Monthly Archives: February 2014

February 12, 2014

“Dear Daddy,

“I am HIV negative, I always use condoms, I always ask my partners HIV status before playing and I never have any kind of sex with anyone whom I know to be positive. While I love exploring the kink community, it seems that many participants are HIV positive. As a result, I feel there is an expectation that you must be poz-friendly to play. I’m very open to playing and exploring, but all too-often i have to draw the line at sex and some have accused me of being poz-phobic. I want to find a place in the kink community, but I fear I’ll be shunned for ‘not playing well with others.’ “

Daddy Kenneth Every person has a right, and responsibility, to protect themselves from HIV using whatever means they are comfortable using. Sero-sorting (having sex with someone who’s HIV status matches your own) and condom use are two methods of protecting yourself from sero-conversion. Using both these methods in conjunction with each other makes sex safer for yourself. There is nothing inherently poz-phobic about protecting yourself. That said, there are poz-phobic ways of telling someone that you are not going to have sex with them because they are positive. Phrases like “I only have sex with guys who are clean” imply that positive people are dirty somehow. Telling others that someone is positive after they have been responsible people and disclosed to you is pretty rude as well. Equating HIV and STI’s with drug use by using phrases like “DDF” is another way to stigmatize positive people. So long as you are not doing those things, and are treating positive people as people first; I think you can safely say you are poz-friendly, without having sex with positive men.

All of that said, merely asking someone if they are negative does not guarantee that you’ll get an honest answer. A better question to ask a potential sex partner is “When was your last HIV test, and what was the result?” Every sexually active person should know the answer to this question, and you can gauge the potential risk to yourself based on their answer. It’s also easier to tell with this question if someone is lying because it asks them for specific information, not a multiple choice option.

There are also other things to consider when vetting potential sex partners. Having barrier-protected sex with a positive person who has a medication-controlled low or suppressed viral load is safer than having barrier-protected sex with a person who has recently converted and has a high viral load. Reacting poorly to an honest answer that is not the one you prefer means that person might reconsider being honest next time he’s asked that question. Talk about a vicious cycle, if negative guys treat positive guys like shit when they’re honest, they are not going to be honest, which is a pretty shitty thing for a positive person to do. Always remember that positive people are people first, and should be treated as such.

As for playing in the kink community; it does not necessarily mean penetrative sex. When negotiating with potential play partners, you can take penetrative sex off the table right away and then lay out the kinky stuff you’re into. Many people will be willing to play within your limits, and those that are not will let you know during negotiation. So long as you are respectful about your approach, you should be respected in return. You can get flogged, tied up, blindfolded, electrocuted, punched, spanked, and mummified without ever being penetrated. Some folks in the kink community specifically look kinky partners that they can play with without having penetrative sex, because they have a partner at home who’s not kinky; they may get their kink on with you, and get their sex on with him. Much of what we do can be done without breaking the skin or penetrating an orifice. Stay true to yourself, and expand your limits without crossing lines that make you uncomfortable, and you will soon be known as someone who plays well with others, but has reasonable limits.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

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February 10, 2014

“Hey there. I’m 47, in great shape by going to the gym and playing hockey. My health is excellent (I’m HIV negative). I’ve got a tenured job and I’m financially miles ahead of people my age. I’ve been told countless times that I’m a great looking guy, well-read and educated and such.”

“The big problem is that I don’t seem to be able to attract another guy for anything meaningful or long lasting. I’ve had my share of one night stands but that is getting pretty stale with me.”

“Why can’t I get a man for me?”

I have found that sometimes people want boyfriends, but they are not willing to be a boyfriend. Networking consultants will tell you that the most interesting people you will meet at a networking event are those people who ask you about yourself, and forget to tell you about themselves unless asked. If you start off every date by telling your date about yourself the way you told me about yourself, you may be inadvertently turning a potential suitor off. He may see you as selfish, conceited and uninteresting. Make sure that you are asking him about his life, his interests, and his goals.

While you are out dating, don’t discount the people whose health may be outside your definition of “excellent.” There are very wonderful men in the world who happen to be HIV-positive who are very dateable. Research shows that a person living with HIV today, and taking care of his health, has an average life expectancy which matches a person living without HIV. Advances in treatments and prevention can be utilized to keep your health “excellent” even while engaging in barrier-protected sex with your sero-discordant mate. Furthermore, don’t rule out your one night stands as undateable. Just because someone is willing to go home with you and sleep with you the day he met you, does not mean that there is something wrong with, or undesirable about, him as a person.

Be willing to date. Many people have a list of qualifications they expect their mates to meet. Make sure that your standards are not impossibly high, then narrow down your choices in the dating process. Many people believe that you should only go on a first date with the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, and conversely, you should be willing to spend the rest of your life with someone you go on one date with. I disagree. I think you should go on many first dates; as many as you can reasonably go on. If you like a guy, go on a second date, and a third or fourth. Make sure you tell him (on the second or third date) that you are dating other people too. This way when the two of you are ready to “get serious” he can take the other people that you are dating into consideration. At the same time, refrain from comparing the people you are dating, at least out loud. This includes gossip with your friends, trust me, they will be making their own judgements; and anything you say out loud is something the universe can smack you upside the head with later.

Look for dateable men where you are. When I was a stripper, it was not uncommon for a man to ask me how he could see me outside of work. My common response was, “be where I am.” I was not telling guys to stalk me; I was merely saying that if we had common interests, we would run into each other in our day-to-day lives. If there are no dateable men when you are, go somewhere else. But make sure that you’re not going somewhere that you are uncomfortable, just to find a mate, because chances are if he met you there, he’ll want to go back there with you at some point in time.

Above all else, getting a man for yourself involves being a man for someone else. Find out what that means to him, and whether you are willing to do it.

Send me your questions for “Ask Daddy” and I’ll give my best answer in a future column.