Monthly Archives: February 2014

February 28, 2014

“Is Pumping (As in Penis Pump for enlargement) safe? Is it painful? How much can you do, will things return to normal, like a stretched out butt does, or are the effects more permanent? I am hardly a size queen, but to be honest an inch or two more could be gobs of fun, but more for the sensation, (I am hoping), and for bondage \ edge play. As you know, I can never really get quite enough torture, and this is one I have not had a lot of experience with. Once back about 15 years ago, I had one experience, but at the first signs of discomfort, I had the top stop, which now I realize was stupid of me, and today, I would most certainly have continued for at least a time to see what happened next. Thank you for your time, and care with my question.”

I have done some research, and have heard mixed reviews about this practice. The folks who make and sell the pumps say that it’s perfectly safe, and you can do it as much as you want with no permanent damage. Some internet sources claiming to be medical professionals say that it is never safe and there is never a good reason to do it. I think that the safety aspect is somewhere in between. You said that you wanted to use it for edge play, so obviously you know that it’s not 100% safe, but then what in BDSM is?

Unlike a butt hole, the thing you are stretching when you pump is not a muscle. Muscles can be flexible and “retrained” over time to return to their original (or nearly original) shape and size. Pumping, however, uses a vacuum to force blood into the soft spongy tissue of the shaft of the penis at a higher volume and faster than naturally occurs in your body during an erection. Many people who pump keep the blood there by continued use of the vacuum or by using a tight cock ring to prevent the blood from escaping. Any time you draw blood into a part of the body against its natural flow, and hold it there against its will, you are risking damage to your body. There is a potential to burst blood vessels, and bruise your penis; or stretch the cavities in your penis’ soft tissue in such a way that they are impossible to fill naturally again. Many people who have participated in excessive pumping have found that they are unable to get and maintain a natural erection anymore. That’s worse case scenario.

Using moderation when pumping can lead to heightened sexual pleasure. The blood near the surface of your penis will feed the nerve endings there making them more receptive to stimuli, both pleasurable and painful. This means that your BDSM experience and sexual satisfaction of it will be heightened. As long as you are not pumping beyond your physical limitations, or pumping so regularly that all your erections are achieved this way, you should be fine. As far as physical limitations go, the pumping cylinder should fit loosely around your flaccid shaft or snuggly around your erect shaft leaving you room to move and grow but not too much.

Best of luck, and let me know how it goes!

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February 26, 2014

“Dear Daddy Kenneth, while I feel that I made the right decision to walk away from a bad relationship for the past year, I feel lost and keep wondering what is wrong with me that I didn’t deserve love and respect. I gave it my all including financial and emotional support. I was never enough. He has jumped right into another relationship and I’m still angry at what he has done to me. I feel like I can’t move on. We don’t speak period so the questions will never be answered. How do I let this go? Sincerely, a hurt soul”

It is very hard to let something go when you’ve held on for a long time. If you thought that you were losing it, and held tighter at the end then letting go is even more difficult. What you have to remember is that even though you walked away rather than sink any more emotional and financial resources into this relationship, you already contributed those resources and you’re going to feel their loss. That’s not even to mention the fact that you are going to feel the loss of the stability you thought you had with this person. Allow yourself to feel, and mourn, that loss. I have a theory that a person is in mourning for their past relationship for half as long as the relationship lasted. This means that your ex-boyfriend is rebounding with his new beau, or he emotionally ended the relationship with you much sooner than you did, and has already mourned its loss.

I find that when relationships end, it’s usually because the people in the relationships want different things out of them. When relationships end badly, it’s because the people in them did not know how to communicate properly about those differences, or they didn’t even try. Most of the time, people assume that their partner knows what they want, and their partner wants the same thing. This is not always the case. Not wanting the same things does not mean that you are not deserving of love and respect, it just means that you partner may not know how to give you love and respect in a way that you can appreciate it. A failure to communicate can leave both partners feeling like they “gave it their all” and just “weren’t good enough.”

