January 26, 2015

“I have a question. I’m clean but I haven’t used a condom since 2006? I also have had unprotected sex top/bottom with poz/undetectable guys but none have cum inside of me. And I’ve been tested since sex with them and am still clean. Parts of me are it’s like I’m testing fate. I’m not trying to get HIV but I’m aware of the consequences if I do get it. The types of sex situations I love and the scenes I get into I know leave me more open to get HIV. I guess this isn’t really a question more so than me needing express my mind. I can’t really talk about this thought process to anybody really. There’s a question in all of this but not sure what to ask. When I met a couple and they had invited me back to their place and they were candid about your status. I struggled with my decision. A big part of me wanted to throw caution to the wind and go for it but I didn’t. I guess I’m trying to understand my own thoughts on this. Any advice or just an ear to listen is appreciated. Hope I’m not offending anyone or being stupid in wanting to talk about my thoughts.”

I’m glad you’re clean, I am too. I took a shower this morning, used soap and everything. It’s polite to be clean whenever you have to interact with the public, especially working environments. Now, on the weekends I tend to be very dirty. I let the stink build up under my arms, and sometimes (depending on the time, day, and who I think might be sucking my cock later) I let the stink build up under my foreskin too.

But that’s not what you meant, is it? Most people who use the term clean to describe their HIV status are not aware what they are subconsciously telling those of us who have HIV. Many years ago when diseases were less understood but the fact that they were contagious was understood, those who were infected with a disease would yell out “Unclean” whenever there was another person within hearing range. This would signal to the healthy person to steer clear of the person with the disease and the area they were in, so that they could stay heathy. There was a great deal of social stigma around being labeled “unclean” therefore many people hid their symptoms as long as they could to avoid the label. Unfortunately, people were contagious before they were symptomatic, meaning that they were pretending to be “clean” and spreading the disease to other “clean” people. Once they were discovered to be “unclean” they were cast out of society and left to live in colonies with people similarly afflicted. When you evoke this language in connection with HIV, you are subconsciously telling people who are infected with HIV that you support segregation from the general populous for people infected. At least, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt and believing that you are doing it subconsciously, because there are people who use this language AND agree with the ancient way of dealing with the “unclean.” These people WANT us to go live on an island with everyone else who “deserved to catch it” and leave respectable folks alone, clean and happy. These people are not afraid to share their opinions loudly and publicly. If I had a dollar for every person who told me I was a disgraceful, disease spreader who deserved to die; well, I’d still be writing this column for free, but I would be doing it with much nicer surroundings. You are allying yourself with those people when you use the word “clean” to describe your HIV status.

There are people who tell me “it’s just a word,” I should “grow a thicker skin,” and “not be so sensitive;” or they “don’t mean it like that,” and I should “know what [they] mean.” The problem with those people is that they are giving the bullies permission to continue to bully us, and blaming us for not being able to take it. It’s like the parent who says “if your kid wasn’t a wuss, my kid wouldn’t pick on him,” which isn’t okay in any school of thought, but as soon as the abused person has a disease; it’s open season apparently.

As for the rest of your question: This couple that you turned down was honest enough to tell you that they were positive, but you didn’t think that their honesty extended to sharing whether they were undetectable or not (you didn’t say if they said one way or the other.) You are willing to have sex with people who are positive and undetectable, but you didn’t feel comfortable asking this couple if they fit that description. You’re already not using condoms, and are only afraid of HIV. It sounds to me like you should be taking PrEP and taking control of your own health. That way it won’t matter if the person you are having sex with is positive, negative, undetectable, or thinks that they are negative while actually being newly infected and so full of virus that even their pre-cum is infectious. Yes, you’ve dodged the bullet so far but you can’t keep it up and expect that you’ll stay uninfected, unless you start using some sort of protection. PrEP is classified by the CDC as HIV prevention, so you’ll only be exposing yourself to everything else if you continue with your current condom use; but at least you won’t get HIV.

