December 22, 2014

“I have always had an alternative sexuality, and haven’t defined my life based on not liking things I haven’t tried. I fell into a group of kinksters who all shared a specific kink. I tried it out, and embraced the lifestyle as much as I could, but discovered it wasn’t for me. I really like my friends and the people I met through that kink community, but I don’t feel like that lifestyle is for me. How do I say ‘this isn’t my bag’ and reject my identity within that circle without alienating my friends?”

If your identity within that circle is based on a perception of you that is not true, and if you have allowed that perception to continue knowing it’s not true, than you are more or less lying to your friends about who you are. If your friends find out about this lie, they’ll be hurt. This situation gets ugly really fast. My guess is they like you for you, and not necessarily because of a shared kink. If I am wrong, you are going to lose nothing by being honest with people who don’t actually like you for the real you anyway.

So my advice is to be honest with them. Perhaps try it out one at a time, let one of them (whichever one you feel closest to) know that you thought you had this kink, but you were wrong. Ask how you fit into his or her life now that they know that you don’t share their kink. She or he may surprise you. Often, kinky folks like to have friends too. If you’re not freaked out by the kink in question, then it might be beneficial to the kinky person to have a friend they can talk to about their kink, without worrying about whether or not you think they are coming onto you or trying to start a scene. An understanding friend can go a long way, and be one of the most awesome things in the world.

I do not participate in every kink that exists. My husband and I do not even share all our kinks with each other. He does stuff that I don’t like, and I do stuff that he doesn’t like. It’s not the end of our relationship, and we have the type of relationship where we can get our needs met elsewhere. Meanwhile, when his scene goes really well, or not, he knows that he can talk to me afterward to compliment, or complain about, his top.

The biggest thing to remember, when telling someone that their kink is not one that you share, is to be respectful of the fact that it is their kink! Just because it doesn’t work for you, is no reason to make them feel ashamed, guilty, bad, or evil just for having that kink. You can tell them that you’re not into it while completely respecting the fact that they are.

Try saying something like, “I tried double-handed fisting once, and I can see why some people really like it, but it’s not really my thing.” You validate that you’ve experienced it and are not pre-judging a kink, then you validate that other people like it; before you say in a nonjudgmental way that you don’t particularly care for it. If your friends reject you for not sharing their kink at this point, they weren’t really your friends in the first place and were just looking for another hook-up to share their kink with. Accept that fact and move on with your life. If they tell you it’s cool and ask you out to brunch, you know that you have some good friends.

I will warn you, however, you may not be invited to all the events that this group hosts after you reveal that you don’t share their kink. Sometimes people create events specifically around their kink and wish to preserve the energy of that play. Meaning they don’t want uninterested watchers. You have to be okay with that, and accept the new dynamic of that friendship.

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December 15, 2014

“What advice do you have on aftercare for “Dom drop”/ “Top drop,” or Sir Fatigue for someone who only has a play partner (or partners) but is not in a committed relationship? Or whose partner is unavailable for aftercare after a particularly draining play session or scene?”

My advice is to negotiate your scene before your scene. If you are a top that needs aftercare, whether it is for a particular scene or for every scene, then you are responsible for negotiating that aftercare with your play partner. If your partner is unwilling or unable to meet your needs, then you should be unwilling or unable to scene with them. It may take creative thinking in order for you and your play partner to arrive at a mutually satisfying arrangement, but I think that both parties should be obligated to put forth the effort. We train dominants new to the scene that their negotiation should contain the phrase, “And what type of aftercare do you require?” I believe that submissives should be asking their dominants the same question. If the answer is outside the scope of the submissive’s ability, for whatever reason, the submissive should make every reasonable effort to meet the dominant’s needs in another way.

I find it discouraging that we never ever question the need for aftercare for the submissive, or the fact that it is generally expected that the dominate scene partner will provide (or arrange) it. But, as soon as a dominant person says they want or need aftercare, a discussion is started about whether or not this care is needed, whether or not this care is part of the scene, whose responsibly it is to provide or arrange it, and what to do when the submissive in the scene is too physically and emotionally drained after a very intense scene. Don’t misunderstand my meaning; I am completely aware that intense scenes take a physical and emotional toll on the bottoms in those scenes. However, bottoms should take the time to learn and acknowledge how physically and emotionally taxing these scenes can be on the dominate too. Some would argue that the dominant partner typically does more physically during a scene than the submissive does.

