Tag Archives: HIV

February 12, 2014

“Dear Daddy,

“I am HIV negative, I always use condoms, I always ask my partners HIV status before playing and I never have any kind of sex with anyone whom I know to be positive. While I love exploring the kink community, it seems that many participants are HIV positive. As a result, I feel there is an expectation that you must be poz-friendly to play. I’m very open to playing and exploring, but all too-often i have to draw the line at sex and some have accused me of being poz-phobic. I want to find a place in the kink community, but I fear I’ll be shunned for ‘not playing well with others.’ “

Daddy Kenneth Every person has a right, and responsibility, to protect themselves from HIV using whatever means they are comfortable using. Sero-sorting (having sex with someone who’s HIV status matches your own) and condom use are two methods of protecting yourself from sero-conversion. Using both these methods in conjunction with each other makes sex safer for yourself. There is nothing inherently poz-phobic about protecting yourself. That said, there are poz-phobic ways of telling someone that you are not going to have sex with them because they are positive. Phrases like “I only have sex with guys who are clean” imply that positive people are dirty somehow. Telling others that someone is positive after they have been responsible people and disclosed to you is pretty rude as well. Equating HIV and STI’s with drug use by using phrases like “DDF” is another way to stigmatize positive people. So long as you are not doing those things, and are treating positive people as people first; I think you can safely say you are poz-friendly, without having sex with positive men.

All of that said, merely asking someone if they are negative does not guarantee that you’ll get an honest answer. A better question to ask a potential sex partner is “When was your last HIV test, and what was the result?” Every sexually active person should know the answer to this question, and you can gauge the potential risk to yourself based on their answer. It’s also easier to tell with this question if someone is lying because it asks them for specific information, not a multiple choice option.

There are also other things to consider when vetting potential sex partners. Having barrier-protected sex with a positive person who has a medication-controlled low or suppressed viral load is safer than having barrier-protected sex with a person who has recently converted and has a high viral load. Reacting poorly to an honest answer that is not the one you prefer means that person might reconsider being honest next time he’s asked that question. Talk about a vicious cycle, if negative guys treat positive guys like shit when they’re honest, they are not going to be honest, which is a pretty shitty thing for a positive person to do. Always remember that positive people are people first, and should be treated as such.

As for playing in the kink community; it does not necessarily mean penetrative sex. When negotiating with potential play partners, you can take penetrative sex off the table right away and then lay out the kinky stuff you’re into. Many people will be willing to play within your limits, and those that are not will let you know during negotiation. So long as you are respectful about your approach, you should be respected in return. You can get flogged, tied up, blindfolded, electrocuted, punched, spanked, and mummified without ever being penetrated. Some folks in the kink community specifically look kinky partners that they can play with without having penetrative sex, because they have a partner at home who’s not kinky; they may get their kink on with you, and get their sex on with him. Much of what we do can be done without breaking the skin or penetrating an orifice. Stay true to yourself, and expand your limits without crossing lines that make you uncomfortable, and you will soon be known as someone who plays well with others, but has reasonable limits.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!

September 9, 2013

“Dear Daddy Kenneth, I’m afraid while I was living in Tucson I was donating plasma not for the money but the knowledge that I was helping others out in life so much of my identity in life has been being the shoulder to cry on and the helping hand but back in April I got a call from CSL Plasma that I was HIV positive. I went to a HIV center in Tucson to get tested again and that came back negative I believe I don’t have HIV but since April I have lost me I’m afraid to help others out I’m afraid I will screw up I want to know if you can give me some advice to help me find me again that sweet guy who wasn’t afraid to help.”

Donating Plasma is only one way to help those in your community who are in need. Most communities have programs where you can help feed the homeless, mentor youth, visit elderly shut-ins, or provide clothing and school supplies for those in need. If your identity is based on your ability to help others, diversify your charitable portfolio. Sitting in a chair with a needle in your arm for 30 minutes every 3-4 weeks, and getting paid for it, is not the only thing that you have to give to your community. Many of the options I listed above don’t involve exposing others to potentially deadly blood-born pathogens.

Those in charge of the nations blood supply are hyper aware of contaminants in that blood supply, so if their preliminary tests suggest that there is a dangerous contaminant, they probably investigated fully and retested the sample to make sure that their initial findings were accurate, before they called you. After all, they paid you for a product, and you already cashed the check. They are not going to throw out that product, unless they are absolutely certain that the product is not good. Conversely, the tests used by the HIV clinics are limited. This is why a clinic will tell you to come back and get tested again after three or six months if you believe you might have been exposed to HIV. The initial test may register a negative result, but that does not mean that you are in fact, HIV-negative.

If you would like to assist others in life, look into volunteer options. Talk to your local drag queens and ask if they need assistance with their next benefit. You could sell raffle tickets, or jello shots. Talk with your local HIV Clinic and find out if they need someone to assist with on-site testing when they go out into the community. Speak with your local pride board to find out if there are any volunteer options that you can pursue. Speak to your local food bank and determine if you can assist there. Join a Big Brothers/Big Sisters organization and spend time with a young person who needs adult guidance. Your life of service is not over simply because you cannot donate plasma anymore.As for your HIV Status, I advise you to go back and get tested again. As it’s been 5 months since your last test, you should get pretty accurate results from that time period. Of course those results won’t be accurate if you’ve engaged in any high risk behaviors since your last test, but at least you’ll know if the CSL Plasma result was accurate. I always advise negative people to do what they can to stay that way, that means knowing your status, knowing your partner’s status, and knowing what options and tools in the fight against the spread of HIV work for you and your partner. The simplest and easiest method for most people is a condom, used properly, every time you have sex.