Monthly Archives: August 2013

August 13, 2013

“My coworker asked me if I supported NAMBLA because I’m gay. I had never even heard of NAMBLA outside of Southpark references. How do I enlighten her to the reality that most gay men, or humans in general, have no interest in minors? My only ‘experience’ with pedophilia was when one of my exes cheated on me with [a minor] – the idea does not appeal to me as I’ve always been attracted to older guys, typically in their 30’s, even when I was 18 and had just started exploring my sexuality.”

I first heard of NAMBLA when I first came out, though not by that name. It seems that among adults at the time, there was a distinct fear that there were predatory homosexual men who wanted nothing more than my fifteen year old virginity. For this reason I learned to be wary of older men in the gay community because I was under the impression that they wanted nothing more than to take advantage of me and my nubile young body. I even heard that there was a contingent of these men somewhere in the world who were vying for acceptance and permission to march in a gay pride parade. They sat gleefully outside the pride board meeting with their beady little eyes and their lecherous grins and waited for this “All inclusive” board to say “Yes – pedophiles are homosexuals too!” Much to this alleged group’s dismay, the alleged pride board in question denied their petition and they had to slink back to the shadows from wince they came. Meanwhile, I started to encounter age discrimination in the gay community. When I was younger, I was too young. When I got older, I got too old. The younger guys thought I was a NAMBLA Perv, just as I used to think the older guys were NAMBLA Pervs.

One day, I had a brainstorm, I thought that there was no way in this day and age that an organization like NAMBLA could possibly exist. With all the “catch a predator” and other entrapment schemes out there and the right wing “protect our children from the evil homosexuals” cries for action, you would think that if such an organization existed it would have been infiltrated and brought down. Right? So I perused the internets in search of answers. Being cautious (after all, I’ve seen Catch a predator, and had friends arrested in entrapment schemes) I found nothing that indicated that this was actually a real thing. I did find statistics that suggest the majority of child-rapists are, or identify as, heterosexual. The majority of child rapists also work alone. It’s too dangerous to trust yourself to an organization that could be infiltrated by the Feds, or any else who was on a mission to shut you down. People who share their secret with others have a tendency to get caught, and go to jail.

So, what purpose does the NAMBLA-Myth serve? Well, it kept me from fucking those hot older men who might have taught me a thing or two about sex (stuff I had to stumble through and figure out on my own.) It also taught me to fear older men because they had nothing to offer but sex, and it was dirty take-advantage-of-me sex at that. In other words, the NAMBLA-myth perpetuates agism in the gay community by making us fear each other. I am not, in any way, implying that child-rape does not exist. I am not implying in any way that grown men do not rape young boys sometimes, or that grown women don’t do it to young girls too. Sometimes grown women do it to young boys. Most often it is grown men doing it to young girls. That’s the real reality of the situation.If you want to be gentle with your friend, tell her that you believe that NAMBLA is a fear-based myth, designed to divide the gay community and make the heterosexuals fear us; that you don’t know anyone who is a member of NAMBLA, nor do you have any evidence that it actually exists. Then point out that you likely have very similar tastes in men, and ask her if her favorite male celebrity is Justin Bieber or Tatum Channing. If you don’t want to be gentle, ask her when was the last time she raped a prepubescent boy, and if she supports lonely high school teachers who fuck their 9th grade students? She must, if she’s straight, right?

August 12, 2013

“I have been roommates with someone for 5 years. I have very strong feelings for him. I find myself very protective and in many ways we function as husbands minus the sex that is. I actually in a lot of ways think of him as I would a primary. Unfortunately, while he does love me, and jokes that we are essentially husbands because we do plan everything and share our lives and accomplishments with each other, I don’t know that he realizes just how strong my feelings actually are. As a result he will make light of them and I end up feeling hurt. I don’t know how to tell him how that makes me feel and I also feel like it is keeping me from seeking out someone that would actually be more reciprocal in their feelings because it is obvious to everyone else how much I actually do love him everyone except maybe him SO I get to be the one that he tells how much he wishes he could find someone to be in a relationship that understands what he wants from a relationship, which is everything I already give him minus the sex, and who will understand his need to be poly, again I end up being his boyfriend’s best friend and often they end up coming to me for relationship advice. which hurts like a son of a bitch let me tell you. He is a great roommate though and so I don’t want to move out to move on. I just want to figure out a way to reconcile the apparent fact that it will never be anything more than almost a relationship with the fact that I am tired of being alone.”

