Tag Archives: Bottom (BDSM)

February 21, 2014

“So I’m curious, I’m not sure I understand the whole ‘pup thing’ can you explain it to me?”

“One is interested in pup play, I have seen pups in action and I have a few pup friends. Is the role of a pup dom/sub or its handler/pup? I am interested in this, but feel awkward asking information as I don’t want to ask stupid questions or offend anyone. Is pup play a turn on to people? How does one go about more info? I know you are in A-PAH, but I know very little about this. Please help, and thank you for your time”

“As a new puppy, with an even newer handler, do you have any advise for me (the puppy) & him (the handler)? Our roles, expectations, communication, etc.?”

Presenting the first 3’fer Friday! To be honest, it’s likely to be the only 3’fer Friday, but why not. I had three very similar questions, so I am bundling them up and presenting them to you all at once!

The whole “pup thing” is similar to the whole “boy thing,” “slave thing,” or “little thing.” What I mean is that it’s a way to identify, and a way to define yourself and your role within a family, be it Kinky, Leather, Poly, or all of the above. Many people who are into pup play take on the roles and characteristics of puppies in real life. For example, when I’m at home, I can be minding my own business doing my thing, and suddenly my pup will want attention. He will whine, growl, bark, pull on my clothes, lay his head in my lap, etc. until I’m paying attention to him. Once he has my attention, he’ll demand love and affection for a few minutes, then run off and do something else. If we’re out somewhere, he’ll wander off to explore on his own, but will circle around to make sure I’m right where he left me. If I’m not, he’ll search until he finds me, and then wander off to explore again. If he does happen to be standing with me when I move, and his attention is not occupied by something else, he will follow me to wherever my new spot is. If I happen to pick something up that he wants, he’ll follow me around to make sure that I share my treat with him. If I try to lock him out of the room while enjoying my treat, he’ll whine and paw at the door until I let him in. And all of those things are things he does while in human head-space.

When he’s in pup-headspace it’s a completely different ballgame! He chews on toys, he moves around on four legs, he wrestles with other puppies, and he generally does all the things that pups do when they are playing with other pups. His role, when he’s in pup-headspace, is to be my puppy. To give me all the things that a bio-canine gives me. Love, affection, devotion, and playful pup energy. My role, when he’s in pup space is to give him protection, safety, food and water, things to do, and social interaction. For us, puppy play is not sexual, and it’s not inherently a Dom/sub relationship (except that I am expected to control him to a degree as his owner.)

For the person afraid of asking stupid questions, I have long held the belief that the only stupid question is the one that’s already been answered. If by all reasonably standards, you should know the answer and you ask the question anyway, it might be a stupid question. Most people will not be offended if you ask a question, or even if you ask for clarification because you didn’t understand what they meant when they answered. As the pup community grows and expands, there has been a lot of information put on the internet about what pup play is, and what pup play means to the people participating in it. Read some of that stuff, and then show up at your local pup event and get involved. Ask questions and make friends.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

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December 18, 2013

“Hi Daddy Kenneth, This is a question I’ve researched on the Internet with conflicting responses. I am writing an erotic BDSM eBook and I need a good definition of ‘topping from the bottom.’ As indicated, I can’t find consistency for that, other than the obvious – the bottom directs the scene or controls while being penetrated. Is that the extent of the term?”

The problem with finding a universally accepted definition of anything in BDSM, is that there are hardly any universally accepted definitions within the BDSM culture. Even a word as simple as “sir” has different meaning to different people. While some of the meanings may overlap or have similar themes, you would be hard pressed to find two people (from different leather families) with the exact same definition of “sir.” Doing so with complicated concepts is even more difficult.

Most commonly, “topping from the bottom” is a derogatory way to describe a submissive who doesn’t know their proper place; as in, “he claims to be a slave, but all he does is top from the bottom.” This is when a submissive wants to tell a dominant how hard the dominant is allowed to hit, where, when, how many times, and with what instruments. This can be very frustrating for dominants who like to have, you know, control.

A positive definition of “topping from the bottom” is when the submissive penetrates their dominant for the purpose of giving their dominant pleasure. This can also be done with other tools of BDSM that the bottom is skilled in. In this case the dominant would be in the receiving role for the scene, usually called the bottom, but would be directing the scene the way they wanted, usually something the top does.

Outside the BDSM Sub-culture, sometimes the penetrated person in a sexual encounter is really the one driving the encounter, and the penetrator is the more passive participant. Power bottoms and liberated women do this a lot, I’ve noticed. There’s nothing wrong with this practice, and it’s only worth mentioning because it is opposite of the cultural norm.

This brings me to the most universally acceptable (and because I said that someone is going to contradict me) definition of “topping from the bottom” that I can think of. “Any scene where the roles of the participants are opposite of what is expected or typical.”

Do you have a question for “Ask Daddy”? Send me a message and I’ll give it a shot!

August 2, 2013

“Me and my husband are in a open relationship going on 8 years now. We met a guy who introduced us to the world of BDSM. He wanted a Dom and I did have fun playing the part. But the problem is I keep wondering what it would be like to be a sub. I seem to always be the guy in control during sex or relationships but I have recently been fantasizing about being controlled by a strong man. Can you be a part of this community and flip flop like that?”

The term for people who play both sides of the Dom/sub fence is “switch.” A switch will have the skill and knowledge to be on either side in the scene. The side they choose usually depends on their partner at the time; other times they will seek out specific partners that will fulfill the side that they need to express at any give time.

Usually when you are in a long term relationship with someone who has an established role, you tend to engage most often in the complimentary role. However, there are always exceptions, some established submissives have been known to demonstrate their abilities as Dominants when they are introducing new submissives to the scene, or playing with a dedicated submissive. I have also noticed a phenomenon that I call “Situational Dominance” wherein a group of submissives form a pack, a group, or a club and in the absence of a dedicated Dominant or Top, they will take turns topping each other.

None of this should be confused with a Dominant who chooses to assume the bottom role in a scene to gain first-hand knowledge of the bottom’s perspective to become a better Top in that particular scene, or with a particular set of skills.

There are some traditionalists who believe that once established, a leather person’s role should not switch. While we have an obligation as members of the community to respect the people who say “My role is Dominant, and I don’t switch” or vice versa; we also have an obligation to recognize that the role “Switch” is a valid form of self expression.