Monthly Archives: December 2014

December 29, 2014

“I find that the BDSM community that overlaps with the gay male community is predominantly older men (at least, that’s who I see the most). While I’m interested in kink and BDSM, I’m not usually interested in people who are not my age. What do you think is the reason for this?”

Ageism is a very real thing in any community, and it seems more pronounced in the gay leather community. Part of the reason that they gay leather community is so old in the first place is because young people are afraid to join it. One reason for this fear is how their age peers will perceive them, or judged by others. Another reason is because they are looking to play with their age peers, and are judging others in the community. If you are a strong and confident individual, you can join the community, and learn from all those old guys. Some of them have been doing what they do for years, and are pretty damn good at it. Even if they don’t want to fuck you (or you don’t want to fuck them) there is a lot that you can learn from each other.

Once you have skills and contacts within the community, you can bring in the age peers that you want to fuck or play with, and teach them how to be involved in gay male, leather and kink play. Beware, some of your age peers may want to play with and fuck the older men in the gay leather community, and may not want to fuck or play with you. Respect their decision and introduce them to the men that they want to play with. Don’t be one of those dicks that say “If you won’t fuck me, I won’t introduce you to this life.” Once your age peers are in, they’ll bring in the people they know (if they have good, positive, and rewarding experiences) and you’ll have more age peers to play with.

Just remember, that age and experience do not always go hand in hand, that 30 year old that you think is too young to know anything may have been surreptitiously reading kink books when he was in high school, and practicing those skills he read about as soon as he was old enough to get into the clubs. That 45 year old who looks and acts the part to a “T” may be a poser who knows nothing, or simply someone who just started exploring his kinky leather side in the last year. You can never know just by looking at someone, but you can usually tell by talking to someone. If they say something that makes you nervous, trust that instinct!

The other reason that older men are more visible in the gay leather community is because they tend to gather in person to meet, make contacts and play. There is a growing movement among young people to meet online, play privately, and go back to their “normal” lives afterward. Even when the young people are prolific or involved in their community, you don’t often see them “out” at the leather bar. They may be out elsewhere; maybe not wearing their gear, but networking, learning and growing. Increasingly, kink is something that can be done at home with relative comfort, and low risk of arrest or injury. Folks who grew up around computers tend to know how to weed out the dangerous or unstable play partners before they leave their own house. Those that make mistakes, luckily, often live to tell the cautionary tale, and while they may have scars to go with the tale (visible or not) they also have experience that will serve them next time, if they haven’t run for the hills already.

Just remember that everyone has a tale to tell you, and experience that you can learn from. The older guy at the end of the bar may have more wisdom in his pinky than anyone else in your community. That 30 year old, surrounded by boys, may have more experience than you can imagine. There might be a very good reason that those boys like to be around him.

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December 22, 2014

“I have always had an alternative sexuality, and haven’t defined my life based on not liking things I haven’t tried. I fell into a group of kinksters who all shared a specific kink. I tried it out, and embraced the lifestyle as much as I could, but discovered it wasn’t for me. I really like my friends and the people I met through that kink community, but I don’t feel like that lifestyle is for me. How do I say ‘this isn’t my bag’ and reject my identity within that circle without alienating my friends?”

If your identity within that circle is based on a perception of you that is not true, and if you have allowed that perception to continue knowing it’s not true, than you are more or less lying to your friends about who you are. If your friends find out about this lie, they’ll be hurt. This situation gets ugly really fast. My guess is they like you for you, and not necessarily because of a shared kink. If I am wrong, you are going to lose nothing by being honest with people who don’t actually like you for the real you anyway.

So my advice is to be honest with them. Perhaps try it out one at a time, let one of them (whichever one you feel closest to) know that you thought you had this kink, but you were wrong. Ask how you fit into his or her life now that they know that you don’t share their kink. She or he may surprise you. Often, kinky folks like to have friends too. If you’re not freaked out by the kink in question, then it might be beneficial to the kinky person to have a friend they can talk to about their kink, without worrying about whether or not you think they are coming onto you or trying to start a scene. An understanding friend can go a long way, and be one of the most awesome things in the world.

I do not participate in every kink that exists. My husband and I do not even share all our kinks with each other. He does stuff that I don’t like, and I do stuff that he doesn’t like. It’s not the end of our relationship, and we have the type of relationship where we can get our needs met elsewhere. Meanwhile, when his scene goes really well, or not, he knows that he can talk to me afterward to compliment, or complain about, his top.