I find that, typically, the loudest voices protesting against aftercare for dominants are the submissives who are afraid that they will be asked to do something that they don’t know how to do, or tricked into doing something they are unwilling to do. This is easily solved by developing your skills in negotiation. It is a very important skill to have in our lifestyle for multiple reasons; not the least of which is so that dominants are not able to take advantage of or abuse “free-agent” submissives. I also can’t help but wonder about something. If you are afraid that a dominant person is going to abuse or take advantage of you during negotiation; why are you you still negotiating a scene, where your physical and emotional well-being could very easily be compromised, with that person?

I’ll also let you in on a little known secret about the dominants in our community (as long as you promise never to tell anyone that I told you this): They are human beings; almost like people even, most of them anyway. People tend to have emotions, weaknesses, needs, wants, and desires. Most of the time, the aftercare we require is simple. Sometimes we just need to hold you for a minute, which works out when all you need is to be held for a minute. Other times it might be a massage, or a hot roll in the hay; and I understand if your standing relationships or physical skills don’t allow you to indulge those particular needs. But if you keep in mind that at the end of the day your dominant is human, with the same basic desires and needs as you; you’ll find a way to keep her or him happy enough to hit you with that bull whip again.

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December 8, 2014

“Sir, I have a question for you. What is your view on BB as it pertains to undetectable poz partners with neg partners? We are all adults and all have to make, and own, our own decisions. In your experience and knowledge base do you belief it to be a low incidence of transference or is it just as likely. I have always been pretty steadfast about playing safe with occasional missteps. I grew up during the worst time in history for the virus and have managed to still be negative to this day, a bit surprising honestly. I am more top but also enjoy being a bottom on occasion. I am also at a point in my life that I feel I want to do some of the things I have always held back from out of fear. I am aware it is certainly in ones best personal interest to maintain their health and I surely am not a person who is looking to seroconvert. That said, I have had and will continue to have partners who are positive. Sexuality for me is deeply felt and the barrier created by a condom removes a great deal of that me. I guess I am just looking to you for a bit of sound reasoning. I ultimately make up my mind with all factors considered, but I always like to hear others perspectives.”

My view is that a person should take all possible precaution to keep themselves negative if they wish to remain negative. Just like a person can lie to you about being negative, a person can lie to you about being undetectable. So your first line of defense against contracting HIV is to know you partners and know if and when they are going to lie to you. Recent studies show that a person who has an undetectable viral load has a “near zero” percent chance of transmitting the virus. “Near Zero” is not zero. You need to decide for yourself what risk you are willing to take.

Another thing that you can do for yourself is to talk to your doctor about taking Truvada as PrEP. Studies show that taking Truvada once a day, every day, takes your chances of contracting HIV down toward zero. If you are medicated against catching HIV and your partner is medicated against transmitting HIV, your chances of having a transmission event are as close zero as you can possibly get. There is no foolproof way to prevent transmission, except abstinence. The tools for preventing transmission can be stacked on top of each other to help you prevent transmission events. Condoms are still one tool that can be used to prevent transmission events. Take the smart risks, and educate yourself about what those risks are, and you can continue to live an HIV negative life while enjoying sex and companionship with HIV positive partners and friends. I admire your courage and your desire to know people rather than stigmatize a disease.

If you look at all the options and all the information, and make an informed decision to forgo the condom with your partners who are positive, I say that you are an adult who has every right to make decisions for yourself. No one in the world is authorized to tell you how to live your life, or how to have your sex, expect for yourself.

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December 1, 2014

“As a straight male in a happy monogamous relationship I learned that while I am not poly, that urge to fuck other people never truly goes away. It just has to be kept in perspective and in its place. I am not actually interested in inviting others into the bedroom and I am content keeping fantasy fantasy.

That being said, pornography and masturbation is the greatest. I’ve always found it interesting feeling the difference between what I can do myself and what I ask others for (or they just do themselves!).

What I am wondering is how to bring the masturbation game to the next level. Porn occasionally gets boring, but so does just leaving it to the imagination. Toys are fun every once in a while if you can multitask and even changing up the technique like switching hands or rubbing the perineum can keep it fresh. You can even “test” yourself and play with indulging and denying yourself.

