Tag Archives: Communication

February 26, 2014

“Dear Daddy Kenneth, while I feel that I made the right decision to walk away from a bad relationship for the past year, I feel lost and keep wondering what is wrong with me that I didn’t deserve love and respect. I gave it my all including financial and emotional support. I was never enough. He has jumped right into another relationship and I’m still angry at what he has done to me. I feel like I can’t move on. We don’t speak period so the questions will never be answered. How do I let this go? Sincerely, a hurt soul”

It is very hard to let something go when you’ve held on for a long time. If you thought that you were losing it, and held tighter at the end then letting go is even more difficult. What you have to remember is that even though you walked away rather than sink any more emotional and financial resources into this relationship, you already contributed those resources and you’re going to feel their loss. That’s not even to mention the fact that you are going to feel the loss of the stability you thought you had with this person. Allow yourself to feel, and mourn, that loss. I have a theory that a person is in mourning for their past relationship for half as long as the relationship lasted. This means that your ex-boyfriend is rebounding with his new beau, or he emotionally ended the relationship with you much sooner than you did, and has already mourned its loss.

I find that when relationships end, it’s usually because the people in the relationships want different things out of them. When relationships end badly, it’s because the people in them did not know how to communicate properly about those differences, or they didn’t even try. Most of the time, people assume that their partner knows what they want, and their partner wants the same thing. This is not always the case. Not wanting the same things does not mean that you are not deserving of love and respect, it just means that you partner may not know how to give you love and respect in a way that you can appreciate it. A failure to communicate can leave both partners feeling like they “gave it their all” and just “weren’t good enough.”

The question of what you did wrong, from his point of view, will never be answered completely. What you did was fail to give him what he needed, and fail to tell him what you needed. What he did was fail to give you what you needed, and fail to tell you what he needed. Beyond that, the specifics of his needs and your needs cannot be articulated unless you both drastically change your method of communication with each other. The chances of that happening at this point are negligible.

How do you get over it, and move on? You have to grieve. It sounds to me like you’re already in Anger, which is the second stage of grief, and next you’ll move into Bargaining, followed by Depression and Acceptance. You won’t be able force these, you won’t be able fake any of them; all you can do is let yourself experience them as they come. I recommend that you stay in acceptance as long as you can before you try moving into another relationship yourself. There’s no need to compete with your ex to show who is doing better post-breakup. Surround yourself with friends who love and support you, and work on letting go, one step at a time. You may also want to use your anger to motivate you to block your ex on social media, and remove him from your phone.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!

Advertisements

February 17, 2014

“So I have a question: if you love someone, have been through hell, and tried to work on trust, how then can you ignore that his reputation both in the relationship and outside are always on your mind? I have a guy that refuses to take responsibility for his side dealings, and while the evidence is clear we are lost in translation. I’ve dated escorts, dealers and even bankers, but never loved like I do now but the trust and honesty are gone. How do you get it back when they think the truth will hurt you more than the lies?”

Trust takes years to build and seconds to break. Once broken it is very rare that it can ever be fully repaired, and repairing it takes monumental effort on the part of the person doing the trusting. What kinds of efforts can you make? A friend of mine once told me that they found inner peace with their trust issues by trusting everyone to be themselves, nothing more, nothing less. If you can do that with your partner, you can start to build trust again. Instead of fighting his reputation, try embracing it. Don’t force him to pretend to be something he’s not in order to please you, but allow him to be himself and love him for all of that self.

Show him that the truth doesn’t hurt you, because you love him. Don’t pull “ah ha, gotcha” moments on him, when you have all the evidence, just let him know gently and non-judgmentally that you know what’s going on. If his “other man” was at your house and left his undies, wash them, fold them, and tell your boyfriend where they are and mention that he should make sure the other man gets them back. If they leave a used condom in the bathroom trash can, ask him nicely to take it out.

The more he knows you know, and the more he sees you can handle it without confrontation, the more likely he is to tell you things, and trust you not to freak out. You will be opening the door for communication without trying to force him through it. It’s one thing to tell your partner that he doesn’t have to sneak around, it’s another thing to show him you mean it.

Your boyfriend will continue to exhibit the same patterns of behavior that have “worked” for him in the past, and will fall into the same lies and deflections he’s used before. Don’t rise to his bait, and don’t call out his lies. Just let him have his way, and drop the subject. The more you accept him the way he is, the more he’ll accept that he can be himself around you. Eventually the lies will become unnecessary and stop; you’ll get to the point where you can tell your boyfriend that you’re out of milk and he should ask his fuck bud to pick some up on the way over.

