledge, I don’t care to learn it.” The problem with having a “Good Ol’ Boys Club” is that when all the old members die, their sacred traditions and knowledge die with them. The problem with “charging” admission and making potential new members pay with sex, is that they may reject us and our knowledge because they are not physically attracted to the teacher.

We were once an exclusive, dark and secret, underground, loosely organized (if at all) “community.” The problem is, the secret’s out. Documentaries have been filmed about us, tourism boards recognize some of our biggest events as major money makers in their cities, bdsm searches on google pull up hundreds of thousands of resources – everything from blogs of practitioners to critiques of “recent, popular novels.” The truth is, that pretty boy I mentioned earlier, he may grow up and become very skilled, very kinky, and one of the most sought after men in the scene. The question is, which community is he going to belong to? The one that charged admission, or yelled at him when his first attempt was not perfect? Or the one he created himself because he couldn’t find what he was looking for when he went to the leather bar the first time.

On another note, having been a Stand and Model person before: Sometimes it’s an invitation for you to start a conversation. People don’t always know who to approach, and what to say. You, the leather bar regular, know who’s new, so why not get him talking?As for the drag shows in our leather bars: It’s simple math. If Jessie Mya Jewels can bring in a crowd of 20 followers to watch her perform, and they have three drinks each, at $4.00 per drink (seems to be the Phoenix average, based on my own personal research) the bar brings in $240 for allowing Jessie to be there. If Kenneth Anthony brings in four friends and they have two drinks each, then the bar brings in $32 for catering to Kenneth. Who should the bar cater to? Kenneth may be a leather man in a leather bar, but is he supporting the bar in the same way he expects the bar to support him? Food for thought.