December 15, 2014

“What advice do you have on aftercare for “Dom drop”/ “Top drop,” or Sir Fatigue for someone who only has a play partner (or partners) but is not in a committed relationship? Or whose partner is unavailable for aftercare after a particularly draining play session or scene?”

My advice is to negotiate your scene before your scene. If you are a top that needs aftercare, whether it is for a particular scene or for every scene, then you are responsible for negotiating that aftercare with your play partner. If your partner is unwilling or unable to meet your needs, then you should be unwilling or unable to scene with them. It may take creative thinking in order for you and your play partner to arrive at a mutually satisfying arrangement, but I think that both parties should be obligated to put forth the effort. We train dominants new to the scene that their negotiation should contain the phrase, “And what type of aftercare do you require?” I believe that submissives should be asking their dominants the same question. If the answer is outside the scope of the submissive’s ability, for whatever reason, the submissive should make every reasonable effort to meet the dominant’s needs in another way.

I find it discouraging that we never ever question the need for aftercare for the submissive, or the fact that it is generally expected that the dominate scene partner will provide (or arrange) it. But, as soon as a dominant person says they want or need aftercare, a discussion is started about whether or not this care is needed, whether or not this care is part of the scene, whose responsibly it is to provide or arrange it, and what to do when the submissive in the scene is too physically and emotionally drained after a very intense scene. Don’t misunderstand my meaning; I am completely aware that intense scenes take a physical and emotional toll on the bottoms in those scenes. However, bottoms should take the time to learn and acknowledge how physically and emotionally taxing these scenes can be on the dominate too. Some would argue that the dominant partner typically does more physically during a scene than the submissive does.

I find that, typically, the loudest voices protesting against aftercare for dominants are the submissives who are afraid that they will be asked to do something that they don’t know how to do, or tricked into doing something they are unwilling to do. This is easily solved by developing your skills in negotiation. It is a very important skill to have in our lifestyle for multiple reasons; not the least of which is so that dominants are not able to take advantage of or abuse “free-agent” submissives. I also can’t help but wonder about something. If you are afraid that a dominant person is going to abuse or take advantage of you during negotiation; why are you you still negotiating a scene, where your physical and emotional well-being could very easily be compromised, with that person?

I’ll also let you in on a little known secret about the dominants in our community (as long as you promise never to tell anyone that I told you this): They are human beings; almost like people even, most of them anyway. People tend to have emotions, weaknesses, needs, wants, and desires. Most of the time, the aftercare we require is simple. Sometimes we just need to hold you for a minute, which works out when all you need is to be held for a minute. Other times it might be a massage, or a hot roll in the hay; and I understand if your standing relationships or physical skills don’t allow you to indulge those particular needs. But if you keep in mind that at the end of the day your dominant is human, with the same basic desires and needs as you; you’ll find a way to keep her or him happy enough to hit you with that bull whip again.

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