Basically, wanking it is one of the one freedoms every body has and I wonder if I’ve reached my plateau or if there are new ways to keep it alone and interesting. Is this a normal feeling among others, perhaps those not as monogamous or straight as I, but just as hypersexed?”

There are many ways to spice up your masturbation routine. One of which, you have already mentioned, toys. There are masturbatary aids that are specifically designed with the male in mind. Several of these involve a soft rubber, or similar material, hole into which you can insert your penis. Because of the materials involved, it is usually safe to use lube, and ejaculate into the toy, before cleaning it off and putting it away. Check your local sex shop and don’t be afraid to ask for help, or ask questions of the staff working there. Trust me, they’ve heard it all, and you are not going to frighten them with your questions.

It may be possible to engage in mutual masturbation with people outside your relationship with the use of webcams. Talk with your partner and find out if this behavior is considered breaking the rules of your monogamous relationship, and if it is not, delve deeper into the conversation. There are numerous sites that offer services that allow you to broadcast your cam session. Some of them focus on one-on-one interactions between cam users, and some feature you broadcasting, and many people watching. Find out what, if any of the above, your partner is comfortable with you doing. Make sure that whatever boundaries you set with your partner are followed! If you have political or Hollywood aspirations, you may wish to hide your face somehow.

You may also decide to engage in masturbatary games with your partner. For example; challenge your partner to catch you in the act of masturbating, then challenge yourself to not get caught. See how close you can get to getting caught, without actually getting caught. Try various places in your home: The couch, the bathroom, the kitchen, etc. (I am assuming that you have no minor children, yours or otherwise, who live with you and who may be the ones who catch you instead of your partner.) You may also engage in masturbation in the same room as your partner, with or without looking at each other. Race each other to orgasm. Name a silly prize for the winner. (If I come before you, you will take out the trash tomorrow.)

Other options for variation can include altering the porn you watch, switching from visual porn to written erotica, altering the location you use to masturbate in. Are you tired of the shower? Try masturbating in the bed! Do you always do it in front of the computer? Go play in the pool! (The private, back yard swimming pool where no one but your legal-age partner is going to see what you’re doing.) Do you always use your right hand? Try your left!

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March 7, 2014

“As a newly self-discovered boy, I am very eager to serve. I would love to find a Sir and hope to one day earn his collar. But how to find one? Is it rude to approach a Sir and ask to be his boy? Are there any resources available to help with pairing boys and Sirs? Or is it basically just like dating, with many ‘misses’ before you find the right one?”

Meeting people in the BSDM/Leather world is, in fact, a lot like meeting people in the dating world; except there are a lot fewer fish in the sea. There are websites like Recon or Fetlife where people can connect online with potential suitors, however those have the success rate of many online connection sites. In the mean time, you can satisfy your need to serve by working with you local leather groups, contests, and charities to serve the larger community. You can also serve your future sir by preparing yourself for his arrival. Learn the things that you like to do, and the things you don’t. Know what your limits are, and how to express yourself to a sir who may be interested.

The best way to approach a sir you wish to serve is to approach from a place of service. Ask what you can do for him, and don’t ask him to do something for you. After some time, if this is the sir that you wish to serve long term, you can let him know that you’re available for a relationship and interested in him in that way. One boy in my life once said to me that he was interested in being a collared boy, but couldn’t imagine himself being collared to anyone but me. He didn’t ask me directly for a collar, but he did let me know that the possibility was there for him. I took that information and did with it what I wanted to do. Remember, if you are rejected by a sir for a collar, it might not have anything to do with you in particular. Sometimes a dominant person may not be interested in starting a new relationship at a particular moment.

Let your friends in the BDSM community know that you are interested in serving a sir. They may know someone whom they can introduce you to. Look for play partners who are into the same things that you are interested in. Sometimes those casual play relationships develop into something deeper over time. Remember that not everyone has sex within their D/s relationships. At the same time remember that some people do, so know what you’re expecting and make sure you know what your potential partner is expecting as well. And yes, just like in the dating world, you may encounter some “misses” before you get a hit.