The question of what you did wrong, from his point of view, will never be answered completely. What you did was fail to give him what he needed, and fail to tell him what you needed. What he did was fail to give you what you needed, and fail to tell you what he needed. Beyond that, the specifics of his needs and your needs cannot be articulated unless you both drastically change your method of communication with each other. The chances of that happening at this point are negligible.

How do you get over it, and move on? You have to grieve. It sounds to me like you’re already in Anger, which is the second stage of grief, and next you’ll move into Bargaining, followed by Depression and Acceptance. You won’t be able force these, you won’t be able fake any of them; all you can do is let yourself experience them as they come. I recommend that you stay in acceptance as long as you can before you try moving into another relationship yourself. There’s no need to compete with your ex to show who is doing better post-breakup. Surround yourself with friends who love and support you, and work on letting go, one step at a time. You may also want to use your anger to motivate you to block your ex on social media, and remove him from your phone.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

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February 24, 2014

“Due to the recent slavery crimes, are the words ‘slave’ and ‘slavery’ appropriate in the context of our leather relationships since we really haven’t had real cases of slavery for a very long time (at least in America)? Perhaps a word like ‘vassal’ and ‘vassalage’ are more appropriate. I don’t think any leather slave would ever introduce themselves to any of the women in these cases as ‘slave x’.”

What you’re suggesting is a complete change in a culture for an imaginary problem. You’re perfectly correct that a “leather slave” would not be likely to introduce themselves as “slave x” to one of the victims of the crimes that you referenced. It is even less likely that one of victims of those crimes would self-identify as a slave or express their ordeal in terms of slavery. Most of the reports I’ve seen have reference kidnapping, and hostage situations, but they don’t specifically reference slavery. Some of the news reports might have used slave-like imagery in their words to describe the conditions under which the victims were held, but if we are to be sensitive to that as a leather culture, we better start tossing out all our chains, cages, shackles, and rope. Once we get rid of those things, we can work on changing the words we use.

There have been many efforts by people over the years to make the BDSM world more “PC” and to stigmatize the words and concepts we use because “someone might get offended.” I’m not interested in a watered-down, sanitized, cleaned-up version of BDSM, and most practitioners I know are similarly uninterested in “clean” BDSM. We were once considered rebels and outlaws. At times we threw beer bottles at police who wanted to arrest us for being gay, and we’re going to be the ones staging sit-ins in homophobic businesses next week in Arizona. Granted, we won’t be alone, we’ll be side by side with our trans* and drag brothers and sisters (the original Stonewall crew, back together again 46 years later!) It’s this devil-may-care attitude of rebellion and tossing off the bonds of oppression that set us apart from the larger community. We shouldn’t be cleaning up our act, and conforming to another’s person’s ideal in order to be tolerated, we should be accepted for who and what we are. All of us should. We are human beings after all.

If that human being choses to identify as a slave, a boy, a daddy, a master, a slut, or a leather person, we should accept and love them for exactly who and what they are, nothing more nothing less. What we do consensually in our own homes, bedrooms, dungeons, sex clubs and bars is nothing like the things that have been done to others without their consent. I don’t think that we should have to stop doing the things we like to do and the things that turn us on, simply because it was done non-consensually to another person in another time. If we lived by that rule, most of the things we do and enjoy would be against the rules.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

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February 21, 2014

“So I’m curious, I’m not sure I understand the whole ‘pup thing’ can you explain it to me?”

“One is interested in pup play, I have seen pups in action and I have a few pup friends. Is the role of a pup dom/sub or its handler/pup? I am interested in this, but feel awkward asking information as I don’t want to ask stupid questions or offend anyone. Is pup play a turn on to people? How does one go about more info? I know you are in A-PAH, but I know very little about this. Please help, and thank you for your time”

“As a new puppy, with an even newer handler, do you have any advise for me (the puppy) & him (the handler)? Our roles, expectations, communication, etc.?”

Presenting the first 3’fer Friday! To be honest, it’s likely to be the only 3’fer Friday, but why not. I had three very similar questions, so I am bundling them up and presenting them to you all at once!

