Tag Archives: Boyfriend

February 26, 2014

“Dear Daddy Kenneth, while I feel that I made the right decision to walk away from a bad relationship for the past year, I feel lost and keep wondering what is wrong with me that I didn’t deserve love and respect. I gave it my all including financial and emotional support. I was never enough. He has jumped right into another relationship and I’m still angry at what he has done to me. I feel like I can’t move on. We don’t speak period so the questions will never be answered. How do I let this go? Sincerely, a hurt soul”

It is very hard to let something go when you’ve held on for a long time. If you thought that you were losing it, and held tighter at the end then letting go is even more difficult. What you have to remember is that even though you walked away rather than sink any more emotional and financial resources into this relationship, you already contributed those resources and you’re going to feel their loss. That’s not even to mention the fact that you are going to feel the loss of the stability you thought you had with this person. Allow yourself to feel, and mourn, that loss. I have a theory that a person is in mourning for their past relationship for half as long as the relationship lasted. This means that your ex-boyfriend is rebounding with his new beau, or he emotionally ended the relationship with you much sooner than you did, and has already mourned its loss.

I find that when relationships end, it’s usually because the people in the relationships want different things out of them. When relationships end badly, it’s because the people in them did not know how to communicate properly about those differences, or they didn’t even try. Most of the time, people assume that their partner knows what they want, and their partner wants the same thing. This is not always the case. Not wanting the same things does not mean that you are not deserving of love and respect, it just means that you partner may not know how to give you love and respect in a way that you can appreciate it. A failure to communicate can leave both partners feeling like they “gave it their all” and just “weren’t good enough.”

The question of what you did wrong, from his point of view, will never be answered completely. What you did was fail to give him what he needed, and fail to tell him what you needed. What he did was fail to give you what you needed, and fail to tell you what he needed. Beyond that, the specifics of his needs and your needs cannot be articulated unless you both drastically change your method of communication with each other. The chances of that happening at this point are negligible.

How do you get over it, and move on? You have to grieve. It sounds to me like you’re already in Anger, which is the second stage of grief, and next you’ll move into Bargaining, followed by Depression and Acceptance. You won’t be able force these, you won’t be able fake any of them; all you can do is let yourself experience them as they come. I recommend that you stay in acceptance as long as you can before you try moving into another relationship yourself. There’s no need to compete with your ex to show who is doing better post-breakup. Surround yourself with friends who love and support you, and work on letting go, one step at a time. You may also want to use your anger to motivate you to block your ex on social media, and remove him from your phone.

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February 17, 2014

“So I have a question: if you love someone, have been through hell, and tried to work on trust, how then can you ignore that his reputation both in the relationship and outside are always on your mind? I have a guy that refuses to take responsibility for his side dealings, and while the evidence is clear we are lost in translation. I’ve dated escorts, dealers and even bankers, but never loved like I do now but the trust and honesty are gone. How do you get it back when they think the truth will hurt you more than the lies?”

Trust takes years to build and seconds to break. Once broken it is very rare that it can ever be fully repaired, and repairing it takes monumental effort on the part of the person doing the trusting. What kinds of efforts can you make? A friend of mine once told me that they found inner peace with their trust issues by trusting everyone to be themselves, nothing more, nothing less. If you can do that with your partner, you can start to build trust again. Instead of fighting his reputation, try embracing it. Don’t force him to pretend to be something he’s not in order to please you, but allow him to be himself and love him for all of that self.

Show him that the truth doesn’t hurt you, because you love him. Don’t pull “ah ha, gotcha” moments on him, when you have all the evidence, just let him know gently and non-judgmentally that you know what’s going on. If his “other man” was at your house and left his undies, wash them, fold them, and tell your boyfriend where they are and mention that he should make sure the other man gets them back. If they leave a used condom in the bathroom trash can, ask him nicely to take it out.

The more he knows you know, and the more he sees you can handle it without confrontation, the more likely he is to tell you things, and trust you not to freak out. You will be opening the door for communication without trying to force him through it. It’s one thing to tell your partner that he doesn’t have to sneak around, it’s another thing to show him you mean it.

Your boyfriend will continue to exhibit the same patterns of behavior that have “worked” for him in the past, and will fall into the same lies and deflections he’s used before. Don’t rise to his bait, and don’t call out his lies. Just let him have his way, and drop the subject. The more you accept him the way he is, the more he’ll accept that he can be himself around you. Eventually the lies will become unnecessary and stop; you’ll get to the point where you can tell your boyfriend that you’re out of milk and he should ask his fuck bud to pick some up on the way over.