As for the “reputation” outside the relationship, ignore it. If someone tries to hurt you with it, don’t be hurt by it. Say, “I know all about it, why are you gossiping about my boyfriend?”

I am not saying you need to be a pushover or a doormat; by all means, get what you need out of the relationship or get out. At the same time, accept that he’s getting his needs met too, and if you love him, you should be happy that he is. If he’s 15 minutes late for dinner, eat without him and serve him up some cold leftovers, and let him know you missed him at dinner and wished he was there. If he isn’t there to watch your tv show together, watch it without him; tell him you did, and he needs to catch up on his own. You know by now when his excuses are legitimate and when they’re bullshit. Reward the legitimate excuses by waiting longer, and ignore the bullshit ones. He’ll figure out the pattern quickly enough: “tell the truth, I wait; lie to me and eat alone.”

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!

Ferbrary 14, 2014

“Dear Daddy Kenneth, Can a switch or a man who does not accept the roll of Dominant collar someone who is and has accepted being submissive? If the submissive is the babygirl/boy of one man does the switch need permission from the Daddy to collar his lover? If the submissive is also protected and has a play partner, do the protector and play partner have a say in these goings on or is it between the lover and Daddy.”

Collars are symbols that are given meaning by the people who are using them, therefore it is up to the people who are using them to decide when and how to use them. There are some commonly accepted meanings when it comes to collaring, but I’ve seen kinky people turn those meanings on their heads, and utilize a meaning that was better suited to their own situation. So a Switch CAN collar a submissive if he wishes, and the submissive accepts the collar.

I am not sure why the submissive in question would be interested in accepting a collar from someone who was not dominant, but that is between the two of them. If they want to use a collar to symbolize a relationship between them, they should. He should be aware that perceptions from outsiders are going to place him in the role of dominant, and he will spend a great deal of time explaining why he has a collared submissive when he is not dominant.

In poly relationships, I am a big fan of keeping everyone in the loop, and respecting established boundaries. The submissive should ask the daddy what he thinks about the new development in the relationship, and how he thinks the switch should proceed. If the switch has a strong enough relationship with the daddy, the switch should talk to the daddy as well. If the switch is relatively unknown to the daddy, I would recommend that the switch let the submissive deal with the daddy.

As far as who has say in the relationship between the submissive and the switch, only the people in the relationship have say about what happens in the relationship. The play partner, protector, and daddy may all dictate how their relationships with the submissive go, but unless they are in relationships with each other that include the submissive as well (three ways or more ways relationships) they should stay out of the submissive’s other relationships, and focus on their own. They all have an obligation to respect each other and established boundaries, or get the fuck out, but no one should be dictating the the other relationships.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!

December 13, 2013

“So I’m feeling very single at there moment. My bf has flaked on our two last date nights because he’s drunk and passes out. We’ve had a great time just hanging out the night before our date night both of those times, though.

“Now he’s gone two days without even texting me – we typically text at least once or twice a day, but I always initiated it, so I wanted to see what happened when I didn’t initiate it.

“We’ve been together almost two months and set expectations & rules. I realize this is an open relationship, but I’m feeling more like it’s a failed relationship.

“I don’t want to be ‘that guy’ that bitches a fit over nothing, but I’m definitely feeling neglected – and I feel he’s ‘cheating’ on me with alcohol. So I’m kind if lost. I’ve had enough failed relationships & want him to work out – I haven’t felt the ‘I’m in love with you’ thing, but I have felt the ‘spending time with you makes me really happy’ thing. Should I say fuck it? Should I confront him? You always are strong for open communication & I’ve pushed open communication a lot in this relationship, but right now I’m just feeling… Disowned, despite my calls for communication if we have issues. I guess I don’t know if this is worth the effort or if I should just abandon it.”

For me, I make the decision to end a relationship when the negativity of the relationship outweighs the positivity of the relationship. If I am left with negative feelings more often then I am left with positive feelings, or the negative feelings I feel far outweigh the positive feelings, it’s a signal that things are not working out. That’s when I make a decision to change the nature of the relationship. One of the other things that I’ve learned is that communication in a relationship is not always verbal. Your partner is communicating with you by his actions, whether or not he realizes it. Your response is a form of communication as well. Be sure you know what you are communicating when you communicate with your partner.