The whole “pup thing” is similar to the whole “boy thing,” “slave thing,” or “little thing.” What I mean is that it’s a way to identify, and a way to define yourself and your role within a family, be it Kinky, Leather, Poly, or all of the above. Many people who are into pup play take on the roles and characteristics of puppies in real life. For example, when I’m at home, I can be minding my own business doing my thing, and suddenly my pup will want attention. He will whine, growl, bark, pull on my clothes, lay his head in my lap, etc. until I’m paying attention to him. Once he has my attention, he’ll demand love and affection for a few minutes, then run off and do something else. If we’re out somewhere, he’ll wander off to explore on his own, but will circle around to make sure I’m right where he left me. If I’m not, he’ll search until he finds me, and then wander off to explore again. If he does happen to be standing with me when I move, and his attention is not occupied by something else, he will follow me to wherever my new spot is. If I happen to pick something up that he wants, he’ll follow me around to make sure that I share my treat with him. If I try to lock him out of the room while enjoying my treat, he’ll whine and paw at the door until I let him in. And all of those things are things he does while in human head-space.

When he’s in pup-headspace it’s a completely different ballgame! He chews on toys, he moves around on four legs, he wrestles with other puppies, and he generally does all the things that pups do when they are playing with other pups. His role, when he’s in pup-headspace, is to be my puppy. To give me all the things that a bio-canine gives me. Love, affection, devotion, and playful pup energy. My role, when he’s in pup space is to give him protection, safety, food and water, things to do, and social interaction. For us, puppy play is not sexual, and it’s not inherently a Dom/sub relationship (except that I am expected to control him to a degree as his owner.)

For the person afraid of asking stupid questions, I have long held the belief that the only stupid question is the one that’s already been answered. If by all reasonably standards, you should know the answer and you ask the question anyway, it might be a stupid question. Most people will not be offended if you ask a question, or even if you ask for clarification because you didn’t understand what they meant when they answered. As the pup community grows and expands, there has been a lot of information put on the internet about what pup play is, and what pup play means to the people participating in it. Read some of that stuff, and then show up at your local pup event and get involved. Ask questions and make friends.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!

February 19, 2014

“I enjoy writing male/male erotica so I ask this question to any man who will indulge my curiosity. How does prostate stimulation/orgasm feel as opposed to an orgasm while just masturbating/penis stimulation only?”

My first bunt. I’ve written 39 columns, and had 39 answers; some good, some bad, some ugly, some right, and some wrong. This is the first time that I didn’t have an answer. I wracked by brain and thought about what I would write, and how I would answer this question. Then I thought to myself, “why not go to the experts?” There are several people among my friends who have played with all sorts of different orgasms, so why wouldn’t I just ask them and get their opinion. So, without further ado, for this very special, 40th column, I present to you guest spots!

Bob says: “While the orgasm itself often feels the same as masturbating, it can also be accompanied by the sensation of needing to pee. Sometimes, depending on the length of the cock, and the angle, it can be either pleasant rubbing against the prostate, or it can feel like jabbing, which is not always a pleasurable sensation, but a sensation none the less, and it would depend on how you process, it. For me personally, it often depends on the person I am playing with and our connection, I have only achieved orgasm from being fucked and not stimulating my cock directly, about 5 times, and only with about three different guys. I have been brought to orgasm via fist fucking as well, if the top knows what he’s doing, the orgasm is almost identical as any orgasm achieved through masturbation or fucking, although there can be that brief (usually) sensation of wanting to pee as well, so far that always passes and turns into the actual orgasm.”

Ron adds: “Well those I do it on say it greatly increases the intensity and duration of the orgasm. Not everyone responds to prostrate stimulation in the same way. Most are not aware of the increased stimulation unless someone knows how to find the prostrate or the cock is big enough to stimulate it when fucking.”