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January 19, 2015

“I have for years had a deep interest/obsession? with watersports [and man smells, spanking, etc.]. However my experience is limited because it seems to be so hard to find like-minded men. The usual ‘cruising’ web-sites etc. don’t seem to work that well for such specialized desires, nor does the yellow hankie or armband things (I wonder how many gay/bi guys even know about these codes anymore.). Is interest in this kink really so rare? Maybe it is too taboo for most to approach another about. Any suggestions for how & where to meet other pigs (MASCULINE piss tops to be specific)???

“Many of my favorite fantasies involve (forced) drinking, though due to lack of options sometimes my actual experiences have been as giver rather than receiver even though I usually prefer to be submissive sexually. Can you drink too much pee? Also, if ever turned on/mind fucked enough would like to try a big piss enema via a dick up my ass (even having never had any kind of enema before). Of course I am concerned about how it would feel & the safety of it all? The long hoped for ws scenarios & crossover to other kink play are endless…”

If you are not able to find what you’re looking for, with kinks that are so common, I would say that you are not looking hard enough. If you google piss play or water sports, there are several clubs in larger cities that hold get togethers on a regular basis, an others that hold huge events once or twice a year. For the past several years I’ve had the pleasure of attending the Chicago water buddies piss party over IML Weekend in Chicago, a tradition I will have to forgo this year do to other obligations that weekend, but hopefully I can make up for it by going to Wet and Hot, the biggest piss party on the planet, in July.

Every time I wear my yellow hanky out to the bar, I am confronted with at least one person who wants to drink my piss, either straight from the tap or added to his beer bottle. You’re probably doing yourself a disservice limiting yourself to only “MASCULINE piss tops” because when I hear that phrase, a certain body type and personality jumps to mind. Keep in mind that there are many other kinky piss pigs that are willing to get you what you want, some of whom may not meet your strict standards, but are plenty piggy and willing to accommodate your piss dreams.

If you want to get to know other pigs in your area, go on the normal cruising sites and post a gathering that is specifically for piss pigs. Be prepared to supply your guests with plenty of beer, water, and gatorade to help get the party flowing. I would recommend a large and private back yard that can handle all the piss that’s going to flow. Control the guest list by advertising whether or not drugs will be allowed at your event, or whether or not condoms and other safer sex implements will be provided or expected.

The biggest thing that I can recommend to you is that you be proactive in finding those people who share your kink. Wearing a hanky or putting one line in an online profile are all well and good, but they are very passive signals. I recommend approaching people and talking to them, especially if you have reason to believe they share your kink. One of the best pickup lines a person can use on me at a bar: “I like the yellow you’re wearing. Let me know when you need to piss again.”

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December 29, 2014

“I find that the BDSM community that overlaps with the gay male community is predominantly older men (at least, that’s who I see the most). While I’m interested in kink and BDSM, I’m not usually interested in people who are not my age. What do you think is the reason for this?”

Ageism is a very real thing in any community, and it seems more pronounced in the gay leather community. Part of the reason that they gay leather community is so old in the first place is because young people are afraid to join it. One reason for this fear is how their age peers will perceive them, or judged by others. Another reason is because they are looking to play with their age peers, and are judging others in the community. If you are a strong and confident individual, you can join the community, and learn from all those old guys. Some of them have been doing what they do for years, and are pretty damn good at it. Even if they don’t want to fuck you (or you don’t want to fuck them) there is a lot that you can learn from each other.

Once you have skills and contacts within the community, you can bring in the age peers that you want to fuck or play with, and teach them how to be involved in gay male, leather and kink play. Beware, some of your age peers may want to play with and fuck the older men in the gay leather community, and may not want to fuck or play with you. Respect their decision and introduce them to the men that they want to play with. Don’t be one of those dicks that say “If you won’t fuck me, I won’t introduce you to this life.” Once your age peers are in, they’ll bring in the people they know (if they have good, positive, and rewarding experiences) and you’ll have more age peers to play with.

