Monthly Archives: February 2015

February 23, 2015

I am a submissive bottom. I have been with my partner for 6 years, and finally I submitted and signed a contract with him to be his boy/slave. Ive been having this fantasy of him having several guys of his choice fucking me and using me, and him of course pushing their loads in me with his cock. I let him know that I have been having this fantasy, and would be hot if he actually set it up. Any suggestions Sir?

No.

That is assuming that you are informed about, and understand, the ramifications of several guys fucking you without condoms; and you are not pestering your partner into engaging in a scene that he is not interested in being a part of.

To be honest, I really don’t understand the point of your question.

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February 16, 2015

50 Shades is well known for its issues with consent, informed consent, and coercion. I haven’t dabbled much into it, but I haven’t heard any reasons not to call it rapey.

My question, though, is whether there’s any problem with rape fantasies. I’ve certainly had periods where the main thing that gets me off is rape erotica – whether it’s porn or Nifty (if there’s a God, Nifty is probably from Her). Even mass-produced fantasy like a paperback novel or a film that doesn’t even bother to be NC17 is still just a fantasy and not reality.

Do you think there’s a safe zone to allow for rape fantasies without encouraging rape, domestic violence, or unhealthy relationships?

The thing about a rape fantasy is that it is a fantasy. A fantasy rape scene can be played out by role players who wish to act out that scene, for whatever reason, including (so I hear from those who have used this method) recovery from an actual rape. No matter what, though, the rape fantasy scene must always be a fantasy role-play scene. This means that the person who is submitting in the fantasy must give informed, knowledgeable consent before the scene begins or is played out. It also means that the submitting partner has an “out” if the scene becomes something they are no longer comfortable being a part of; usually a safe-word or safe-signal to their dominate partner or partners in the scene. Some very experienced and knowledgeable players may forego the safe word or signal if they’ve been playing with each other long enough to be able to read each other’s body language and have a trust deep enough to not violate each other a psychologically damaging way. I would not recommend this for beginners, however.

The difference between the scene I’m describing, and what I’ve read in and about 50 Shades is that the main female character does not have control at any point in the scenes. The dominate male partner does not give her an “out” nor does he give her the experience of building trust with him to insure that he does not damage her. Fictional characters can withstand this form of assault and abuse without damage, real people cannot. This is one of the reason it’s so important that people who are interested in the BDSM Life do not interpret 50 Shades as a depiction of reality or any sort of manual, and instead recognize it for what it is.

I have seen some wonderful presentations by fantasy role-play rapers and rapees who were happy to share their experience and expertise in these role-play scenarios. Without fail, each one of them describes the pre-negotiation and safe-signals they use. One couple I know uses “alternating body parts” to signal that it is safe to continue. If he grabs her arms or upper body and she struggles against him with her feet, the scene continues. If she struggles with her arms or upper body, he lets her go. If he grabs her feet and she struggles with her arms and upper body, he continues. If she struggles with her feet, he lets her go. By pre-negotiating these signals in advance, he is effectively requesting consent each time, and she is granting it, but their consent negotiation takes place within the framework of the scene. Once the scene begins, she can yell “No” “Stop” and “Please don’t” until she’s blue in the face and tears stream down her cheeks, and nothing she does will change his behavior, unless she says his middle name. This particular couple likes to play rough with each other and if he gets kicked in the shin (or somewhere else) while playing his role, it’s part of the game.