Victor gives a different perspective and contributes the following: “It’s very different. Penis orgasms are quick and kind of sharp. Prostate orgasms are slow. They build from inside instead of from the penis and a lot of times this deep burning will start inside you and slowly work it’s way to your penis. The orgasm itself lasts a good 30 seconds or at least feels that way and you just feel your cock leaking tons of pre-come the whole time. Then as slow as it starts it wings down but you’re not done being horny. I generally wanted to keep getting pounded. And I was just covered in cum, but it’s much clearer. I wish I still had those orgasms as easily add I used to.”

Not to be out done, @Kep L. Iko – The Page (who is an aspiring author, which won’t be a surprise after reading his contribution) says: “Well it depends. In my experience there are times when I’ve been so wound up beforehand that when it starts I cum quickly and, although it’s intense, it’s more akin to a wet dream. There’s kind of a low, dull orgasm. Nothing spectacular, but somewhat surprising which is the main thrill. Felt good, but wasn’t memorable.

“BUT, the great ones, which I’m sure erotica would benefit from the most, are the long sessions (not being worked up beforehand, but being worked up BECAUSE of the prostate massage). At first it feels somewhat weird but good – like a rim job – you’re not 100% comfortable, but you let it happen and feel it out. But once you get passed the initial anxiety, you start to enjoy it. Each time the hand, toy, our cock rubs along the prostate it feels like intensity running through your body. I quiver, I feel like I’m orgasming, I want to cum, but it’s only just begun. After a few minutes of intense pseudo orgasmic sensation I start to let my body relax. I’ve been tensed up, toes curled, to this point. I begin to let my guard down, and another wave of anxiety begins because I worry that I’m no longer as “clean” as I began the evening. It’s all in my head, though. Just a normal fear because I’m beginning to let my guard down. A few minutes more and I start to feel waves of relaxing, soothing pressure – like a real massage, but inside. It obviously makes my prostate feel wonderful, but the effect is deeper. My abs tense and relax, my spine straightens and relaxes, chills run down my spine as I think about what’s going on. I begin breathing faster. My tongue and mouth start to dry, I begin hyperventilating slightly. I lick the inside of my mouth to keep it wet. My toes begin curling again. The pressure begins building with each wave. My body shoots waves of sensation and numbness throughout. I begin to arch my back and moan. He takes note of my pleasure and goes harder. Not firm, but rubbing a little faster and in wider circles/strokes. At this point he also starts massaging the taint which causes a gentle tugging at my balls. If he starts to lick my inner thigh at this point, or gently licking my balls/taint I’ll go wild and squirm. But it’s beginning to become overwhelming. The sensation is building. My hands are quivering, my abs are tingling numb, my toes are curled. I start worrying I’ll get a Charlie horse, and I start forcing myself to relax my body, but every time I relax my body is overcome with intense sensations. I’m starting to gasp and moan beyond my control. I can’t stop. It feels so incredible. He starts pausing and resuming just to edge me closer and give me the chance to breathe. If he continues, it starts to get to the point where short, rapid rubbing gets me closer, finally it becomes so intense I can no longer hold it in. My entire body tenses and relaxes, I shoot burst after burst. It flies through the air, covers his face, his hair, his cheek. I just start laughing in ecstasy. My body flushes and I feel completely numb for a moment, then tingly, then as though I’m waking up from the most peaceful and wonderful dream.”

I hope this helps answer your question and gives your fuel for your stories. Thank you to all my guest writers today, much appreciated!

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!

February 17, 2014

“So I have a question: if you love someone, have been through hell, and tried to work on trust, how then can you ignore that his reputation both in the relationship and outside are always on your mind? I have a guy that refuses to take responsibility for his side dealings, and while the evidence is clear we are lost in translation. I’ve dated escorts, dealers and even bankers, but never loved like I do now but the trust and honesty are gone. How do you get it back when they think the truth will hurt you more than the lies?”

Trust takes years to build and seconds to break. Once broken it is very rare that it can ever be fully repaired, and repairing it takes monumental effort on the part of the person doing the trusting. What kinds of efforts can you make? A friend of mine once told me that they found inner peace with their trust issues by trusting everyone to be themselves, nothing more, nothing less. If you can do that with your partner, you can start to build trust again. Instead of fighting his reputation, try embracing it. Don’t force him to pretend to be something he’s not in order to please you, but allow him to be himself and love him for all of that self.