Here is what I hear your partner saying in this situation: “You are not currently a priority in my life.” Your response says, “If I am not a priority in your life, I am not going to make you one in mine.” Now you have a conflict which you can resolve, ignore, or allow it to break your relationship. The choice of how you deal with that conflict is up to you. In your case, it could be as simple as sending your partner a text that says, “I miss you” and if questioned about it, make “I” statements. “I feel like I have not gotten enough time with you lately.” “I feel sad because our last two dates were cancelled.” Don’t make your partner the subject of your statements, own your feelings, and let your partner decide what to do with that information.

Remember what I say about cheating. Cheating is breaking the defined rules of the relationship. If there is no defined rules around alcohol or breaking dates, then your partner is not cheating. If you feel that there there should be some defined rules regarding keeping dates once made, then the next time you are spending time with your partner, or in part of your discussion about your feelings regarding the last two dates, propose a rule that says that once made a date should not be broken. Legitimate, death-in-the-family common-sense exceptions aside. Don’t try spell out what those acceptable exceptions are, because then you’ll end up arguing over whether it’s an exhaustive list or a list of examples. And you’ll be focusing on whether or not something is a legitimate excuse, rather than focusing on the real problems.

Focus on yourself, and what you need and want out of this relationship. Then you can communicate to your partner whether or not you’re needs are being met. Remember, use I statements. “I need a partner who will [blank].” “I feel that my need for [blank] is not being met.” Since you’re already in an open relationship, explore the possibilities that your needs could be met elsewhere. See if you can find a respectful way to inform your partner that you are getting, or looking to get, your needs met elsewhere. Your partner may take the opportunity to start meeting those needs for you.

Remember also, communication does not always require partners to sit down and have a serious conversation with each other. Anything you tell your partner in words and actions is communication. If you don’t want to be “that guy” then don’t. Just let your partner know how you’re feeling. You don’t have to make a huge ordeal out of it, just take the openings you’re given. When you see your partner out at the bar after two days of not texting, give them a kiss and say “I missed you.” When they propose another date, casually ask if they are sure the date works for them, as you don’t want to be stood up again. Don’t be passive aggressive, don’t be vindictive, just be communicative.

Do you have a question for “Ask Daddy”? Contact me with your question and I’ll give it my best shot.

August 5, 2013

“Daddy Kenneth: can you explain how a poly relationship is supposed to work in theory? How do you balance things so your primary does not feel left out when your secondaries cause more than their share of drama?”

Poly is a type of relationship where the participants feel that they are capable of being involved in more than one romantic relationship at a time. There are various ways to engage in poly relationships, including: Closed Poly Relationships in which the participants share love and sex with only each other, similar to a monogamous relationship but with more than two people. Primary/Secondary Relationships where the poly person will share more of their life with one person (usually this includes things like children, living spaces, shared bills etc) as well as romance and sex, and will share romance and sex with additional people. Polygamy is where one person has multiple partners, but the others in their relationship do not.

In order to work, all the partners must be “in the know” about the relationships and their statuses and functions. This requires communication, patience, and understanding on all parts. Many poly people reject the notion of “happily ever after” and subscribe instead to the ideology that relationships are by nature transient. You can share a part of your life with someone for a length of time, and then stop sharing your life with that person without your life or theirs ending. Sometimes a secondary relationship will grow into a primary relationship while a primary relationship fades back into a secondary relationship. Sometimes secondary relationships will end all together and a new one doesn’t start for many years. The key to any poly relationship is mutual love, trust, respect and communication with your partners. Also remember, it is not your place to communicate with your partner’s partners, unless they are also your partners.

A person causing drama in a relationship is attempting to communicate, but doing so in a way that is not constructive. Listen to all aspects of that communication: The timing, the preceding events, the follow up events. Determine what it is that the person is asking for. Once you are aware what their problem is, encourage them to bring that problem to you in a more constructive manner. If they feel they are not getting enough of your time, talk with your primary about adjusting the time tables. If they feel that you are disrespecting them, look at your self and determine if that’s true. It could be that they are just being selfish and childish, how would you deal with that if you were in a 1 on 1 relationship with this person and there were no other partners involved? Once you have an established protocol for constructive communication, resist the urge to give into the dramatic communication. If your primary is feeling threatened by these bursts of dramatic communication, make sure you set aside some drama free time with your primary. Disconnect your computers, turn off your phones, lock your doors, and light a scented candle, and share some quality time with your primary.