March 3, 2014

“I started hanging out with this straight guy. It started out innocent enough, I just went over to his house to cook for him because he was busy with work, school, and being a father. But we started to get close; he didn’t judge me for my drag, and he let me take care of him. Then he started showering me with gifts and lines got blurred. A phone, an iPod, anything I really wanted. I ended up falling in love with him, not for the gifts, but who he was as a person. But now, every girl I see him with breaks my heart. He knows how I feel, but I find myself pretending to be the “bro,” not really expressing what i feel. I think I need to back away from the whole situation, but how?”

It’s no wonder you fell in love, you met a great guy who takes responsibility, has goals, and is a family man. He treats you with respect, appreciates the things you do for him, shows that appreciation the best way he knows how, and accepts every part of you. What’s not to love? Your brain automatically glossed over the fact that he was straight, and not interested in a sexual or romantic relationship with you. Now the reality of where he likes to stick his dick is right in front of your face and you’re having trouble dealing with it.

We like to fall for people who are completely unavailable, because they are “safe” people to fall for. While the fantasy is going on, we’re not actually risking our hearts for anything or being emotionally vulnerable. When the fantasy starts to break down because it is being challenged by reality, we resist the reality. We attempt to maintain the fantasy, and look for ways to make it possible for the fantasy to become reality. If your friend was bisexual or gay, it might be possible. Unfortunately for you, it’s not possible. You cannot change someone’s sexuality any more than you can change your own, and while “converting the straight boy” is a common theme that is eroticized, it’s very rare in real life. The most you will ever get from him is what you have now, an mutually beneficial relationship that you both enjoy. You may be able to, at some point in time, get him to fuck you; but doing that will put your current relationship with him in jeopardy. He will never see you as, nor act toward you as, a romantic partner.

So, what do you do? Date. Not him, date someone else. Date a few other people. Maintain your strictly platonic, mutually satisfying, non-romantic relationship with your straight friend, and get your romance and sex from someone else. Allow him to get his romance and sex from the people that he is attracted to. Backing away from the whole situation is punishing him for something that he didn’t do. He was a good friend, and you were the one who took the friendship the wrong way. Now you have an obligation to him and your friendship to fix this. Stop objectifying him, not romanticizing him, and just be a friend to him with no ulterior motives. Save those for the hot guy sitting in your audience at your drag show screaming and waving that dollar bill. Chances are, he might willing to get to know you a little bit better out of drag.

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