The biggest thing to remember, when telling someone that their kink is not one that you share, is to be respectful of the fact that it is their kink! Just because it doesn’t work for you, is no reason to make them feel ashamed, guilty, bad, or evil just for having that kink. You can tell them that you’re not into it while completely respecting the fact that they are.

Try saying something like, “I tried double-handed fisting once, and I can see why some people really like it, but it’s not really my thing.” You validate that you’ve experienced it and are not pre-judging a kink, then you validate that other people like it; before you say in a nonjudgmental way that you don’t particularly care for it. If your friends reject you for not sharing their kink at this point, they weren’t really your friends in the first place and were just looking for another hook-up to share their kink with. Accept that fact and move on with your life. If they tell you it’s cool and ask you out to brunch, you know that you have some good friends.

I will warn you, however, you may not be invited to all the events that this group hosts after you reveal that you don’t share their kink. Sometimes people create events specifically around their kink and wish to preserve the energy of that play. Meaning they don’t want uninterested watchers. You have to be okay with that, and accept the new dynamic of that friendship.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!

December 15, 2014

“What advice do you have on aftercare for “Dom drop”/ “Top drop,” or Sir Fatigue for someone who only has a play partner (or partners) but is not in a committed relationship? Or whose partner is unavailable for aftercare after a particularly draining play session or scene?”

My advice is to negotiate your scene before your scene. If you are a top that needs aftercare, whether it is for a particular scene or for every scene, then you are responsible for negotiating that aftercare with your play partner. If your partner is unwilling or unable to meet your needs, then you should be unwilling or unable to scene with them. It may take creative thinking in order for you and your play partner to arrive at a mutually satisfying arrangement, but I think that both parties should be obligated to put forth the effort. We train dominants new to the scene that their negotiation should contain the phrase, “And what type of aftercare do you require?” I believe that submissives should be asking their dominants the same question. If the answer is outside the scope of the submissive’s ability, for whatever reason, the submissive should make every reasonable effort to meet the dominant’s needs in another way.

I find it discouraging that we never ever question the need for aftercare for the submissive, or the fact that it is generally expected that the dominate scene partner will provide (or arrange) it. But, as soon as a dominant person says they want or need aftercare, a discussion is started about whether or not this care is needed, whether or not this care is part of the scene, whose responsibly it is to provide or arrange it, and what to do when the submissive in the scene is too physically and emotionally drained after a very intense scene. Don’t misunderstand my meaning; I am completely aware that intense scenes take a physical and emotional toll on the bottoms in those scenes. However, bottoms should take the time to learn and acknowledge how physically and emotionally taxing these scenes can be on the dominate too. Some would argue that the dominant partner typically does more physically during a scene than the submissive does.

I find that, typically, the loudest voices protesting against aftercare for dominants are the submissives who are afraid that they will be asked to do something that they don’t know how to do, or tricked into doing something they are unwilling to do. This is easily solved by developing your skills in negotiation. It is a very important skill to have in our lifestyle for multiple reasons; not the least of which is so that dominants are not able to take advantage of or abuse “free-agent” submissives. I also can’t help but wonder about something. If you are afraid that a dominant person is going to abuse or take advantage of you during negotiation; why are you you still negotiating a scene, where your physical and emotional well-being could very easily be compromised, with that person?

I’ll also let you in on a little known secret about the dominants in our community (as long as you promise never to tell anyone that I told you this): They are human beings; almost like people even, most of them anyway. People tend to have emotions, weaknesses, needs, wants, and desires. Most of the time, the aftercare we require is simple. Sometimes we just need to hold you for a minute, which works out when all you need is to be held for a minute. Other times it might be a massage, or a hot roll in the hay; and I understand if your standing relationships or physical skills don’t allow you to indulge those particular needs. But if you keep in mind that at the end of the day your dominant is human, with the same basic desires and needs as you; you’ll find a way to keep her or him happy enough to hit you with that bull whip again.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!

December 8, 2014

“Sir, I have a question for you. What is your view on BB as it pertains to undetectable poz partners with neg partners? We are all adults and all have to make, and own, our own decisions. In your experience and knowledge base do you belief it to be a low incidence of transference or is it just as likely. I have always been pretty steadfast about playing safe with occasional missteps. I grew up during the worst time in history for the virus and have managed to still be negative to this day, a bit surprising honestly. I am more top but also enjoy being a bottom on occasion. I am also at a point in my life that I feel I want to do some of the things I have always held back from out of fear. I am aware it is certainly in ones best personal interest to maintain their health and I surely am not a person who is looking to seroconvert. That said, I have had and will continue to have partners who are positive. Sexuality for me is deeply felt and the barrier created by a condom removes a great deal of that me. I guess I am just looking to you for a bit of sound reasoning. I ultimately make up my mind with all factors considered, but I always like to hear others perspectives.”