Your roommate is stupid, living under a rock, or he knows exactly how you feel. If I were a betting man, my money would be on the third option. What your roommate doesn’t know is how to tell you exactly how he feels without ruining the great friendship that you share. He wants you as a roommate, a confidant, and a best friend. He is not romantically or sexually interested in you as a life partner.

I am going to go out on a limb and guess that he doesn’t mean to hurt you by making light of your feelings for him, it’s his way of acknowledging those feelings, while trying to let you know that they are not reciprocated. In telling you what he’s looking for in a life partner he’s again trying to tell you that these are the things that he wants, but he wants them from someone else. There could be any number of reasons why he doesn’t see himself in a romantic or sexual relationship with you. I am not going to venture to guess what those reasons are, but I will say that there is one. If he was going to change his mind about you, he would have done it by now, and gone for it with you. Roommates have many opportunities to make what I call the “Oops – first move.” That is a first move made with no (or few) negative consequences. It happens when you’re drunk and you take a risk, or when the power’s out and you’re just “keeping each other warm” or something similar to that. If this hasn’t happened in five years, or if it did happen and the consequences were distinctly negative then it’s not going to happen.I also think that you are trying to protect yourself from fully committing to a relationship outside of the one with your roommate, thereby protecting yourself from this risk involved. You have put yourself in an imaginary primary relationship, leaving nothing for yourself but secondary relationships. In many poly people, secondary relationships are “safer” than primaries because of the “Primary First” rule. The conflict is occurring because reality is not matching your fantasy and your heart is having a hard time accepting that. It’s time to shift your mindset. Try to convince your heart that your roommate is a secondary, and you are on the market for a primary. It’s a scary thought, but put yourself out there. The universe has a funny way of responding.

August 9, 2013

“Do you have a separate FaceBook account aside from your existing profile that contains information about your leather lifestyle? I guess my problem is that I am trying to please everyone and not myself. Ive recently started connecting with pups and I really enjoy them. Sometimes I’m worried what a potential company might say if someone saw a pup “peeing on my leg” or giving me puppy licks. Should I just not worry about it and just be me, kink, sex, love and all? I post about a lot of other things as well and have a wide range of FB friends.”

I personally do not. I am completely out in every way. I even go so far as to put my Non-Profit (Imperial Court) and my Event Planning and Management (Co-Producer of a Leather Event) on my Professional Resume. I alter the descriptions for my audience of course, but they are there because they are relevant to my professional history. I also don’t want to go back into the closet for any reason, that is not the type of person that I am. I am completely out to my family and have given them the “Love Me for me, or take a hike” speech. Luckily, my family accepts me for who I am, and none of them have yet told me to take a hike.

All of that said: I am tech savvy enough to hide my digital footprint very quickly, should the need arise. I also regularly google myself, just to see. Between the Catholic Bishop, Politician, Lawyer, and criminals who share my name in some combination, I don’t even show up on the first two pages of Google, (and really, who looks past the first two pages?)I also refrain from adding people from work on my Facebook page, instead preferring to use social networking to network with the people that I actually socialize with. For those who are worried about this sort of thing, however, there are many ways to ensure your privacy. Explore Facebook’s privacy settings and figure out the best way to prevent a random person’s post from being visible to your coworkers.

August 8, 2013

“How does one pick the proper placement for a Guiche? Should one plan on wearing a cock ring (if that’s normal for that person)? Should Guiche placement be behind where the cock ring and is the Guiche comfortable to wear daily (never remove it)?”

A Guiche is considered to be a genital piercing, and is placed on the perineum between the anus and the scrotum. Sometimes on or very near the base of the scrotum, sometimes it is located closer to the anus. It often provides additional testicular or prostate stimulation for a man during sexual encounters. It is sometimes performed on females, but that practice is rare.

You should select the proper placement for your Guiche in consultation with your piercing professional. If you plan on wearing a cock ring with your Guiche, please let your piercer know. You may wish to bring your cock ring with you to get your piercing, so that your piercer can see what it looks like and plan accordingly. Remember that this person is a) a professional at their job b) performing a medical procedure on you and c) has heard of just about everything that you can imagine in regards to piercings and body modifications. Withholding information out of embarrassment that your piercer is judging you is one of the most foolhardy things you can do. Think about it, you are trusting this person to make a permanent (or semi-permanent) modification to your body, you should be able to talk to them about what the body modification means to you. Trust me, if they are about to modify your genitals in some way, they will assume that there is some sort of sexual component to what they are about to do, so you lose nothing by being honest.

