Tag Archives: Dating

February 26, 2014

“Dear Daddy Kenneth, while I feel that I made the right decision to walk away from a bad relationship for the past year, I feel lost and keep wondering what is wrong with me that I didn’t deserve love and respect. I gave it my all including financial and emotional support. I was never enough. He has jumped right into another relationship and I’m still angry at what he has done to me. I feel like I can’t move on. We don’t speak period so the questions will never be answered. How do I let this go? Sincerely, a hurt soul”

It is very hard to let something go when you’ve held on for a long time. If you thought that you were losing it, and held tighter at the end then letting go is even more difficult. What you have to remember is that even though you walked away rather than sink any more emotional and financial resources into this relationship, you already contributed those resources and you’re going to feel their loss. That’s not even to mention the fact that you are going to feel the loss of the stability you thought you had with this person. Allow yourself to feel, and mourn, that loss. I have a theory that a person is in mourning for their past relationship for half as long as the relationship lasted. This means that your ex-boyfriend is rebounding with his new beau, or he emotionally ended the relationship with you much sooner than you did, and has already mourned its loss.

I find that when relationships end, it’s usually because the people in the relationships want different things out of them. When relationships end badly, it’s because the people in them did not know how to communicate properly about those differences, or they didn’t even try. Most of the time, people assume that their partner knows what they want, and their partner wants the same thing. This is not always the case. Not wanting the same things does not mean that you are not deserving of love and respect, it just means that you partner may not know how to give you love and respect in a way that you can appreciate it. A failure to communicate can leave both partners feeling like they “gave it their all” and just “weren’t good enough.”

The question of what you did wrong, from his point of view, will never be answered completely. What you did was fail to give him what he needed, and fail to tell him what you needed. What he did was fail to give you what you needed, and fail to tell you what he needed. Beyond that, the specifics of his needs and your needs cannot be articulated unless you both drastically change your method of communication with each other. The chances of that happening at this point are negligible.

How do you get over it, and move on? You have to grieve. It sounds to me like you’re already in Anger, which is the second stage of grief, and next you’ll move into Bargaining, followed by Depression and Acceptance. You won’t be able force these, you won’t be able fake any of them; all you can do is let yourself experience them as they come. I recommend that you stay in acceptance as long as you can before you try moving into another relationship yourself. There’s no need to compete with your ex to show who is doing better post-breakup. Surround yourself with friends who love and support you, and work on letting go, one step at a time. You may also want to use your anger to motivate you to block your ex on social media, and remove him from your phone.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

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February 17, 2014

“So I have a question: if you love someone, have been through hell, and tried to work on trust, how then can you ignore that his reputation both in the relationship and outside are always on your mind? I have a guy that refuses to take responsibility for his side dealings, and while the evidence is clear we are lost in translation. I’ve dated escorts, dealers and even bankers, but never loved like I do now but the trust and honesty are gone. How do you get it back when they think the truth will hurt you more than the lies?”

Trust takes years to build and seconds to break. Once broken it is very rare that it can ever be fully repaired, and repairing it takes monumental effort on the part of the person doing the trusting. What kinds of efforts can you make? A friend of mine once told me that they found inner peace with their trust issues by trusting everyone to be themselves, nothing more, nothing less. If you can do that with your partner, you can start to build trust again. Instead of fighting his reputation, try embracing it. Don’t force him to pretend to be something he’s not in order to please you, but allow him to be himself and love him for all of that self.

Show him that the truth doesn’t hurt you, because you love him. Don’t pull “ah ha, gotcha” moments on him, when you have all the evidence, just let him know gently and non-judgmentally that you know what’s going on. If his “other man” was at your house and left his undies, wash them, fold them, and tell your boyfriend where they are and mention that he should make sure the other man gets them back. If they leave a used condom in the bathroom trash can, ask him nicely to take it out.

The more he knows you know, and the more he sees you can handle it without confrontation, the more likely he is to tell you things, and trust you not to freak out. You will be opening the door for communication without trying to force him through it. It’s one thing to tell your partner that he doesn’t have to sneak around, it’s another thing to show him you mean it.