Just remember, that age and experience do not always go hand in hand, that 30 year old that you think is too young to know anything may have been surreptitiously reading kink books when he was in high school, and practicing those skills he read about as soon as he was old enough to get into the clubs. That 45 year old who looks and acts the part to a “T” may be a poser who knows nothing, or simply someone who just started exploring his kinky leather side in the last year. You can never know just by looking at someone, but you can usually tell by talking to someone. If they say something that makes you nervous, trust that instinct!

The other reason that older men are more visible in the gay leather community is because they tend to gather in person to meet, make contacts and play. There is a growing movement among young people to meet online, play privately, and go back to their “normal” lives afterward. Even when the young people are prolific or involved in their community, you don’t often see them “out” at the leather bar. They may be out elsewhere; maybe not wearing their gear, but networking, learning and growing. Increasingly, kink is something that can be done at home with relative comfort, and low risk of arrest or injury. Folks who grew up around computers tend to know how to weed out the dangerous or unstable play partners before they leave their own house. Those that make mistakes, luckily, often live to tell the cautionary tale, and while they may have scars to go with the tale (visible or not) they also have experience that will serve them next time, if they haven’t run for the hills already.

Just remember that everyone has a tale to tell you, and experience that you can learn from. The older guy at the end of the bar may have more wisdom in his pinky than anyone else in your community. That 30 year old, surrounded by boys, may have more experience than you can imagine. There might be a very good reason that those boys like to be around him.

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December 22, 2014

“I have always had an alternative sexuality, and haven’t defined my life based on not liking things I haven’t tried. I fell into a group of kinksters who all shared a specific kink. I tried it out, and embraced the lifestyle as much as I could, but discovered it wasn’t for me. I really like my friends and the people I met through that kink community, but I don’t feel like that lifestyle is for me. How do I say ‘this isn’t my bag’ and reject my identity within that circle without alienating my friends?”

If your identity within that circle is based on a perception of you that is not true, and if you have allowed that perception to continue knowing it’s not true, than you are more or less lying to your friends about who you are. If your friends find out about this lie, they’ll be hurt. This situation gets ugly really fast. My guess is they like you for you, and not necessarily because of a shared kink. If I am wrong, you are going to lose nothing by being honest with people who don’t actually like you for the real you anyway.

So my advice is to be honest with them. Perhaps try it out one at a time, let one of them (whichever one you feel closest to) know that you thought you had this kink, but you were wrong. Ask how you fit into his or her life now that they know that you don’t share their kink. She or he may surprise you. Often, kinky folks like to have friends too. If you’re not freaked out by the kink in question, then it might be beneficial to the kinky person to have a friend they can talk to about their kink, without worrying about whether or not you think they are coming onto you or trying to start a scene. An understanding friend can go a long way, and be one of the most awesome things in the world.

I do not participate in every kink that exists. My husband and I do not even share all our kinks with each other. He does stuff that I don’t like, and I do stuff that he doesn’t like. It’s not the end of our relationship, and we have the type of relationship where we can get our needs met elsewhere. Meanwhile, when his scene goes really well, or not, he knows that he can talk to me afterward to compliment, or complain about, his top.

The biggest thing to remember, when telling someone that their kink is not one that you share, is to be respectful of the fact that it is their kink! Just because it doesn’t work for you, is no reason to make them feel ashamed, guilty, bad, or evil just for having that kink. You can tell them that you’re not into it while completely respecting the fact that they are.

Try saying something like, “I tried double-handed fisting once, and I can see why some people really like it, but it’s not really my thing.” You validate that you’ve experienced it and are not pre-judging a kink, then you validate that other people like it; before you say in a nonjudgmental way that you don’t particularly care for it. If your friends reject you for not sharing their kink at this point, they weren’t really your friends in the first place and were just looking for another hook-up to share their kink with. Accept that fact and move on with your life. If they tell you it’s cool and ask you out to brunch, you know that you have some good friends.

I will warn you, however, you may not be invited to all the events that this group hosts after you reveal that you don’t share their kink. Sometimes people create events specifically around their kink and wish to preserve the energy of that play. Meaning they don’t want uninterested watchers. You have to be okay with that, and accept the new dynamic of that friendship.