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March 5, 2014

“When did you know you were attracted to other men? What were some of the most encouraging things that made you feel accepted and loved? I ask because I want to ensure my son grows up feeling accepted because of who he is, no matter what. Ever since he was two, I thought he may be gay, and that feeling has gotten stronger over time. He’s only seven, but instead of chasing after girls and talking about them like many of his classmates, he got in trouble one day for trying to kiss a boy. He talks to me very freely about many topics, but never mentions girls or anything. I don’t want to be stereotypical, but he also exhibits quite a few feminine traits and identifies more with females. He’s incredibly sensitive, and I can see him taking any ridicule he may receive to heart. Additionally, his father is very judgmental and talks about ‘homos’ quite a bit in a derogatory fashion in his household (one of the reasons I’m not with him anymore). I want him to grow up knowing that he is so very loved and accepted because of who he is, not because of what other people may want him to be. At the same time, I don’t want to try to force my perceptions on him, as he is only seven. He could very well be attracted to girls, and I don’t want to confuse him – but at the same time, I want him to know that whichever way he feels is okay with me. I know I first kissed a boy when I was seven, and I would imagine he already knows what gender he is attracted to. Any suggestions and words of wisdom would be much appreciated.”

Your son already has the greatest gift that anyone could ever give to him, in the form of an understanding and loving mother. You love and accept your son whether he grows up to be straight, gay, or something in between, and that is much more than many children have in this world, and for that I thank you. From the bottom of my heart and for gay kids everywhere, Thank you.

Here’s what you can do for your son, to make his coming of age more comfortable. Stop taking in gender binaries when you discuss his future with him. Switch from “The woman you marry” to “the person you marry” and do it for all your kids. This will make him less self conscious about the people he choses to love, because he sees that you have no expectations one way or the other. If you do it for and to all your kids, he’ll figure out that it’s not just him, so he won’t feel self conscious about it and try to figure out why you made the switch. This has the added bonus of ensuring that your other children don’t feel pressured to declare their sexuality one way or the other until they are ready as well. He will feel pressure from outside your home, and there isn’t much you can do about that, so give him some positive gay role models. Let him watch Ellen, or mention in passing that you love how Neil Patrick Harris can play such a womanizing jerk even though he’s gay.

Have “overheard” conversations with friends about something in the news lately dealing with homosexuality in a positive light, did you hear that a state senator in Arizona just came out today in response to the whole “discriminate against the gays” bill the legislature passed the other week? Drop hints around him that you are okay with, and supportive about homosexuality. Don’t do it in an obvious, trying-to-get-your-significant-other-to-buy-you-a-new-phone sort of way; instead just be honest about how you feel when gay issues come up. The less you feel that you have to hide your acceptance, the more he’ll feel accepted. Also, don’t judge him, no matter who he brings home. Resist the urge to pigeon hole him into a role that he might not be ready to accept yet. He might feel pressure from his dad, or teammates, or classmates, or whomever, to have a girlfriend at some point in time. Let him, and let her into your life just like you would if she was a boy.

I would also be remiss if I failed to mention that gay men are not the only ones who exhibit behaviors that are stereotypically feminine. Some transwomen know at an early age that they were born into the wrong gendered body, and start experimenting with traits that they perceive to be typical of the gender they identify with. If you can accept that your son may be gay, I hope that you can also accept the possibility that he might be trans, or somewhere else on the spectrum of gender and sexuality.

To answer your questions about myself, I knew when I was 12. I would appreciate the male form more than the female form and found myself drawn to it. Things that helped me: my father did for me what you are planning on doing for your son. He showed me love and acceptance at every stage in my life. He’s seen me in drag, he’s seen me in leather, he’s seen me with a boyfriend and a husband at the same time and he’s never judged me for any of it. When I was 13 I visited my family in California, and they showed me through casual acceptance that gay was okay, and that’s partially how I came to accept myself.

Finally, no matter who your son ends up loving, and what gender he is when he does it, make sure that he knows to respect himself. He doesn’t have to kiss anyone he doesn’t want to kiss, and he shouldn’t be kissing anyone yet! Make sure he knows how to prevent unwanted pregnancy and STD’s, and that it’s okay to say no if someone pressures him. Judging by your letter, you’re a good parent who was going to do that anyway! And once again, THANK YOU!

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March 3, 2014

“I started hanging out with this straight guy. It started out innocent enough, I just went over to his house to cook for him because he was busy with work, school, and being a father. But we started to get close; he didn’t judge me for my drag, and he let me take care of him. Then he started showering me with gifts and lines got blurred. A phone, an iPod, anything I really wanted. I ended up falling in love with him, not for the gifts, but who he was as a person. But now, every girl I see him with breaks my heart. He knows how I feel, but I find myself pretending to be the “bro,” not really expressing what i feel. I think I need to back away from the whole situation, but how?”