Any BDSM scene has the potential to stir up unintended emotional or psychological issues on the part of either partner, however rape fantasy role-play is one of the most dangerous mine fields we play in, and informed consent is key. It’s also key for the top in the scene who may need to know about any baggage that is being brought into the scene by either partner. A top may think that the scene is really hot, then get into it and suddenly be transported into a headspace that they didn’t expect and find themselves dealing with psychological trauma. So be careful, be mindful, and get consent. The major problem that most people have with 50 Shades is that the main character was not doing those things. He gained consent through manipulation, emotional blackmail, or retrospectively. (“I know I put my penis in you without permission, but you orgasmed like 20 times. Do you have any regrets?” “No” “So I get clemency for the rape then?” “Yes, I love you so much!”) This is a dangerous precedent for men to learn and women to accept. The book even shows another example of another man trying the same tactic and being ostracized for it. (“No no!” “Come on, you know you want it” “No I don’t!” “Just one kiss!” “I hate you so much Jac-, I mean Jose.”) In reality, Ana’s reaction to Jose was correct, and is the same reaction she should have given to Christian when he did the same exact thing. But I digress.

Non-consent can be hot in fantasy with fictional characters who will never suffer the emotional, mental and psychological repercussions of that event. In reality, non-consent can be role-played safely and hotly, but only after consent was achieved willingly and knowingly in advance, and when that consent can be withdrawn without consequences.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!

February 9, 2015

Hey Daddy Kenneth!

My question is regarding whether my sexual “outlook” is healthy.

To explain I must provide you some background info and say that due to circumstances in my life I’ve gained a deep desire to be the best possible partner. Some of this means being experienced and able to please my partner in bed. It’s to the extent that in bed I have very little personal preferences, I typically do whatever the other guy wants. This does not make me submissive however, I use the term “complimentary.” If the guy is a bottom I will top and vice versa. If he likes feet I’ll let him at my feet. If he’s submissive I’ll be dominant. If he wants bareback then I do it. Whatever he likes I try to accommodate (within reason) and fill in the corresponding role within general reason. I “get off” on pleasuring others. But as I say all this the thought comes to my mind whether this “outlook” I have is really all that healthy. I still get consent, I still talk about sex and what is acceptable. I feel like perhaps I shouldn’t be so focused on the other persons pleasure. I’m not sure. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Yes. You have a perfectly healthy sexuality. You please your partner, you please yourself, you partner pleases you, and you’ve negotiated all the ways to make that happen. You get off, your partners gets off, and no one is sitting there at the end thinking “what a selfish lover he was!”

My guess is that you’re feeling insecure because there is societal pressure to “be” something, and be it all the time. You should be a dominate or submissive, you should be a top or a bottom, and you should always, always be a selfish lover! You’ve discovered that it’s not the defined role that makes you happy, but you’re partner’s enjoyment of the encounter that works for you. Run with it, and keep making people (and yourself) happy.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!

February 2, 2015

I’ve been dating someone for a few months and we’ve decided to officially call each boyfriends and tell others we are in a relationship. We’ve had the talk about open vs. monogamous relationships and even though he would prefer a monogamous relationship, he is willing to be in an open relationship at my request. At this point, he’s only asked that I don’t tell him who tops me and has also said that he doesn’t plan to have sex with others. I understand the importance of communication and prioritizing our relationship but I’m wondering what other aspects of an open relationship we should be aware of. I’d like to make things work and so far I think we’re starting with a good foundation but I would like to prevent the open relationship from creating problems. What other things should we talk about when it comes to having sex with other guys but being in a relationship at the same time?