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December 15, 2014

“What advice do you have on aftercare for “Dom drop”/ “Top drop,” or Sir Fatigue for someone who only has a play partner (or partners) but is not in a committed relationship? Or whose partner is unavailable for aftercare after a particularly draining play session or scene?”

My advice is to negotiate your scene before your scene. If you are a top that needs aftercare, whether it is for a particular scene or for every scene, then you are responsible for negotiating that aftercare with your play partner. If your partner is unwilling or unable to meet your needs, then you should be unwilling or unable to scene with them. It may take creative thinking in order for you and your play partner to arrive at a mutually satisfying arrangement, but I think that both parties should be obligated to put forth the effort. We train dominants new to the scene that their negotiation should contain the phrase, “And what type of aftercare do you require?” I believe that submissives should be asking their dominants the same question. If the answer is outside the scope of the submissive’s ability, for whatever reason, the submissive should make every reasonable effort to meet the dominant’s needs in another way.

I find it discouraging that we never ever question the need for aftercare for the submissive, or the fact that it is generally expected that the dominate scene partner will provide (or arrange) it. But, as soon as a dominant person says they want or need aftercare, a discussion is started about whether or not this care is needed, whether or not this care is part of the scene, whose responsibly it is to provide or arrange it, and what to do when the submissive in the scene is too physically and emotionally drained after a very intense scene. Don’t misunderstand my meaning; I am completely aware that intense scenes take a physical and emotional toll on the bottoms in those scenes. However, bottoms should take the time to learn and acknowledge how physically and emotionally taxing these scenes can be on the dominate too. Some would argue that the dominant partner typically does more physically during a scene than the submissive does.

I find that, typically, the loudest voices protesting against aftercare for dominants are the submissives who are afraid that they will be asked to do something that they don’t know how to do, or tricked into doing something they are unwilling to do. This is easily solved by developing your skills in negotiation. It is a very important skill to have in our lifestyle for multiple reasons; not the least of which is so that dominants are not able to take advantage of or abuse “free-agent” submissives. I also can’t help but wonder about something. If you are afraid that a dominant person is going to abuse or take advantage of you during negotiation; why are you you still negotiating a scene, where your physical and emotional well-being could very easily be compromised, with that person?

I’ll also let you in on a little known secret about the dominants in our community (as long as you promise never to tell anyone that I told you this): They are human beings; almost like people even, most of them anyway. People tend to have emotions, weaknesses, needs, wants, and desires. Most of the time, the aftercare we require is simple. Sometimes we just need to hold you for a minute, which works out when all you need is to be held for a minute. Other times it might be a massage, or a hot roll in the hay; and I understand if your standing relationships or physical skills don’t allow you to indulge those particular needs. But if you keep in mind that at the end of the day your dominant is human, with the same basic desires and needs as you; you’ll find a way to keep her or him happy enough to hit you with that bull whip again.

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December 8, 2014

“Sir, I have a question for you. What is your view on BB as it pertains to undetectable poz partners with neg partners? We are all adults and all have to make, and own, our own decisions. In your experience and knowledge base do you belief it to be a low incidence of transference or is it just as likely. I have always been pretty steadfast about playing safe with occasional missteps. I grew up during the worst time in history for the virus and have managed to still be negative to this day, a bit surprising honestly. I am more top but also enjoy being a bottom on occasion. I am also at a point in my life that I feel I want to do some of the things I have always held back from out of fear. I am aware it is certainly in ones best personal interest to maintain their health and I surely am not a person who is looking to seroconvert. That said, I have had and will continue to have partners who are positive. Sexuality for me is deeply felt and the barrier created by a condom removes a great deal of that me. I guess I am just looking to you for a bit of sound reasoning. I ultimately make up my mind with all factors considered, but I always like to hear others perspectives.”

My view is that a person should take all possible precaution to keep themselves negative if they wish to remain negative. Just like a person can lie to you about being negative, a person can lie to you about being undetectable. So your first line of defense against contracting HIV is to know you partners and know if and when they are going to lie to you. Recent studies show that a person who has an undetectable viral load has a “near zero” percent chance of transmitting the virus. “Near Zero” is not zero. You need to decide for yourself what risk you are willing to take.

