Monthly Archives: March 2014

March 7, 2014

“As a newly self-discovered boy, I am very eager to serve. I would love to find a Sir and hope to one day earn his collar. But how to find one? Is it rude to approach a Sir and ask to be his boy? Are there any resources available to help with pairing boys and Sirs? Or is it basically just like dating, with many ‘misses’ before you find the right one?”

Meeting people in the BSDM/Leather world is, in fact, a lot like meeting people in the dating world; except there are a lot fewer fish in the sea. There are websites like Recon or Fetlife where people can connect online with potential suitors, however those have the success rate of many online connection sites. In the mean time, you can satisfy your need to serve by working with you local leather groups, contests, and charities to serve the larger community. You can also serve your future sir by preparing yourself for his arrival. Learn the things that you like to do, and the things you don’t. Know what your limits are, and how to express yourself to a sir who may be interested.

The best way to approach a sir you wish to serve is to approach from a place of service. Ask what you can do for him, and don’t ask him to do something for you. After some time, if this is the sir that you wish to serve long term, you can let him know that you’re available for a relationship and interested in him in that way. One boy in my life once said to me that he was interested in being a collared boy, but couldn’t imagine himself being collared to anyone but me. He didn’t ask me directly for a collar, but he did let me know that the possibility was there for him. I took that information and did with it what I wanted to do. Remember, if you are rejected by a sir for a collar, it might not have anything to do with you in particular. Sometimes a dominant person may not be interested in starting a new relationship at a particular moment.

Let your friends in the BDSM community know that you are interested in serving a sir. They may know someone whom they can introduce you to. Look for play partners who are into the same things that you are interested in. Sometimes those casual play relationships develop into something deeper over time. Remember that not everyone has sex within their D/s relationships. At the same time remember that some people do, so know what you’re expecting and make sure you know what your potential partner is expecting as well. And yes, just like in the dating world, you may encounter some “misses” before you get a hit.

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March 5, 2014

“When did you know you were attracted to other men? What were some of the most encouraging things that made you feel accepted and loved? I ask because I want to ensure my son grows up feeling accepted because of who he is, no matter what. Ever since he was two, I thought he may be gay, and that feeling has gotten stronger over time. He’s only seven, but instead of chasing after girls and talking about them like many of his classmates, he got in trouble one day for trying to kiss a boy. He talks to me very freely about many topics, but never mentions girls or anything. I don’t want to be stereotypical, but he also exhibits quite a few feminine traits and identifies more with females. He’s incredibly sensitive, and I can see him taking any ridicule he may receive to heart. Additionally, his father is very judgmental and talks about ‘homos’ quite a bit in a derogatory fashion in his household (one of the reasons I’m not with him anymore). I want him to grow up knowing that he is so very loved and accepted because of who he is, not because of what other people may want him to be. At the same time, I don’t want to try to force my perceptions on him, as he is only seven. He could very well be attracted to girls, and I don’t want to confuse him – but at the same time, I want him to know that whichever way he feels is okay with me. I know I first kissed a boy when I was seven, and I would imagine he already knows what gender he is attracted to. Any suggestions and words of wisdom would be much appreciated.”

Your son already has the greatest gift that anyone could ever give to him, in the form of an understanding and loving mother. You love and accept your son whether he grows up to be straight, gay, or something in between, and that is much more than many children have in this world, and for that I thank you. From the bottom of my heart and for gay kids everywhere, Thank you.

Here’s what you can do for your son, to make his coming of age more comfortable. Stop taking in gender binaries when you discuss his future with him. Switch from “The woman you marry” to “the person you marry” and do it for all your kids. This will make him less self conscious about the people he choses to love, because he sees that you have no expectations one way or the other. If you do it for and to all your kids, he’ll figure out that it’s not just him, so he won’t feel self conscious about it and try to figure out why you made the switch. This has the added bonus of ensuring that your other children don’t feel pressured to declare their sexuality one way or the other until they are ready as well. He will feel pressure from outside your home, and there isn’t much you can do about that, so give him some positive gay role models. Let him watch Ellen, or mention in passing that you love how Neil Patrick Harris can play such a womanizing jerk even though he’s gay.

