Monthly Archives: July 2013

July 31, 2013

“What’s your opinion on age differences … 33 and 19 …”

I see no reason why two or more consenting adults should not engage in a mutually satisfying sexual or romantic relationship. However, that relationship must be mutually satisfying.

With that said, in relationships where there is a significant age difference, I suggest that you follow Dan Savage’s campsite rule. That is: It is the older partner’s responsibility to leave the younger partner in better shape than they were found in. This means no new scars (emotional or physical) no new diseases, and no new children.

I also recall that in my 20’s I learned a lot that made me into the man I am in my 30’s. I can’t help but wonder if my growth as a human being, and as a gay man might have been stifled if I had stayed with the older partners that I had when I was in my late teens. I know that it’s because of them that I ended up where I am today, with the experiences I had, and for that I am grateful. But the older partner in this instance should be wary about attempting to solve the younger partner’s problems for them or stifling their growth as a human being. While it would be easy for the older partner to say “Let my experience guide you” and to protect the younger partner from the worst, remember that the younger partner is likely to have recently ended this type of relationship with their parents, and they will need to have shaping and growing experiences of their own.

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July 30, 2013

“So I have fallen for this guy. He seems to feel the same towards me. When we hang out, people assume we’re a couple. His friends & boyfriend both picked up on our feelings, and I’m afraid it’s causing tension between him & his boyfriend. They’re in an open relationship, but the bf doesn’t like having emotional attachment or social interactions with his playmates; whereas the guy I like seems to love the emotional & social attachment. What can I do so I don’t damage their relationship, but remain an active part of this Guy’s life? I like his bf too, and wouldn’t be opposed to a threesome situation, but the bf doesn’t seem to want to associate with me more than he has to.”

Guy and Boyfriend have their own set of problems in regards to their relationship and communication, and you would serve yourself and Boyfriend best if you stay out of them. Guy is actually cheating on Boyfriend. It seems as if they have defined rules in their relationship, and Guy doesn’t agree with them, so he is passive-aggressively breaking them. Boyfriend knows this, and while he is trying not to blame you for the situation, he can’t help but blame you a little bit. He’s smart enough to realize that if it wasn’t you that Guy was cheating with, it would be someone else, therefore he is tolerating you as “the evil he knows and can see” if you are not in the picture, then he has to try to discover who Guy’s next “other man” is.

You sense the tension between them because it is present whenever you are around. Boyfriend knows that you’re the other man. You know that Boyfriend knows about you, and Boyfriend and Guy are having a silent argument about you that they think they are hiding from everyone else in the room.

To keep your status as the other man, and protect the relationship that your cheating partner is in, insist that social interactions with your cheating partner take place with your friends. Do not verbalize your emotional attachment, to each other, any of your friends, or any of his. Insist that you avoid people who are mutual friends with him and Boyfriend whenever possible, and make sure that you are making a conscious choice to send him home to Boyfriend. If you give him these subtle hints that you are onto him and his game, he may lose interest in you. That means that he didn’t really love you, just the idea of what you represented. If he accepts your terms you may save both relationships. On the other hand, Guy could turn around and start cheating on both you and Boyfriend with a fourth guy.