Another thing that you can do for yourself is to talk to your doctor about taking Truvada as PrEP. Studies show that taking Truvada once a day, every day, takes your chances of contracting HIV down toward zero. If you are medicated against catching HIV and your partner is medicated against transmitting HIV, your chances of having a transmission event are as close zero as you can possibly get. There is no foolproof way to prevent transmission, except abstinence. The tools for preventing transmission can be stacked on top of each other to help you prevent transmission events. Condoms are still one tool that can be used to prevent transmission events. Take the smart risks, and educate yourself about what those risks are, and you can continue to live an HIV negative life while enjoying sex and companionship with HIV positive partners and friends. I admire your courage and your desire to know people rather than stigmatize a disease.

If you look at all the options and all the information, and make an informed decision to forgo the condom with your partners who are positive, I say that you are an adult who has every right to make decisions for yourself. No one in the world is authorized to tell you how to live your life, or how to have your sex, expect for yourself.

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December 1, 2014

“As a straight male in a happy monogamous relationship I learned that while I am not poly, that urge to fuck other people never truly goes away. It just has to be kept in perspective and in its place. I am not actually interested in inviting others into the bedroom and I am content keeping fantasy fantasy.

That being said, pornography and masturbation is the greatest. I’ve always found it interesting feeling the difference between what I can do myself and what I ask others for (or they just do themselves!).

What I am wondering is how to bring the masturbation game to the next level. Porn occasionally gets boring, but so does just leaving it to the imagination. Toys are fun every once in a while if you can multitask and even changing up the technique like switching hands or rubbing the perineum can keep it fresh. You can even “test” yourself and play with indulging and denying yourself.

Basically, wanking it is one of the one freedoms every body has and I wonder if I’ve reached my plateau or if there are new ways to keep it alone and interesting. Is this a normal feeling among others, perhaps those not as monogamous or straight as I, but just as hypersexed?”

There are many ways to spice up your masturbation routine. One of which, you have already mentioned, toys. There are masturbatary aids that are specifically designed with the male in mind. Several of these involve a soft rubber, or similar material, hole into which you can insert your penis. Because of the materials involved, it is usually safe to use lube, and ejaculate into the toy, before cleaning it off and putting it away. Check your local sex shop and don’t be afraid to ask for help, or ask questions of the staff working there. Trust me, they’ve heard it all, and you are not going to frighten them with your questions.

It may be possible to engage in mutual masturbation with people outside your relationship with the use of webcams. Talk with your partner and find out if this behavior is considered breaking the rules of your monogamous relationship, and if it is not, delve deeper into the conversation. There are numerous sites that offer services that allow you to broadcast your cam session. Some of them focus on one-on-one interactions between cam users, and some feature you broadcasting, and many people watching. Find out what, if any of the above, your partner is comfortable with you doing. Make sure that whatever boundaries you set with your partner are followed! If you have political or Hollywood aspirations, you may wish to hide your face somehow.

You may also decide to engage in masturbatary games with your partner. For example; challenge your partner to catch you in the act of masturbating, then challenge yourself to not get caught. See how close you can get to getting caught, without actually getting caught. Try various places in your home: The couch, the bathroom, the kitchen, etc. (I am assuming that you have no minor children, yours or otherwise, who live with you and who may be the ones who catch you instead of your partner.) You may also engage in masturbation in the same room as your partner, with or without looking at each other. Race each other to orgasm. Name a silly prize for the winner. (If I come before you, you will take out the trash tomorrow.)

Other options for variation can include altering the porn you watch, switching from visual porn to written erotica, altering the location you use to masturbate in. Are you tired of the shower? Try masturbating in the bed! Do you always do it in front of the computer? Go play in the pool! (The private, back yard swimming pool where no one but your legal-age partner is going to see what you’re doing.) Do you always use your right hand? Try your left!

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

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