I don’t have a Guiche, so I don’t know how comfortable it is to wear, but the research I’ve done suggests that you should leave it in at all times, or you risk having the piercing close on you. This is at the very least true during healing, and your piercer can advise you on keeping it clean and healthy while it heals. If you sit a lot at work, it may be uncomfortable for a while, but your body will eventually adjust.(PS. The advice above in regards to talking to your medical professionals, and being honest, is true for ALL your medical professionals. If you are uncomfortable telling your medical professionals the truth about yourself, get a new professional, or a new lifestyle.)

August 6, 2013

“So, I have heard scrotal infusion is harmless, should I just shove the needle in anywhere and pump the saline, in? Can I just use tap water? Will I pee it all out right away? Can I get plowed while my nuts are the size of a nerf football?”

I have never practiced scrotal infusion, so I had to do some research on this one.

Scrotal Infusion is a temporary body modification created by pumping saline into the scrotum in order to enlarge it. As the very process involves introducing an outside substance into the body, it is not harmless by nature, but it can be done without any lingering or lasting effects.

No, you cannot just shove the needle in anywhere. You should learn how to do scrotal infusion properly and safely from someone who has done it before and is able to teach you how to do it. If that is not an option, there are videos on the internet which demonstrate infusion and give instructions on safety.

Using tap water would be very dangerous, as it is not sterile. Common practice in body modification is to only use sterile equipment and products, so that foreign bacteria, chemicals, and particulates are not introduced into the body, which creates a risk of infection or other adverse reactions.

The saline will not absorb into the body rapidly, or right away. If you infuse, you can expect to have your enlarged scrotum for roughly 2-3 days, then the saline will be absorbed by the body, and disposed of naturally.

From what I understand, immediately following infusion, your testicles and surrounding area are sensitive and sore. Some describe it as feeling like you’ve been kicked in the junk. With that in mind, and considering that a scrotum tends to swing around and bump into legs and other body parts while someone is being “plowed” I would say that having sex right away might be a very painful experience for you. If that’s what you’re looking for, you are ABLE to do whatever your body lets you do. Whether or not it’s a good idea is an entirely different question.For more information on infusion, you can visit the following website:

August 5, 2013

“Daddy Kenneth: can you explain how a poly relationship is supposed to work in theory? How do you balance things so your primary does not feel left out when your secondaries cause more than their share of drama?”

Poly is a type of relationship where the participants feel that they are capable of being involved in more than one romantic relationship at a time. There are various ways to engage in poly relationships, including: Closed Poly Relationships in which the participants share love and sex with only each other, similar to a monogamous relationship but with more than two people. Primary/Secondary Relationships where the poly person will share more of their life with one person (usually this includes things like children, living spaces, shared bills etc) as well as romance and sex, and will share romance and sex with additional people. Polygamy is where one person has multiple partners, but the others in their relationship do not.

In order to work, all the partners must be “in the know” about the relationships and their statuses and functions. This requires communication, patience, and understanding on all parts. Many poly people reject the notion of “happily ever after” and subscribe instead to the ideology that relationships are by nature transient. You can share a part of your life with someone for a length of time, and then stop sharing your life with that person without your life or theirs ending. Sometimes a secondary relationship will grow into a primary relationship while a primary relationship fades back into a secondary relationship. Sometimes secondary relationships will end all together and a new one doesn’t start for many years. The key to any poly relationship is mutual love, trust, respect and communication with your partners. Also remember, it is not your place to communicate with your partner’s partners, unless they are also your partners.

A person causing drama in a relationship is attempting to communicate, but doing so in a way that is not constructive. Listen to all aspects of that communication: The timing, the preceding events, the follow up events. Determine what it is that the person is asking for. Once you are aware what their problem is, encourage them to bring that problem to you in a more constructive manner. If they feel they are not getting enough of your time, talk with your primary about adjusting the time tables. If they feel that you are disrespecting them, look at your self and determine if that’s true. It could be that they are just being selfish and childish, how would you deal with that if you were in a 1 on 1 relationship with this person and there were no other partners involved? Once you have an established protocol for constructive communication, resist the urge to give into the dramatic communication. If your primary is feeling threatened by these bursts of dramatic communication, make sure you set aside some drama free time with your primary. Disconnect your computers, turn off your phones, lock your doors, and light a scented candle, and share some quality time with your primary.

