December 29, 2014

“I find that the BDSM community that overlaps with the gay male community is predominantly older men (at least, that’s who I see the most). While I’m interested in kink and BDSM, I’m not usually interested in people who are not my age. What do you think is the reason for this?”

Ageism is a very real thing in any community, and it seems more pronounced in the gay leather community. Part of the reason that they gay leather community is so old in the first place is because young people are afraid to join it. One reason for this fear is how their age peers will perceive them, or judged by others. Another reason is because they are looking to play with their age peers, and are judging others in the community. If you are a strong and confident individual, you can join the community, and learn from all those old guys. Some of them have been doing what they do for years, and are pretty damn good at it. Even if they don’t want to fuck you (or you don’t want to fuck them) there is a lot that you can learn from each other.

Once you have skills and contacts within the community, you can bring in the age peers that you want to fuck or play with, and teach them how to be involved in gay male, leather and kink play. Beware, some of your age peers may want to play with and fuck the older men in the gay leather community, and may not want to fuck or play with you. Respect their decision and introduce them to the men that they want to play with. Don’t be one of those dicks that say “If you won’t fuck me, I won’t introduce you to this life.” Once your age peers are in, they’ll bring in the people they know (if they have good, positive, and rewarding experiences) and you’ll have more age peers to play with.

Just remember, that age and experience do not always go hand in hand, that 30 year old that you think is too young to know anything may have been surreptitiously reading kink books when he was in high school, and practicing those skills he read about as soon as he was old enough to get into the clubs. That 45 year old who looks and acts the part to a “T” may be a poser who knows nothing, or simply someone who just started exploring his kinky leather side in the last year. You can never know just by looking at someone, but you can usually tell by talking to someone. If they say something that makes you nervous, trust that instinct!

The other reason that older men are more visible in the gay leather community is because they tend to gather in person to meet, make contacts and play. There is a growing movement among young people to meet online, play privately, and go back to their “normal” lives afterward. Even when the young people are prolific or involved in their community, you don’t often see them “out” at the leather bar. They may be out elsewhere; maybe not wearing their gear, but networking, learning and growing. Increasingly, kink is something that can be done at home with relative comfort, and low risk of arrest or injury. Folks who grew up around computers tend to know how to weed out the dangerous or unstable play partners before they leave their own house. Those that make mistakes, luckily, often live to tell the cautionary tale, and while they may have scars to go with the tale (visible or not) they also have experience that will serve them next time, if they haven’t run for the hills already.

Just remember that everyone has a tale to tell you, and experience that you can learn from. The older guy at the end of the bar may have more wisdom in his pinky than anyone else in your community. That 30 year old, surrounded by boys, may have more experience than you can imagine. There might be a very good reason that those boys like to be around him.

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