Your boyfriend will continue to exhibit the same patterns of behavior that have “worked” for him in the past, and will fall into the same lies and deflections he’s used before. Don’t rise to his bait, and don’t call out his lies. Just let him have his way, and drop the subject. The more you accept him the way he is, the more he’ll accept that he can be himself around you. Eventually the lies will become unnecessary and stop; you’ll get to the point where you can tell your boyfriend that you’re out of milk and he should ask his fuck bud to pick some up on the way over.

As for the “reputation” outside the relationship, ignore it. If someone tries to hurt you with it, don’t be hurt by it. Say, “I know all about it, why are you gossiping about my boyfriend?”

I am not saying you need to be a pushover or a doormat; by all means, get what you need out of the relationship or get out. At the same time, accept that he’s getting his needs met too, and if you love him, you should be happy that he is. If he’s 15 minutes late for dinner, eat without him and serve him up some cold leftovers, and let him know you missed him at dinner and wished he was there. If he isn’t there to watch your tv show together, watch it without him; tell him you did, and he needs to catch up on his own. You know by now when his excuses are legitimate and when they’re bullshit. Reward the legitimate excuses by waiting longer, and ignore the bullshit ones. He’ll figure out the pattern quickly enough: “tell the truth, I wait; lie to me and eat alone.”

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!

Ferbrary 14, 2014

“Dear Daddy Kenneth, Can a switch or a man who does not accept the roll of Dominant collar someone who is and has accepted being submissive? If the submissive is the babygirl/boy of one man does the switch need permission from the Daddy to collar his lover? If the submissive is also protected and has a play partner, do the protector and play partner have a say in these goings on or is it between the lover and Daddy.”

Collars are symbols that are given meaning by the people who are using them, therefore it is up to the people who are using them to decide when and how to use them. There are some commonly accepted meanings when it comes to collaring, but I’ve seen kinky people turn those meanings on their heads, and utilize a meaning that was better suited to their own situation. So a Switch CAN collar a submissive if he wishes, and the submissive accepts the collar.

I am not sure why the submissive in question would be interested in accepting a collar from someone who was not dominant, but that is between the two of them. If they want to use a collar to symbolize a relationship between them, they should. He should be aware that perceptions from outsiders are going to place him in the role of dominant, and he will spend a great deal of time explaining why he has a collared submissive when he is not dominant.

In poly relationships, I am a big fan of keeping everyone in the loop, and respecting established boundaries. The submissive should ask the daddy what he thinks about the new development in the relationship, and how he thinks the switch should proceed. If the switch has a strong enough relationship with the daddy, the switch should talk to the daddy as well. If the switch is relatively unknown to the daddy, I would recommend that the switch let the submissive deal with the daddy.

As far as who has say in the relationship between the submissive and the switch, only the people in the relationship have say about what happens in the relationship. The play partner, protector, and daddy may all dictate how their relationships with the submissive go, but unless they are in relationships with each other that include the submissive as well (three ways or more ways relationships) they should stay out of the submissive’s other relationships, and focus on their own. They all have an obligation to respect each other and established boundaries, or get the fuck out, but no one should be dictating the the other relationships.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!

February 10, 2014

“Hey there. I’m 47, in great shape by going to the gym and playing hockey. My health is excellent (I’m HIV negative). I’ve got a tenured job and I’m financially miles ahead of people my age. I’ve been told countless times that I’m a great looking guy, well-read and educated and such.”

“The big problem is that I don’t seem to be able to attract another guy for anything meaningful or long lasting. I’ve had my share of one night stands but that is getting pretty stale with me.”

“Why can’t I get a man for me?”

I have found that sometimes people want boyfriends, but they are not willing to be a boyfriend. Networking consultants will tell you that the most interesting people you will meet at a networking event are those people who ask you about yourself, and forget to tell you about themselves unless asked. If you start off every date by telling your date about yourself the way you told me about yourself, you may be inadvertently turning a potential suitor off. He may see you as selfish, conceited and uninteresting. Make sure that you are asking him about his life, his interests, and his goals.