My view is that a person should take all possible precaution to keep themselves negative if they wish to remain negative. Just like a person can lie to you about being negative, a person can lie to you about being undetectable. So your first line of defense against contracting HIV is to know you partners and know if and when they are going to lie to you. Recent studies show that a person who has an undetectable viral load has a “near zero” percent chance of transmitting the virus. “Near Zero” is not zero. You need to decide for yourself what risk you are willing to take.

Another thing that you can do for yourself is to talk to your doctor about taking Truvada as PrEP. Studies show that taking Truvada once a day, every day, takes your chances of contracting HIV down toward zero. If you are medicated against catching HIV and your partner is medicated against transmitting HIV, your chances of having a transmission event are as close zero as you can possibly get. There is no foolproof way to prevent transmission, except abstinence. The tools for preventing transmission can be stacked on top of each other to help you prevent transmission events. Condoms are still one tool that can be used to prevent transmission events. Take the smart risks, and educate yourself about what those risks are, and you can continue to live an HIV negative life while enjoying sex and companionship with HIV positive partners and friends. I admire your courage and your desire to know people rather than stigmatize a disease.

If you look at all the options and all the information, and make an informed decision to forgo the condom with your partners who are positive, I say that you are an adult who has every right to make decisions for yourself. No one in the world is authorized to tell you how to live your life, or how to have your sex, expect for yourself.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!

December 1, 2014

“As a straight male in a happy monogamous relationship I learned that while I am not poly, that urge to fuck other people never truly goes away. It just has to be kept in perspective and in its place. I am not actually interested in inviting others into the bedroom and I am content keeping fantasy fantasy.

That being said, pornography and masturbation is the greatest. I’ve always found it interesting feeling the difference between what I can do myself and what I ask others for (or they just do themselves!).

What I am wondering is how to bring the masturbation game to the next level. Porn occasionally gets boring, but so does just leaving it to the imagination. Toys are fun every once in a while if you can multitask and even changing up the technique like switching hands or rubbing the perineum can keep it fresh. You can even “test” yourself and play with indulging and denying yourself.

Basically, wanking it is one of the one freedoms every body has and I wonder if I’ve reached my plateau or if there are new ways to keep it alone and interesting. Is this a normal feeling among others, perhaps those not as monogamous or straight as I, but just as hypersexed?”

There are many ways to spice up your masturbation routine. One of which, you have already mentioned, toys. There are masturbatary aids that are specifically designed with the male in mind. Several of these involve a soft rubber, or similar material, hole into which you can insert your penis. Because of the materials involved, it is usually safe to use lube, and ejaculate into the toy, before cleaning it off and putting it away. Check your local sex shop and don’t be afraid to ask for help, or ask questions of the staff working there. Trust me, they’ve heard it all, and you are not going to frighten them with your questions.

It may be possible to engage in mutual masturbation with people outside your relationship with the use of webcams. Talk with your partner and find out if this behavior is considered breaking the rules of your monogamous relationship, and if it is not, delve deeper into the conversation. There are numerous sites that offer services that allow you to broadcast your cam session. Some of them focus on one-on-one interactions between cam users, and some feature you broadcasting, and many people watching. Find out what, if any of the above, your partner is comfortable with you doing. Make sure that whatever boundaries you set with your partner are followed! If you have political or Hollywood aspirations, you may wish to hide your face somehow.

You may also decide to engage in masturbatary games with your partner. For example; challenge your partner to catch you in the act of masturbating, then challenge yourself to not get caught. See how close you can get to getting caught, without actually getting caught. Try various places in your home: The couch, the bathroom, the kitchen, etc. (I am assuming that you have no minor children, yours or otherwise, who live with you and who may be the ones who catch you instead of your partner.) You may also engage in masturbation in the same room as your partner, with or without looking at each other. Race each other to orgasm. Name a silly prize for the winner. (If I come before you, you will take out the trash tomorrow.)

Other options for variation can include altering the porn you watch, switching from visual porn to written erotica, altering the location you use to masturbate in. Are you tired of the shower? Try masturbating in the bed! Do you always do it in front of the computer? Go play in the pool! (The private, back yard swimming pool where no one but your legal-age partner is going to see what you’re doing.) Do you always use your right hand? Try your left!

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!