Tag Archives: Daddy

Ferbrary 14, 2014

“Dear Daddy Kenneth, Can a switch or a man who does not accept the roll of Dominant collar someone who is and has accepted being submissive? If the submissive is the babygirl/boy of one man does the switch need permission from the Daddy to collar his lover? If the submissive is also protected and has a play partner, do the protector and play partner have a say in these goings on or is it between the lover and Daddy.”

Collars are symbols that are given meaning by the people who are using them, therefore it is up to the people who are using them to decide when and how to use them. There are some commonly accepted meanings when it comes to collaring, but I’ve seen kinky people turn those meanings on their heads, and utilize a meaning that was better suited to their own situation. So a Switch CAN collar a submissive if he wishes, and the submissive accepts the collar.

I am not sure why the submissive in question would be interested in accepting a collar from someone who was not dominant, but that is between the two of them. If they want to use a collar to symbolize a relationship between them, they should. He should be aware that perceptions from outsiders are going to place him in the role of dominant, and he will spend a great deal of time explaining why he has a collared submissive when he is not dominant.

In poly relationships, I am a big fan of keeping everyone in the loop, and respecting established boundaries. The submissive should ask the daddy what he thinks about the new development in the relationship, and how he thinks the switch should proceed. If the switch has a strong enough relationship with the daddy, the switch should talk to the daddy as well. If the switch is relatively unknown to the daddy, I would recommend that the switch let the submissive deal with the daddy.

As far as who has say in the relationship between the submissive and the switch, only the people in the relationship have say about what happens in the relationship. The play partner, protector, and daddy may all dictate how their relationships with the submissive go, but unless they are in relationships with each other that include the submissive as well (three ways or more ways relationships) they should stay out of the submissive’s other relationships, and focus on their own. They all have an obligation to respect each other and established boundaries, or get the fuck out, but no one should be dictating the the other relationships.

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November 20, 2013

“Is it ‘UN-sub like’ or ‘UN-boy like’ to be very exacting or assertive in what you want?”

Yes and no. It is useful for a boy or submissive to know exactly what it is that they like, and exactly what it is that they don’t like. It’s also useful to know to what degree they like, or do not like that thing. Often times in new relationships, a sir/daddy/dominate type will try to understand what makes their new boy, or potential new boy, tick. It’s hard to punish a boy by shaving their head if the boy gets off on having their head shaved. Likewise if they enjoy being in Daddy’s company, time “off leash” and away from Daddy isn’t a suitable reward for good behavior. There are some things that are hard limits for boys, and if they experience those things they may decide to leave and never come back (or worse, badmouth Daddy to all their boy friends, and leave Daddy with no one to play with.) Being exact about what you like and what you don’t, and sharing that information with your dominant is a good way to get what you want.

Assertiveness on the other hand, can be problematic. Sir/daddy/dominate types like to be in control in their relationships. That is why they are s/d/d types and not boys or submissives. If they wanted to be told what to do, when to do it, or how to do it, they would be the ones wearing the collars, not the ones holding the leashes. Asserting your rights as a human being is one thing, but asserting yourself sexually or in your BDSM play may be a turn off to your dominant. Remember that while you have the right to emotional, physical, and mental safety in your BDSM relationships, your dominant is much more than the person who wields the whip for your pleasure. Often they have kinks and fetishes of their own. They likely entered into this relationship in order to get those wants and needs filled, not to spend the entire relationship fulfilling your wants and needs.

If you find yourself in a dominant submissive relationship and you are asking yourself, how do I get my wants met, without inconveniencing myself to make sure my partner’s needs are met; chances are you are attempting to take the dominant role in the relationship, regardless of which side of the whip you want to be on. I might add, you are also doing so in a very selfish way. No BDSM relationship should be, in my opinion, one sided. There is give and take, which is why we call it “power exchange”.

My recommendation to any submissive or boy out there who is in a D/s relationship is to ask yourself daily, perhaps as part of your evening devotion, meditation, reflection, or final thoughts before sleep, “What did I do to serve my dominant today, and did I do it in the spirit of service?” When you have an answer daily, without thinking too hard about it, you’ll know that you are being truly “sub-like” or truly “boy-like.” The way your dominant partner says “Thank you” my be pleasant and surprising to you, and may be everything you wanted and needed in that moment. If you are not currently in a D/s relationship, but would like to be, ask yourself each night, “What did I do today to serve my future dominant?”

PS: Service can be the little things you do that you think might go by unnoticed, like not giving your daddy too many dinner choices when he’s had a long day, or listening to his decision when he makes a choice, even if it seems like he just arbitrarily picked the second thing you said. If he gets to relax and enjoy a stress free dinner after a long day, he may be refreshed for some hot play after dinner, or he may just want to relax on the couch with a movie and a boy in his arms. Either way, you win, right?

PPS: An unowned boy or submissive always, always-always-always-always, has the right to say no! Regardless of who is asking, and how they are asking you to do something. If your potential dominant is not willing to listen to your “No” when you’re chatting over text or at the bar, you can bet your ass that he won’t listen when you’re tied up and helpless, and you may loose a lot more than you’re willing to bet when he does. Always! I can’t say it enough. He may be the greatest, most respected, most powerful daddy in the world with the most boys following him everywhere. The greatest gift you can give yourself, and your future dominant is to say “No” to him.

August 1, 2013

“Do we have to call you ‘Daddy Kenneth’? Because if so, it might distract from the issue at hand. Some might think it’s a turn on.”

Typically when someone in the BDSM/Leather Scene introduces themselves with a moniker, they are giving you information: this is my “role” in this community, this is what I prefer to be called, and this is how people know me. That information is valuable if, for instance, you need to get hold of someone later. Asking around for “Daddy John” can be more effective than asking for “John Smith” especially if the community has started to use these monikers to distinguish between people who have the same or similar names. In a new community you might meet Master Bob, boy robert, and slave rob on the same night. Saying you want to do a scene with Robert might get you in trouble if you aren’t more specific about who you are referring to.

I have had many people in the community balk at my moniker when they first meet me. I don’t “look like a Daddy” or they “cannot call someone so much younger than [them] ‘Daddy’.” Believe it or not, I am okay with that, as long as they are respectful about it. I’ve had people say, “I’m not really comfortable calling you ‘Daddy’, is there something else I can call you?” To which I reply, “Kenneth is fine.” On the other hand, if you’re rude about it: “I’m not going to call you ‘Daddy’ you’re a ‘boy’ to me.” I am not going to be nice, or respectful back to you. Also, you can expect that kind of disrespect to get around to others in the community, as many of us talk to each other.

I will not deny that there is disrespect on the other side of the moniker, when people say things like: “You WILL call me ‘Grand Master Constantine, Rank 3’!” These people are being disrespectful as well. If they are unwilling to give you an option that doesn’t make you uncomfortable they are saying that they don’t care if you talk to them or not. More often than not, it means that they don’t make new friends, and end up hanging out with their cronies who are willing to use their super important moniker.

If calling me “Daddy Kenneth” turns you on so much that you are distracted from my advice column, well, there are other things I could do with my fingers besides typing on a keyboard … of course those are distracting in their own right.