While you are out dating, don’t discount the people whose health may be outside your definition of “excellent.” There are very wonderful men in the world who happen to be HIV-positive who are very dateable. Research shows that a person living with HIV today, and taking care of his health, has an average life expectancy which matches a person living without HIV. Advances in treatments and prevention can be utilized to keep your health “excellent” even while engaging in barrier-protected sex with your sero-discordant mate. Furthermore, don’t rule out your one night stands as undateable. Just because someone is willing to go home with you and sleep with you the day he met you, does not mean that there is something wrong with, or undesirable about, him as a person.

Be willing to date. Many people have a list of qualifications they expect their mates to meet. Make sure that your standards are not impossibly high, then narrow down your choices in the dating process. Many people believe that you should only go on a first date with the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, and conversely, you should be willing to spend the rest of your life with someone you go on one date with. I disagree. I think you should go on many first dates; as many as you can reasonably go on. If you like a guy, go on a second date, and a third or fourth. Make sure you tell him (on the second or third date) that you are dating other people too. This way when the two of you are ready to “get serious” he can take the other people that you are dating into consideration. At the same time, refrain from comparing the people you are dating, at least out loud. This includes gossip with your friends, trust me, they will be making their own judgements; and anything you say out loud is something the universe can smack you upside the head with later.

Look for dateable men where you are. When I was a stripper, it was not uncommon for a man to ask me how he could see me outside of work. My common response was, “be where I am.” I was not telling guys to stalk me; I was merely saying that if we had common interests, we would run into each other in our day-to-day lives. If there are no dateable men when you are, go somewhere else. But make sure that you’re not going somewhere that you are uncomfortable, just to find a mate, because chances are if he met you there, he’ll want to go back there with you at some point in time.

Above all else, getting a man for yourself involves being a man for someone else. Find out what that means to him, and whether you are willing to do it.

Send me your questions for “Ask Daddy” and I’ll give my best answer in a future column.

December 11, 2013

“I’ve a question what is an open relationship. is that dating two guys at once?

“At 33 I have no idea of what the hell it’s.”

I define an open relationship as any relationship where complete monogamy is not expected, therefore dating multiple people at once would technically be considered an open relationship. That said, in my personal relationship ladder, dating someone is a relatively low rung, and comes before monogamy is even a factor. For me, dating is testing the waters to see if you even like someone and have similar interests, life goals, sexual compatibility, get along outside the bedroom, things like that. You could, in theory, be in this relationship stage with multiple people at the same time, and not be cheating on any of them.

Common language is a funny thing however, and some people use dating, boyfriends, boyfriend/girlfriend, girlfriends, partners, and seeing someone interchangeably. That’s why the “dating scene” has gotten so convoluted and confusing to a lot of people. many people do not know exactly where the boundaries are between one type of relationship and the other are, so these people don’t actually know what the exact rules of the relationship they are in are. That’s not even factoring in the people who jump from meeting someone to married without taking the time to climb the whole ladder. Everyone just assumes that they are on the same page with whomever they are in a relationship with, but you know what our dads say about assumptions, right? (If you’ve never received the assumption lecture from a family member, please message me privately and I’ll fill you in.)

Many people interpret “Open Relationship” to mean “allowed to fuck other people.” This is vastly oversimplified, and successful open relationships have rules and guidelines that are constantly negotiated, discussed, and revisited. Some open relationships don’t allow kissing. Some open relationships don’t allow sleepovers. Some open relationships don’t allow 1 on 1, and require that both parties in the relationship be present when an additional party is introduced. Open relationships can include every degree between allowing outside sexual relationships only, to allowing full fledged romantic, emotional and sexual relationships. The latter are usually referred to as polyamorous relationships. Although, just to add additional confusion, there are such things as closed polyamorous relationships. This is when a small group of people share love, sex, commitment and intimacy with everyone in the group, but only with those in the group.Open relationships operate on the theory that no one person can be everything to any other one person. In theory it’s okay for someone else to meet the needs of the person I am in a relationship with, when I am unable (or unwilling) to meet those needs. The way the theory works is that honesty and trust are placed above complete monogamy. It states that if you are honest about what your needs are and whether or not you can meet the needs of the person you’re in a relationship with, then you should both be free to get your needs met by people who are willing and able, as long as you are honest about who’s meeting your needs and when.

