Tag Archives: Bottoms

November 29, 2013

“What are some good resources for learning about different fetishes & kink? I’m looking to expand my understanding and try things out in a safe environment, but my searches for information tend to lead me to porn websites more than helpful resources.”

People are the best resource for learning about fetishes and kink. I would recommend finding out if you local community has a fetish education center, educational conferences, or public events. Start going to these places and learning what you want to know. Along the way, you may learn about things that you didn’t know you had interest in before, and you may become great at them. You may also learn that some things you did want to try were not your cup of tea.

If you’re at a conference, you won’t get the in depth kind of knowledge that you’re looking for, but you may get a chance to connect and network with people who know about your fetish or kink, and can show you one on one or in a group what to do when the time comes.

Internet searches are free, and relatively easy, and make “experts” out of people with no hands on experience. They are also unreliable, as you don’t know whether the person on the other end of the typing actually knows what they are talking about or not. (Yes, I realize the irony of using an internet based advice column to tell you that getting knowledge on the internet is unreliable, but I do the best I can.) This is why I don’t trust anyone on the internet unless they are willing to meet face to face before I play with them, or before I am comfortable with my boys playing with them.

All too often, the “Grand Master Constantines” out there have extensive online experience spinning their fantasies with words, and not actual whips. Their fantasies involve things that would and could seriously hurt or maim a person, and they don’t even know it, because they’ve never taken the time and energy, or spent the money to learn to do it properly. Early in my BDSM life, I searched for “real BDSM porn” and could not find anything that wasn’t over the time and unrealistic, or non-kinky people pretending to be kinky for money.

When I’ve learned, the people demonstrating, or teaching me may not have always been the hottest people in my book, they may not have always turned me on (I learned a lot in the straight world) but they always knew what they were doing, and were open and honest about what they did and didn’t know. It was reliable information followed by practical demonstrations. Afterward there were folks who were willing to talk to me about what I saw and how to make it work for me.

The reality is that most BDSM Practices cannot be learned from reading about them or watching a video that someone else prepared. You must have your own experience, and your own journey while learning about these things.

November 20, 2013

“Is it ‘UN-sub like’ or ‘UN-boy like’ to be very exacting or assertive in what you want?”

Yes and no. It is useful for a boy or submissive to know exactly what it is that they like, and exactly what it is that they don’t like. It’s also useful to know to what degree they like, or do not like that thing. Often times in new relationships, a sir/daddy/dominate type will try to understand what makes their new boy, or potential new boy, tick. It’s hard to punish a boy by shaving their head if the boy gets off on having their head shaved. Likewise if they enjoy being in Daddy’s company, time “off leash” and away from Daddy isn’t a suitable reward for good behavior. There are some things that are hard limits for boys, and if they experience those things they may decide to leave and never come back (or worse, badmouth Daddy to all their boy friends, and leave Daddy with no one to play with.) Being exact about what you like and what you don’t, and sharing that information with your dominant is a good way to get what you want.

Assertiveness on the other hand, can be problematic. Sir/daddy/dominate types like to be in control in their relationships. That is why they are s/d/d types and not boys or submissives. If they wanted to be told what to do, when to do it, or how to do it, they would be the ones wearing the collars, not the ones holding the leashes. Asserting your rights as a human being is one thing, but asserting yourself sexually or in your BDSM play may be a turn off to your dominant. Remember that while you have the right to emotional, physical, and mental safety in your BDSM relationships, your dominant is much more than the person who wields the whip for your pleasure. Often they have kinks and fetishes of their own. They likely entered into this relationship in order to get those wants and needs filled, not to spend the entire relationship fulfilling your wants and needs.

If you find yourself in a dominant submissive relationship and you are asking yourself, how do I get my wants met, without inconveniencing myself to make sure my partner’s needs are met; chances are you are attempting to take the dominant role in the relationship, regardless of which side of the whip you want to be on. I might add, you are also doing so in a very selfish way. No BDSM relationship should be, in my opinion, one sided. There is give and take, which is why we call it “power exchange”.

My recommendation to any submissive or boy out there who is in a D/s relationship is to ask yourself daily, perhaps as part of your evening devotion, meditation, reflection, or final thoughts before sleep, “What did I do to serve my dominant today, and did I do it in the spirit of service?” When you have an answer daily, without thinking too hard about it, you’ll know that you are being truly “sub-like” or truly “boy-like.” The way your dominant partner says “Thank you” my be pleasant and surprising to you, and may be everything you wanted and needed in that moment. If you are not currently in a D/s relationship, but would like to be, ask yourself each night, “What did I do today to serve my future dominant?”

PS: Service can be the little things you do that you think might go by unnoticed, like not giving your daddy too many dinner choices when he’s had a long day, or listening to his decision when he makes a choice, even if it seems like he just arbitrarily picked the second thing you said. If he gets to relax and enjoy a stress free dinner after a long day, he may be refreshed for some hot play after dinner, or he may just want to relax on the couch with a movie and a boy in his arms. Either way, you win, right?

PPS: An unowned boy or submissive always, always-always-always-always, has the right to say no! Regardless of who is asking, and how they are asking you to do something. If your potential dominant is not willing to listen to your “No” when you’re chatting over text or at the bar, you can bet your ass that he won’t listen when you’re tied up and helpless, and you may loose a lot more than you’re willing to bet when he does. Always! I can’t say it enough. He may be the greatest, most respected, most powerful daddy in the world with the most boys following him everywhere. The greatest gift you can give yourself, and your future dominant is to say “No” to him.