Show him that the truth doesn’t hurt you, because you love him. Don’t pull “ah ha, gotcha” moments on him, when you have all the evidence, just let him know gently and non-judgmentally that you know what’s going on. If his “other man” was at your house and left his undies, wash them, fold them, and tell your boyfriend where they are and mention that he should make sure the other man gets them back. If they leave a used condom in the bathroom trash can, ask him nicely to take it out.

The more he knows you know, and the more he sees you can handle it without confrontation, the more likely he is to tell you things, and trust you not to freak out. You will be opening the door for communication without trying to force him through it. It’s one thing to tell your partner that he doesn’t have to sneak around, it’s another thing to show him you mean it.

Your boyfriend will continue to exhibit the same patterns of behavior that have “worked” for him in the past, and will fall into the same lies and deflections he’s used before. Don’t rise to his bait, and don’t call out his lies. Just let him have his way, and drop the subject. The more you accept him the way he is, the more he’ll accept that he can be himself around you. Eventually the lies will become unnecessary and stop; you’ll get to the point where you can tell your boyfriend that you’re out of milk and he should ask his fuck bud to pick some up on the way over.

As for the “reputation” outside the relationship, ignore it. If someone tries to hurt you with it, don’t be hurt by it. Say, “I know all about it, why are you gossiping about my boyfriend?”

I am not saying you need to be a pushover or a doormat; by all means, get what you need out of the relationship or get out. At the same time, accept that he’s getting his needs met too, and if you love him, you should be happy that he is. If he’s 15 minutes late for dinner, eat without him and serve him up some cold leftovers, and let him know you missed him at dinner and wished he was there. If he isn’t there to watch your tv show together, watch it without him; tell him you did, and he needs to catch up on his own. You know by now when his excuses are legitimate and when they’re bullshit. Reward the legitimate excuses by waiting longer, and ignore the bullshit ones. He’ll figure out the pattern quickly enough: “tell the truth, I wait; lie to me and eat alone.”

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!

Ferbrary 14, 2014

“Dear Daddy Kenneth, Can a switch or a man who does not accept the roll of Dominant collar someone who is and has accepted being submissive? If the submissive is the babygirl/boy of one man does the switch need permission from the Daddy to collar his lover? If the submissive is also protected and has a play partner, do the protector and play partner have a say in these goings on or is it between the lover and Daddy.”

Collars are symbols that are given meaning by the people who are using them, therefore it is up to the people who are using them to decide when and how to use them. There are some commonly accepted meanings when it comes to collaring, but I’ve seen kinky people turn those meanings on their heads, and utilize a meaning that was better suited to their own situation. So a Switch CAN collar a submissive if he wishes, and the submissive accepts the collar.

I am not sure why the submissive in question would be interested in accepting a collar from someone who was not dominant, but that is between the two of them. If they want to use a collar to symbolize a relationship between them, they should. He should be aware that perceptions from outsiders are going to place him in the role of dominant, and he will spend a great deal of time explaining why he has a collared submissive when he is not dominant.

In poly relationships, I am a big fan of keeping everyone in the loop, and respecting established boundaries. The submissive should ask the daddy what he thinks about the new development in the relationship, and how he thinks the switch should proceed. If the switch has a strong enough relationship with the daddy, the switch should talk to the daddy as well. If the switch is relatively unknown to the daddy, I would recommend that the switch let the submissive deal with the daddy.

As far as who has say in the relationship between the submissive and the switch, only the people in the relationship have say about what happens in the relationship. The play partner, protector, and daddy may all dictate how their relationships with the submissive go, but unless they are in relationships with each other that include the submissive as well (three ways or more ways relationships) they should stay out of the submissive’s other relationships, and focus on their own. They all have an obligation to respect each other and established boundaries, or get the fuck out, but no one should be dictating the the other relationships.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

Do you like what you see on Ask Daddy Kenneth? Ask Daddy is a public blog, so you can share your favorite columns on your social media to introduce your friends to the column!