December 6, 2013

“When vetting a potential new partner… How far is to far I.e. Facebook stalking, asking friends, getting friends approval, to extremes like back ground checks?”

I have a series of steps used to describe the relationship status between me and another person, and because “partner” is only a couple steps below “husband” by the time a person is a “potential new partner” they are well and truly vetted! Most of the things you listed are things that happen organically, in the process of someone moving from stranger to partner.

My ladder of relationships goes like this: Knowing someone, seeing someone, dating someone, boyfriends with someone, partners with someone, engaged to someone and then married to someone. Usually in the “knowing” phase, we become connected on social media (e.g. Facebook) and so the so-called “Facebook stalking” starts. One day I might scroll through their pictures, another time I might get invited to an event they are going to, and I’ll probably be seeing their posts as we proceed to get to know each other. This will give me a clue as to what their interests are, and how closely they align with mine.

As we move into seeing each other, we start going places together and having conversations with each other. This gives me a clearer understanding of who they are and what we have in common, and in the dating phase we are (or should be) meeting each other’s friends. I don’t know about you, but my friends are my friends for a reason. They are a lot like me, and so are pretty honest with me when it comes to their thoughts and feelings, and they’ll let me know right away if they approve or disapprove of someone I’m dating. They’ll also let me know if their approval has changed to disapproval as things progress.

Also, I have friends and acquaintances who are, well, busybodies. They will be more than happy to talk to someone I’m dating and tell them about me. My friends will say things that are true, even if they exaggerate a tad or embellish the details a smudge. I certainly don’t sleep with a new guy every day, or even every week. Once a month might not be as far off, and is certainly more than most people, so when my friends say I’m very prolific in my conquests, they wouldn’t be lying. In my experience dating, the same has been true for the friends of the people I’m dating. For some reason our friends like to talk to our romantic interests about us.

This person isn’t even my boyfriend yet, and already I’ve Facebook stalked, asked his friends, and gotten my friend’s approval. Background checks aren’t simple or cheap for the average person to perform on a sporadic basis. The only time (I know of) that I have been subject to one was when a boyfriend’s family member worked for a business that routinely used background checks in the course of their business, and somehow my name got added to the list of people they were running that day. I daresay that is not common for most people.

The larger issue implied by your question is what I can “Cinderella Syndrome.” Disney has taught us that love at first sight exists, and that there is a person we are destined to spend the rest of our lives with, and that we will live happily ever after with that person once we meet them. Because of this delusion, we assess every person we meet who makes our heart beat faster as a “potential new partner” rather than getting to know them to see if we are mentally compatible, and dating them to see if we are romantically compatible, and being boyfriends/girlfriends with them to see if we are sexually compatible. We mistake mutual attraction for complete compatibility and want to skip all the necessary steps to verify it. Because of this we end up in relationships where our ideologies, sexual appetites, romantic connections, etc. are different between the partners. We stay in these relationships because we believe that we are supposed to fix the things that are broken rather than ending the relationship and trying again. Breaking up with someone is considered a failure, and so we avoid it.

This is, obviously, not the best way to conduct our romantic lives, but the staggering divorce rate, and number of breakups posted on Facebook tell me that this is what is happening. My last relationship ended because we wanted different things out of a relationship. That’s not a line, that’s really what happened. My husband and I can’t blame him for what he wanted, and he shouldn’t blame us for wanting what we wanted. All three of us tried to make it work as long as we could, and when we realized that it was never going to work, we broke up.