It’s no wonder you fell in love, you met a great guy who takes responsibility, has goals, and is a family man. He treats you with respect, appreciates the things you do for him, shows that appreciation the best way he knows how, and accepts every part of you. What’s not to love? Your brain automatically glossed over the fact that he was straight, and not interested in a sexual or romantic relationship with you. Now the reality of where he likes to stick his dick is right in front of your face and you’re having trouble dealing with it.

We like to fall for people who are completely unavailable, because they are “safe” people to fall for. While the fantasy is going on, we’re not actually risking our hearts for anything or being emotionally vulnerable. When the fantasy starts to break down because it is being challenged by reality, we resist the reality. We attempt to maintain the fantasy, and look for ways to make it possible for the fantasy to become reality. If your friend was bisexual or gay, it might be possible. Unfortunately for you, it’s not possible. You cannot change someone’s sexuality any more than you can change your own, and while “converting the straight boy” is a common theme that is eroticized, it’s very rare in real life. The most you will ever get from him is what you have now, an mutually beneficial relationship that you both enjoy. You may be able to, at some point in time, get him to fuck you; but doing that will put your current relationship with him in jeopardy. He will never see you as, nor act toward you as, a romantic partner.

So, what do you do? Date. Not him, date someone else. Date a few other people. Maintain your strictly platonic, mutually satisfying, non-romantic relationship with your straight friend, and get your romance and sex from someone else. Allow him to get his romance and sex from the people that he is attracted to. Backing away from the whole situation is punishing him for something that he didn’t do. He was a good friend, and you were the one who took the friendship the wrong way. Now you have an obligation to him and your friendship to fix this. Stop objectifying him, not romanticizing him, and just be a friend to him with no ulterior motives. Save those for the hot guy sitting in your audience at your drag show screaming and waving that dollar bill. Chances are, he might willing to get to know you a little bit better out of drag.

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February 28, 2014

“Is Pumping (As in Penis Pump for enlargement) safe? Is it painful? How much can you do, will things return to normal, like a stretched out butt does, or are the effects more permanent? I am hardly a size queen, but to be honest an inch or two more could be gobs of fun, but more for the sensation, (I am hoping), and for bondage \ edge play. As you know, I can never really get quite enough torture, and this is one I have not had a lot of experience with. Once back about 15 years ago, I had one experience, but at the first signs of discomfort, I had the top stop, which now I realize was stupid of me, and today, I would most certainly have continued for at least a time to see what happened next. Thank you for your time, and care with my question.”

I have done some research, and have heard mixed reviews about this practice. The folks who make and sell the pumps say that it’s perfectly safe, and you can do it as much as you want with no permanent damage. Some internet sources claiming to be medical professionals say that it is never safe and there is never a good reason to do it. I think that the safety aspect is somewhere in between. You said that you wanted to use it for edge play, so obviously you know that it’s not 100% safe, but then what in BDSM is?

Unlike a butt hole, the thing you are stretching when you pump is not a muscle. Muscles can be flexible and “retrained” over time to return to their original (or nearly original) shape and size. Pumping, however, uses a vacuum to force blood into the soft spongy tissue of the shaft of the penis at a higher volume and faster than naturally occurs in your body during an erection. Many people who pump keep the blood there by continued use of the vacuum or by using a tight cock ring to prevent the blood from escaping. Any time you draw blood into a part of the body against its natural flow, and hold it there against its will, you are risking damage to your body. There is a potential to burst blood vessels, and bruise your penis; or stretch the cavities in your penis’ soft tissue in such a way that they are impossible to fill naturally again. Many people who have participated in excessive pumping have found that they are unable to get and maintain a natural erection anymore. That’s worse case scenario.

Using moderation when pumping can lead to heightened sexual pleasure. The blood near the surface of your penis will feed the nerve endings there making them more receptive to stimuli, both pleasurable and painful. This means that your BDSM experience and sexual satisfaction of it will be heightened. As long as you are not pumping beyond your physical limitations, or pumping so regularly that all your erections are achieved this way, you should be fine. As far as physical limitations go, the pumping cylinder should fit loosely around your flaccid shaft or snuggly around your erect shaft leaving you room to move and grow but not too much.

Best of luck, and let me know how it goes!

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