As for the “reputation” outside the relationship, ignore it. If someone tries to hurt you with it, don’t be hurt by it. Say, “I know all about it, why are you gossiping about my boyfriend?”

I am not saying you need to be a pushover or a doormat; by all means, get what you need out of the relationship or get out. At the same time, accept that he’s getting his needs met too, and if you love him, you should be happy that he is. If he’s 15 minutes late for dinner, eat without him and serve him up some cold leftovers, and let him know you missed him at dinner and wished he was there. If he isn’t there to watch your tv show together, watch it without him; tell him you did, and he needs to catch up on his own. You know by now when his excuses are legitimate and when they’re bullshit. Reward the legitimate excuses by waiting longer, and ignore the bullshit ones. He’ll figure out the pattern quickly enough: “tell the truth, I wait; lie to me and eat alone.”

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!

Ferbrary 14, 2014

“Dear Daddy Kenneth, Can a switch or a man who does not accept the roll of Dominant collar someone who is and has accepted being submissive? If the submissive is the babygirl/boy of one man does the switch need permission from the Daddy to collar his lover? If the submissive is also protected and has a play partner, do the protector and play partner have a say in these goings on or is it between the lover and Daddy.”

Collars are symbols that are given meaning by the people who are using them, therefore it is up to the people who are using them to decide when and how to use them. There are some commonly accepted meanings when it comes to collaring, but I’ve seen kinky people turn those meanings on their heads, and utilize a meaning that was better suited to their own situation. So a Switch CAN collar a submissive if he wishes, and the submissive accepts the collar.

I am not sure why the submissive in question would be interested in accepting a collar from someone who was not dominant, but that is between the two of them. If they want to use a collar to symbolize a relationship between them, they should. He should be aware that perceptions from outsiders are going to place him in the role of dominant, and he will spend a great deal of time explaining why he has a collared submissive when he is not dominant.

In poly relationships, I am a big fan of keeping everyone in the loop, and respecting established boundaries. The submissive should ask the daddy what he thinks about the new development in the relationship, and how he thinks the switch should proceed. If the switch has a strong enough relationship with the daddy, the switch should talk to the daddy as well. If the switch is relatively unknown to the daddy, I would recommend that the switch let the submissive deal with the daddy.

As far as who has say in the relationship between the submissive and the switch, only the people in the relationship have say about what happens in the relationship. The play partner, protector, and daddy may all dictate how their relationships with the submissive go, but unless they are in relationships with each other that include the submissive as well (three ways or more ways relationships) they should stay out of the submissive’s other relationships, and focus on their own. They all have an obligation to respect each other and established boundaries, or get the fuck out, but no one should be dictating the the other relationships.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

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December 6, 2013

“When vetting a potential new partner… How far is to far I.e. Facebook stalking, asking friends, getting friends approval, to extremes like back ground checks?”

I have a series of steps used to describe the relationship status between me and another person, and because “partner” is only a couple steps below “husband” by the time a person is a “potential new partner” they are well and truly vetted! Most of the things you listed are things that happen organically, in the process of someone moving from stranger to partner.

My ladder of relationships goes like this: Knowing someone, seeing someone, dating someone, boyfriends with someone, partners with someone, engaged to someone and then married to someone. Usually in the “knowing” phase, we become connected on social media (e.g. Facebook) and so the so-called “Facebook stalking” starts. One day I might scroll through their pictures, another time I might get invited to an event they are going to, and I’ll probably be seeing their posts as we proceed to get to know each other. This will give me a clue as to what their interests are, and how closely they align with mine.

As we move into seeing each other, we start going places together and having conversations with each other. This gives me a clearer understanding of who they are and what we have in common, and in the dating phase we are (or should be) meeting each other’s friends. I don’t know about you, but my friends are my friends for a reason. They are a lot like me, and so are pretty honest with me when it comes to their thoughts and feelings, and they’ll let me know right away if they approve or disapprove of someone I’m dating. They’ll also let me know if their approval has changed to disapproval as things progress.

Also, I have friends and acquaintances who are, well, busybodies. They will be more than happy to talk to someone I’m dating and tell them about me. My friends will say things that are true, even if they exaggerate a tad or embellish the details a smudge. I certainly don’t sleep with a new guy every day, or even every week. Once a month might not be as far off, and is certainly more than most people, so when my friends say I’m very prolific in my conquests, they wouldn’t be lying. In my experience dating, the same has been true for the friends of the people I’m dating. For some reason our friends like to talk to our romantic interests about us.

