December 22, 2014

“I have always had an alternative sexuality, and haven’t defined my life based on not liking things I haven’t tried. I fell into a group of kinksters who all shared a specific kink. I tried it out, and embraced the lifestyle as much as I could, but discovered it wasn’t for me. I really like my friends and the people I met through that kink community, but I don’t feel like that lifestyle is for me. How do I say ‘this isn’t my bag’ and reject my identity within that circle without alienating my friends?”

If your identity within that circle is based on a perception of you that is not true, and if you have allowed that perception to continue knowing it’s not true, than you are more or less lying to your friends about who you are. If your friends find out about this lie, they’ll be hurt. This situation gets ugly really fast. My guess is they like you for you, and not necessarily because of a shared kink. If I am wrong, you are going to lose nothing by being honest with people who don’t actually like you for the real you anyway.

So my advice is to be honest with them. Perhaps try it out one at a time, let one of them (whichever one you feel closest to) know that you thought you had this kink, but you were wrong. Ask how you fit into his or her life now that they know that you don’t share their kink. She or he may surprise you. Often, kinky folks like to have friends too. If you’re not freaked out by the kink in question, then it might be beneficial to the kinky person to have a friend they can talk to about their kink, without worrying about whether or not you think they are coming onto you or trying to start a scene. An understanding friend can go a long way, and be one of the most awesome things in the world.

I do not participate in every kink that exists. My husband and I do not even share all our kinks with each other. He does stuff that I don’t like, and I do stuff that he doesn’t like. It’s not the end of our relationship, and we have the type of relationship where we can get our needs met elsewhere. Meanwhile, when his scene goes really well, or not, he knows that he can talk to me afterward to compliment, or complain about, his top.

The biggest thing to remember, when telling someone that their kink is not one that you share, is to be respectful of the fact that it is their kink! Just because it doesn’t work for you, is no reason to make them feel ashamed, guilty, bad, or evil just for having that kink. You can tell them that you’re not into it while completely respecting the fact that they are.

Try saying something like, “I tried double-handed fisting once, and I can see why some people really like it, but it’s not really my thing.” You validate that you’ve experienced it and are not pre-judging a kink, then you validate that other people like it; before you say in a nonjudgmental way that you don’t particularly care for it. If your friends reject you for not sharing their kink at this point, they weren’t really your friends in the first place and were just looking for another hook-up to share their kink with. Accept that fact and move on with your life. If they tell you it’s cool and ask you out to brunch, you know that you have some good friends.

I will warn you, however, you may not be invited to all the events that this group hosts after you reveal that you don’t share their kink. Sometimes people create events specifically around their kink and wish to preserve the energy of that play. Meaning they don’t want uninterested watchers. You have to be okay with that, and accept the new dynamic of that friendship.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

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