One aspect of an open relationship that you should be aware of is consent. While you may believe you have consent in this relationship, what you actually have is coerced consent. You waited until you had been dating for 6 months and made the decision to become boyfriends and enter into a relationship before you told him that you were not a monogamous person. Because society’s default setting is that people can expect monogamy from their relationship partners, you essentially lied to him about your intentions for six months. This allowing him to become emotionally invested in you, before you turned his own emotions against him and blackmailed him into giving you what you wanted. It could very well have gone the other way if the balance of power favored him in this relationship and monogamy was the order of the day. He could have blackmailed you into being monogamous and you would have been required to comply with his wishes, thereby leaving you sexually unsatisfied or in a position of being a cheater. So, how is your boyfriend going to cheat on you? He’s going to cock-block your attempts at sex with others, he’s going to emotionally manipulate you into forgoing a tryst in order to spend time with him, he will monopolize your time so that you cannot have sex with others, and he will impose more and more restrictions on when and how you can have sex outside of the relationship until you don’t remember if it was okay to get sucked by cheating to suck, or vise versa. The whole time he will be building resentment that he is not enough for you, and you will be building resentment that he isn’t living up to his agreement. Your relationship will self-destruct and you’ll be sitting there asking yourself what happened when you did everything right. Either that, or he’ll build resentment that you’re having more fun then him, and sneak around behind your back, never owning up to sleeping with others. This could cause you to freak out when you find out he’s been lying to you, or cause him so much guilt that he can’t function properly in the relationship. There is a very slim possibility that he will come around to your point of view and you’ll end up in a happy, healthy open relationship. I’m a betting man, and I wouldn’t put money on that possibility.

My advice to you is to not do this again. Next time you start seeing, or dating, someone, before you have “the talk” about being boyfriends, have “the talk” about monogamy. I suggest somewhere between the beginning of the first and end of the third date. Casually mention that you are looking for an open relationship and that sexually you’re not the monogamous type. If he bolts, let him bolt. It’s better to find out that you’re not compatible BEFORE you are both emotionally invested. If he stays, he’s a keeper. When I met my partner 10 years ago, I told him six things about me on the day we met. As we sat in my work parking lot, I told him to think about those things and accept them, or drive away and never come back. Every conflict that him and I have had over the course of our relationship has been in because one or both of us were trying to change one of those six things. Some of those attempted changes have been for the better, some have not; but either way I can look back on that conversation and say, “I told you about this on day one.” It’s a reminder to us both that we accepted each other, warts and all, and entered this relationship with our eyes wide open.

Part of good communication and prioritizing your relationship, is shattering your partner’s false perception of you as early as you can. Don’t let your partner build you up to be something more, or less, than you are. I understand that we all want to put our best foot forward and make a good first impression, but that doesn’t mean that we out and out lie to our perspective partners, and we definitely don’t want them to lie to themselves about us. Where your partner was envisioning weddings, and taking you home to meet mom; he’s now seeing bacchanalian orgies and picturing you and five other men in his bed while he’s at work. If you want to save this situation, the first thing you need to do is go slow. You don’t want to rush out and have sex with the first guy that comes along. Gradually warm your partner up to the fact that eventually you will, but that you are content to be with him, for now. Next, you need to be discreet. Definitely let your sex partner know that you have a partner and that you have permission to play, but don’t play with the barista that serves your partner his coffee every morning, or anyone in your circle of friends. Be honest; if your boyfriend asks you about something you’ve done tell him the truth, even if you think he won’t like it. A little bit of honesty up front, will build a great platform of trust down the line. Likewise, a platform of deceit will destroy that trust and your relationship. If the truth is something that he has asked not to know about, inform him that answering this question will provide him with information he told you to keep from him. Then ask him if he wants you to answer the question. Always make sure he knows that you are both willing to share the information; and respectful of his feelings, and let him decide if which is better for him in the moment. Also remember that no matter what happens later, you cannot take back a lie that’s been told. The best way to avoid any conflict about lying and mistrust, is to avoid lying at all costs. Be respectful of his feelings and his time. Never make a date with a fuck buddy if it breaks a date with your boyfriend. If you already have a date with a fuck buddy and your boyfriend wants to make plans, respectfully decline but then offer an alternative. If you find your dance card too full of tricks to make time for your boyfriend, re-evaluate your choices and priorities. Always leave time to jump in the shower between seeing a trick and seeing your boyfriend.

At some point down the line, you should also apologize to your boyfriend for withholding important information about yourself in the beginning, and admit it was a dick move on your part. That the most important thing to talk about in regards to sex with other people and your relationship, and may be the deciding factor that saves this relationship if it can be saved.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!