This person isn’t even my boyfriend yet, and already I’ve Facebook stalked, asked his friends, and gotten my friend’s approval. Background checks aren’t simple or cheap for the average person to perform on a sporadic basis. The only time (I know of) that I have been subject to one was when a boyfriend’s family member worked for a business that routinely used background checks in the course of their business, and somehow my name got added to the list of people they were running that day. I daresay that is not common for most people.

The larger issue implied by your question is what I can “Cinderella Syndrome.” Disney has taught us that love at first sight exists, and that there is a person we are destined to spend the rest of our lives with, and that we will live happily ever after with that person once we meet them. Because of this delusion, we assess every person we meet who makes our heart beat faster as a “potential new partner” rather than getting to know them to see if we are mentally compatible, and dating them to see if we are romantically compatible, and being boyfriends/girlfriends with them to see if we are sexually compatible. We mistake mutual attraction for complete compatibility and want to skip all the necessary steps to verify it. Because of this we end up in relationships where our ideologies, sexual appetites, romantic connections, etc. are different between the partners. We stay in these relationships because we believe that we are supposed to fix the things that are broken rather than ending the relationship and trying again. Breaking up with someone is considered a failure, and so we avoid it.

This is, obviously, not the best way to conduct our romantic lives, but the staggering divorce rate, and number of breakups posted on Facebook tell me that this is what is happening. My last relationship ended because we wanted different things out of a relationship. That’s not a line, that’s really what happened. My husband and I can’t blame him for what he wanted, and he shouldn’t blame us for wanting what we wanted. All three of us tried to make it work as long as we could, and when we realized that it was never going to work, we broke up.

I think more people should take relationships slower, and go through all the steps. They should stop going through the steps when the relationship stops working, and not blame themselves or the other person/people in the relationship. If more people did this, then the relationships that lasted would be more stable, and the relationships that didn’t last would leave fewer scars on the people in them. It would also cut the divorce rate in half, at least. So go, get to know lot of people and if you think you’re compatible with them, date some of them, and if you think that works, get a boyfriend or girlfriend (or two, or three if that’s your fancy.) If it doesn’t work, give yourself permission to stop trying.

To make a long story short, there is no such thing as too much vetting for a potential new partner. However, there is also no reason for all that vetting to take place overnight.

July 30, 2013

“So I have fallen for this guy. He seems to feel the same towards me. When we hang out, people assume we’re a couple. His friends & boyfriend both picked up on our feelings, and I’m afraid it’s causing tension between him & his boyfriend. They’re in an open relationship, but the bf doesn’t like having emotional attachment or social interactions with his playmates; whereas the guy I like seems to love the emotional & social attachment. What can I do so I don’t damage their relationship, but remain an active part of this Guy’s life? I like his bf too, and wouldn’t be opposed to a threesome situation, but the bf doesn’t seem to want to associate with me more than he has to.”

Guy and Boyfriend have their own set of problems in regards to their relationship and communication, and you would serve yourself and Boyfriend best if you stay out of them. Guy is actually cheating on Boyfriend. It seems as if they have defined rules in their relationship, and Guy doesn’t agree with them, so he is passive-aggressively breaking them. Boyfriend knows this, and while he is trying not to blame you for the situation, he can’t help but blame you a little bit. He’s smart enough to realize that if it wasn’t you that Guy was cheating with, it would be someone else, therefore he is tolerating you as “the evil he knows and can see” if you are not in the picture, then he has to try to discover who Guy’s next “other man” is.

You sense the tension between them because it is present whenever you are around. Boyfriend knows that you’re the other man. You know that Boyfriend knows about you, and Boyfriend and Guy are having a silent argument about you that they think they are hiding from everyone else in the room.

To keep your status as the other man, and protect the relationship that your cheating partner is in, insist that social interactions with your cheating partner take place with your friends. Do not verbalize your emotional attachment, to each other, any of your friends, or any of his. Insist that you avoid people who are mutual friends with him and Boyfriend whenever possible, and make sure that you are making a conscious choice to send him home to Boyfriend. If you give him these subtle hints that you are onto him and his game, he may lose interest in you. That means that he didn’t really love you, just the idea of what you represented. If he accepts your terms you may save both relationships. On the other hand, Guy could turn around and start cheating on both you and Boyfriend with a fourth guy.