Have “overheard” conversations with friends about something in the news lately dealing with homosexuality in a positive light, did you hear that a state senator in Arizona just came out today in response to the whole “discriminate against the gays” bill the legislature passed the other week? Drop hints around him that you are okay with, and supportive about homosexuality. Don’t do it in an obvious, trying-to-get-your-significant-other-to-buy-you-a-new-phone sort of way; instead just be honest about how you feel when gay issues come up. The less you feel that you have to hide your acceptance, the more he’ll feel accepted. Also, don’t judge him, no matter who he brings home. Resist the urge to pigeon hole him into a role that he might not be ready to accept yet. He might feel pressure from his dad, or teammates, or classmates, or whomever, to have a girlfriend at some point in time. Let him, and let her into your life just like you would if she was a boy.

I would also be remiss if I failed to mention that gay men are not the only ones who exhibit behaviors that are stereotypically feminine. Some transwomen know at an early age that they were born into the wrong gendered body, and start experimenting with traits that they perceive to be typical of the gender they identify with. If you can accept that your son may be gay, I hope that you can also accept the possibility that he might be trans, or somewhere else on the spectrum of gender and sexuality.

To answer your questions about myself, I knew when I was 12. I would appreciate the male form more than the female form and found myself drawn to it. Things that helped me: my father did for me what you are planning on doing for your son. He showed me love and acceptance at every stage in my life. He’s seen me in drag, he’s seen me in leather, he’s seen me with a boyfriend and a husband at the same time and he’s never judged me for any of it. When I was 13 I visited my family in California, and they showed me through casual acceptance that gay was okay, and that’s partially how I came to accept myself.

Finally, no matter who your son ends up loving, and what gender he is when he does it, make sure that he knows to respect himself. He doesn’t have to kiss anyone he doesn’t want to kiss, and he shouldn’t be kissing anyone yet! Make sure he knows how to prevent unwanted pregnancy and STD’s, and that it’s okay to say no if someone pressures him. Judging by your letter, you’re a good parent who was going to do that anyway! And once again, THANK YOU!

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!

March 3, 2014

“I started hanging out with this straight guy. It started out innocent enough, I just went over to his house to cook for him because he was busy with work, school, and being a father. But we started to get close; he didn’t judge me for my drag, and he let me take care of him. Then he started showering me with gifts and lines got blurred. A phone, an iPod, anything I really wanted. I ended up falling in love with him, not for the gifts, but who he was as a person. But now, every girl I see him with breaks my heart. He knows how I feel, but I find myself pretending to be the “bro,” not really expressing what i feel. I think I need to back away from the whole situation, but how?”

It’s no wonder you fell in love, you met a great guy who takes responsibility, has goals, and is a family man. He treats you with respect, appreciates the things you do for him, shows that appreciation the best way he knows how, and accepts every part of you. What’s not to love? Your brain automatically glossed over the fact that he was straight, and not interested in a sexual or romantic relationship with you. Now the reality of where he likes to stick his dick is right in front of your face and you’re having trouble dealing with it.

We like to fall for people who are completely unavailable, because they are “safe” people to fall for. While the fantasy is going on, we’re not actually risking our hearts for anything or being emotionally vulnerable. When the fantasy starts to break down because it is being challenged by reality, we resist the reality. We attempt to maintain the fantasy, and look for ways to make it possible for the fantasy to become reality. If your friend was bisexual or gay, it might be possible. Unfortunately for you, it’s not possible. You cannot change someone’s sexuality any more than you can change your own, and while “converting the straight boy” is a common theme that is eroticized, it’s very rare in real life. The most you will ever get from him is what you have now, an mutually beneficial relationship that you both enjoy. You may be able to, at some point in time, get him to fuck you; but doing that will put your current relationship with him in jeopardy. He will never see you as, nor act toward you as, a romantic partner.

So, what do you do? Date. Not him, date someone else. Date a few other people. Maintain your strictly platonic, mutually satisfying, non-romantic relationship with your straight friend, and get your romance and sex from someone else. Allow him to get his romance and sex from the people that he is attracted to. Backing away from the whole situation is punishing him for something that he didn’t do. He was a good friend, and you were the one who took the friendship the wrong way. Now you have an obligation to him and your friendship to fix this. Stop objectifying him, not romanticizing him, and just be a friend to him with no ulterior motives. Save those for the hot guy sitting in your audience at your drag show screaming and waving that dollar bill. Chances are, he might willing to get to know you a little bit better out of drag.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!