I think more people should take relationships slower, and go through all the steps. They should stop going through the steps when the relationship stops working, and not blame themselves or the other person/people in the relationship. If more people did this, then the relationships that lasted would be more stable, and the relationships that didn’t last would leave fewer scars on the people in them. It would also cut the divorce rate in half, at least. So go, get to know lot of people and if you think you’re compatible with them, date some of them, and if you think that works, get a boyfriend or girlfriend (or two, or three if that’s your fancy.) If it doesn’t work, give yourself permission to stop trying.

To make a long story short, there is no such thing as too much vetting for a potential new partner. However, there is also no reason for all that vetting to take place overnight.

November 11, 2013

“I was asked to be in a poly relationship. What’s the good and bad about it?”

You did not define the type of poly relationship you were asked to be in, so it’s hard to tell if I am answering the question you’re asking, but I will try my best.

Assuming that your partner is engaging in poly behavior and you are not (i.e. they are dating more than one person and you are only dating them) the benefits include: knowing that you are wanted as a partner and not merely filling some void that another person needs filled by having a significant other. You also know that every time they come to spend time with you is time they want to spend with you, not time that they feel they are required to spend with you. You know that if they are being open and honest with you about their existing partners and relationships, and open and honest about you with their existing partners, that they will likely be open and honest if they ever meet someone new that they are interested in. Poly people are less likely to cheat, because there is less need for cheating. That’s not to say they are immune to cheating, but it is less likely.

The drawbacks include: sharing. We have been conditioned to believe that one person should be the end-all-be-all of our romantic worlds, so we look for partners that fulfill that role. Initially people who are new to poly relationships struggle to break away from this way of thinking. However, if you are in a poly relationship, there will be times when your partner is unavailable to you because they are with a different partner. This creates tension, jealousy and hurt feelings. You need to be able to constructively communicate those feelings to your partner so that the two of you can work through those feelings. Do not expect your partner to change their behavior due to your feelings, because they won’t. However, your partner’s awareness of your feelings, and your ability to work through them (with or without your partner’s help) will strengthen your relationship.

If you feel that your relationship with your partner is not fulfilling because of their other relationship(s) I recommend you take a piece of paper and divide it into two columns. In column A write down everything you WANT out of a relationship. In column B write down everything you are GETTING out of this relationship. Look at the things in column A that are missing from column B and decide if those are “deal breakers”. If they are, end the relationship. If they are not, accept that you may never get them, and enjoy your relationship. (This works for monogamous relationships as well.)

If you have been asked to join an established couple in a relationship, the good is that you get two partners for the price of one. What you need to know, is that you are joining an ESTABLISHED relationship. They have ways of doing things and dealing with things that come up in their relationship. If their relationship is stable, the ways they deal with things that come up must work for them. Many times you will find yourself adjusting to them, rather than them adjusting to you. You may feel like you are losing yourself in the relationship. Communication is key at this point, and listening to them. Remember that in two person relationships the individuals involved tend to morph into a single unit. In a triad the same thing happens, everyone comes together to form a cohesive whole. Learn about the adjustments they are making to be in a relationship with you, and do not discount their adjustments as trivial. Sometimes this couple may need a “time out” from the new relationship to reconnect as a couple. This happens, just like you may need to spend one on one time with one or the other of the partners to reconnect with them. As your relationship grows with each of the partners and with them as couple, their established relationship strength will seep into their relationship with you, until there is no difference in any of the relationships.

Learn what they want out of a relationship with you, and make sure you express what you want out of a relationship with them, then make sure they are giving you what you want, and you are giving them what they want. You must communicate your wants, needs, and desires constructively in order to maintain the relationships. Remember: In a triad relationship, there are four relationships happening simultaneously, and you are actively involved in three of them. Those relationships are: The whole group, the established couple, you and one partner, you and the other partner. All four of these relationships need to be strong, or the entire relationship is going to fall apart. Remember, that in the beginning, you are the weakest link in this relationship, so make sure you are doing your part to keep all four of the relationships strong.