November 20, 2013

“Is it ‘UN-sub like’ or ‘UN-boy like’ to be very exacting or assertive in what you want?”

Yes and no. It is useful for a boy or submissive to know exactly what it is that they like, and exactly what it is that they don’t like. It’s also useful to know to what degree they like, or do not like that thing. Often times in new relationships, a sir/daddy/dominate type will try to understand what makes their new boy, or potential new boy, tick. It’s hard to punish a boy by shaving their head if the boy gets off on having their head shaved. Likewise if they enjoy being in Daddy’s company, time “off leash” and away from Daddy isn’t a suitable reward for good behavior. There are some things that are hard limits for boys, and if they experience those things they may decide to leave and never come back (or worse, badmouth Daddy to all their boy friends, and leave Daddy with no one to play with.) Being exact about what you like and what you don’t, and sharing that information with your dominant is a good way to get what you want.

Assertiveness on the other hand, can be problematic. Sir/daddy/dominate types like to be in control in their relationships. That is why they are s/d/d types and not boys or submissives. If they wanted to be told what to do, when to do it, or how to do it, they would be the ones wearing the collars, not the ones holding the leashes. Asserting your rights as a human being is one thing, but asserting yourself sexually or in your BDSM play may be a turn off to your dominant. Remember that while you have the right to emotional, physical, and mental safety in your BDSM relationships, your dominant is much more than the person who wields the whip for your pleasure. Often they have kinks and fetishes of their own. They likely entered into this relationship in order to get those wants and needs filled, not to spend the entire relationship fulfilling your wants and needs.

If you find yourself in a dominant submissive relationship and you are asking yourself, how do I get my wants met, without inconveniencing myself to make sure my partner’s needs are met; chances are you are attempting to take the dominant role in the relationship, regardless of which side of the whip you want to be on. I might add, you are also doing so in a very selfish way. No BDSM relationship should be, in my opinion, one sided. There is give and take, which is why we call it “power exchange”.

My recommendation to any submissive or boy out there who is in a D/s relationship is to ask yourself daily, perhaps as part of your evening devotion, meditation, reflection, or final thoughts before sleep, “What did I do to serve my dominant today, and did I do it in the spirit of service?” When you have an answer daily, without thinking too hard about it, you’ll know that you are being truly “sub-like” or truly “boy-like.” The way your dominant partner says “Thank you” my be pleasant and surprising to you, and may be everything you wanted and needed in that moment. If you are not currently in a D/s relationship, but would like to be, ask yourself each night, “What did I do today to serve my future dominant?”

PS: Service can be the little things you do that you think might go by unnoticed, like not giving your daddy too many dinner choices when he’s had a long day, or listening to his decision when he makes a choice, even if it seems like he just arbitrarily picked the second thing you said. If he gets to relax and enjoy a stress free dinner after a long day, he may be refreshed for some hot play after dinner, or he may just want to relax on the couch with a movie and a boy in his arms. Either way, you win, right?

PPS: An unowned boy or submissive always, always-always-always-always, has the right to say no! Regardless of who is asking, and how they are asking you to do something. If your potential dominant is not willing to listen to your “No” when you’re chatting over text or at the bar, you can bet your ass that he won’t listen when you’re tied up and helpless, and you may loose a lot more than you’re willing to bet when he does. Always! I can’t say it enough. He may be the greatest, most respected, most powerful daddy in the world with the most boys following him everywhere. The greatest gift you can give yourself, and your future dominant is to say “No” to him.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s