Dear Daddy Kenneth,
I have questions on sex-party etiquette. My BF of nearly two years and I both were very slutty before we met. We both had a circle of friend’s who we fucked around with and we both were frequently asked to sex parties and orgies. After two years of monogamy, we are about to return to the playful scene. We live in a large, progressive city, but our gay community is small enough that any well-traveled gay knows at least half the other gay men in this town. We lead some significant gay fundraising activities and volunteer for prominent gay causes.
A close mutual friend of ours is having a birthday party, and it’s been made clear this will end with an orgy. It’s probably going to be less than eight people, all of whom travel in the same social circles. I have a dislike for a couple of the guys coming. I’m not drama-prone or anything, it’s just one has been so pushy about getting in my pants over the years it’s gone from flattering to disrespectful and another is such a twit I prefer to keep him at arm’s length.
Given all this… if I am fooling around (say giving or receiving BJs with a couple guys) and one of these guys I dislike tries to join me, is it uncouth to politely indicate I am not interested in sexual contact with him? Usually at orgies with strangers, I have done this very directly by first giving a gentle touch and shaking my head, and if the guy persists telling him “thank you but I am not interested.” How do I do this here? Or given that it’s a small group do I need to skip this party if I am not open to the free-for all?
Incidentally, my BF is a “radical-love” type, and is appalled that I would not just enjoy the sex regardless of who is giving it at this sort of thing. I wonder if I have to adopt that attitude (“Look, it’s a sex party, who cares which dick delivers?”) or just not attend. I know my BF will be embarrassed if I turn down people at the party – again, small group of people who frequent the same circles. However, I think that is acceptable and understood (I’m never bothered if someone turns down sex with me).
Consent is consent, and non-consent is not consent. Etiquette dictates that anyone who does not have consent should not act as if they do have consent, and once you have made it clear that your consent is not present, everyone should respect that. I am reading between the lines that you are worried about your social status as a result of rejecting a person who moves in the same social circles as you. Well, in order for the other guy to “out” you as having participated in an orgy where you rejected him, he will have to also “out” himself as having participated in the same orgy. The presence of your partner at the orgy should indicate his knowledge and consent to your actions at the orgy. Remember, no one can hold something against you if it’s not a secret.
As for how do you reject someone in a small gathering? Your large gathering method should work just fine; but be aware, by rejecting 1/4 of the participants at this gathering, you may quickly find yourself with no one to play with if they move on to other participants. You may want to wait until the next orgy where you don’t have issues with the participants, or there is a wider pool of participants to chose from.
In regards to your boyfriend, simply tell him that you’re cool with what he does, but you’re not wired the same way. If he loves you, he’ll understand that the two of you are not exactly the same (that would be pretty boring, wouldn’t it?) and let you go about conducting your sex life the way you want.