August 4, 2013

“When you have anal sex, do you just bend them over and lube them up and ram it in with out telling them your going to do it; and make them take it and the pain?”


This is a common myth about anal sex that is perpetuated by pornography and heterosexual male fantasies (horror stories? nightmares?) In truth, unless the bottom is very experienced, that sort of behavior can do a lot of damage to them. This is quite possibly the reason that heterosexual females don’t enjoy anal sex very much (as a rule.)

In reality, the muscle that you are penetrating when you engage in anal sex exists for the purpose of creating a seal, through which solid matter does not pass. By the time we have reached sexual maturity, people have trained their bodies to keep this muscle closed without conscious effect. This is a learned behavior, and why babies wear diapers which often end up with solid matter in them, and adults do not. In order for a penis to safely and pleasurably pass through that muscle, a person must un-train this now-subconcious-now-default behavior in regards to that muscle.

The process of un-training that muscle takes patience, confidence, and lubrication. Patience on the part of the top who wants to stick something up there, confidence on the part of the bottom who needs to know that there isn’t already something else up there, and lubrication to make the entry pleasurable to both. Once the bottom is confident, go slow, start small (fingers are great) and work your way up. Once the penis has fully penetrated the sphincter (that muscle I was talking about) you can begin to speed up. Make sure you are communicating with your partner to maximize the pleasure that speeding up will produce (and slow down if they ask you to!) and don’t forget to re-lubricate when necessary.

August 3, 2013

“Dear Daddy Kenneth: I have a reoccurring fantasy where I am sandwiched, naked, between a couple I know, having the best sex of my life. What should I do?”

Enjoy the fantasy!

If it is your intent to make that fantasy a reality, you must first decide whether the couple in question is interested in you. Have they given you any clues that they see you sexually? If not, it doesn’t mean that they are not, it could just mean that they think you are not available and respecting your existing or perceived relationship.

Let them know that you are available and interested. If they are interested and available as well, they’ll let you know. Don’t be pushy about your interest, but be genuine. They may have to talk amongst themselves before answering right away.

If they are not interested, it doesn’t mean that you are not attractive or interesting. There may be any number of reasons a couple does not return interest in you, including but not limited to: They are in a monogamous relationship, one is not interested but they are presenting a united front, they are pursing another romantic option that they don’t wish to compromise. They may not share their reason for turning you down with you, but you should respect the fact that they probably have a reason. You should also accept that whatever their reason is, it’s a good one.

Meanwhile, regardless of whether or not you get to fulfill your fantasy, there is nothing at all stopping you from having your fantasy; so enjoy it!

August 2, 2013

“Me and my husband are in a open relationship going on 8 years now. We met a guy who introduced us to the world of BDSM. He wanted a Dom and I did have fun playing the part. But the problem is I keep wondering what it would be like to be a sub. I seem to always be the guy in control during sex or relationships but I have recently been fantasizing about being controlled by a strong man. Can you be a part of this community and flip flop like that?”

The term for people who play both sides of the Dom/sub fence is “switch.” A switch will have the skill and knowledge to be on either side in the scene. The side they choose usually depends on their partner at the time; other times they will seek out specific partners that will fulfill the side that they need to express at any give time.

Usually when you are in a long term relationship with someone who has an established role, you tend to engage most often in the complimentary role. However, there are always exceptions, some established submissives have been known to demonstrate their abilities as Dominants when they are introducing new submissives to the scene, or playing with a dedicated submissive. I have also noticed a phenomenon that I call “Situational Dominance” wherein a group of submissives form a pack, a group, or a club and in the absence of a dedicated Dominant or Top, they will take turns topping each other.

None of this should be confused with a Dominant who chooses to assume the bottom role in a scene to gain first-hand knowledge of the bottom’s perspective to become a better Top in that particular scene, or with a particular set of skills.

There are some traditionalists who believe that once established, a leather person’s role should not switch. While we have an obligation as members of the community to respect the people who say “My role is Dominant, and I don’t switch” or vice versa; we also have an obligation to recognize that the role “Switch” is a valid form of self expression.