January 4, 2017

Dear Daddy Kenneth,

I have questions on sex-party etiquette. My BF of nearly two years and I both were very slutty before we met. We both had a circle of friend’s who we fucked around with and we both were frequently asked to sex parties and orgies. After two years of monogamy, we are about to return to the playful scene. We live in a large, progressive city, but our gay community is small enough that any well-traveled gay knows at least half the other gay men in this town. We lead some significant gay fundraising activities and volunteer for prominent gay causes.

A close mutual friend of ours is having a birthday party, and it’s been made clear this will end with an orgy. It’s probably going to be less than eight people, all of whom travel in the same social circles. I have a dislike for a couple of the guys coming. I’m not drama-prone or anything, it’s just one has been so pushy about getting in my pants over the years it’s gone from flattering to disrespectful and another is such a twit I prefer to keep him at arm’s length.

Given all this… if I am fooling around (say giving or receiving BJs with a couple guys) and one of these guys I dislike tries to join me, is it uncouth to politely indicate I am not interested in sexual contact with him? Usually at orgies with strangers, I have done this very directly by first giving a gentle touch and shaking my head, and if the guy persists telling him “thank you but I am not interested.” How do I do this here? Or given that it’s a small group do I need to skip this party if I am not open to the free-for all?

Incidentally, my BF is a “radical-love” type, and is appalled that I would not just enjoy the sex regardless of who is giving it at this sort of thing. I wonder if I have to adopt that attitude (“Look, it’s a sex party, who cares which dick delivers?”) or just not attend. I know my BF will be embarrassed if I turn down people at the party – again, small group of people who frequent the same circles. However, I think that is acceptable and understood (I’m never bothered if someone turns down sex with me).

Consent is consent, and non-consent is not consent. Etiquette dictates that anyone who does not have consent should not act as if they do have consent, and once you have made it clear that your consent is not present, everyone should respect that. I am reading between the lines that you are worried about your social status as a result of rejecting a person who moves in the same social circles as you. Well, in order for the other guy to “out” you as having participated in an orgy where you rejected him, he will have to also “out” himself as having participated in the same orgy. The presence of your partner at the orgy should indicate his knowledge and consent to your actions at the orgy. Remember, no one can hold something against you if it’s not a secret.

As for how do you reject someone in a small gathering? Your large gathering method should work just fine; but be aware, by rejecting 1/4 of the participants at this gathering, you may quickly find yourself with no one to play with if they move on to other participants. You may want to wait until the next orgy where you don’t have issues with the participants, or there is a wider pool of participants to chose from.

In regards to your boyfriend, simply tell him that you’re cool with what he does, but you’re not wired the same way. If he loves you, he’ll understand that the two of you are not exactly the same (that would be pretty boring, wouldn’t it?) and let you go about conducting your sex life the way you want.


March 9, 2015

Daddy Kenneth, I have a question am a poz sub and and have a chance to date a younger Dom that makes me nervous. Well he wants to have other’s play with it but it’s really not into that and stated this but he thinks it can’t do better because its older and is poz so feeling insecure should it just let things happen and go with the flow or stand its ground.

Stand your ground and tell this younger dom that you don’t wish to be used by other people. While many subs and slaves fantasize about multiple doms using and abusing them, this is not a universal desire. You have a right to define and negotiate what you are comfortable with. No one should ever be subject to non-consensual sexual activities as the “price of admission” into a relationship. That is not a relationship, it is abuse and rape. If your partner cannot respect your desires and limits, don’t stay in that relationship.

I’m going to take this opportunity to bring back a few thoughts I’ve had over to years, and the first is that no one needs to be in a relationship. I know that society tells us that the opposite is true and that we are somehow failures if we aren’t in a relationship, and that being alone is awful and undesirable. The flip side of this coin is that there are so many miserable people in relationships who stay in those relationships for all the wrong reasons, the primary reason being “a bad relationship is better than no relationship.” I think that’s BS. I’ll take no relationship over a bad relationship any day; and because of this mentality, I am free to pick and choose the relationships that I want to be in. I only choose relationships that make me happy, and am able to end relationships when I am not happy, knowing that I have the ability to be happy on my own or in other relationships. Settling for a relationship because it’s a relationship is the worst thing that you can do for yourself, your partner, your relationship, and your happiness. Eventually resentment will build that the relationship is not good enough, and you or your partner will look elsewhere for fulfillment and the relationship will fall apart and the person who entered into it honestly will be standing there wondering what she or he did wrong. That’s not fair.

The other thing I want to post here is something that I’ve seen floating around the internet over the years and also in the Leather Journal about two years ago. It’s called “The Boy’s Bill of Rights” and it reads as follows:

boys Bill of Rights

1. Every boy has the right to have his body, intellect, and emotions protected by his Dom.
2. Every boy has the right to choose the man whom he serves and to discontinue that service and take his leave without being subjected to physical, mental, or emotional abuse.
3. Every boy has the right to be cared for, disciplined appropriately, and allowed to feel pride in his submission.
4. Every boy has the right to protected sex if he so wishes.
5. Every boy has the right to privacy if he so wishes. No boy can be blackmailed, publicly humiliated, or physically coerced into service without his expressed desire to be so.
6. Every boy has the right to defend himself from physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.
7. Every boy has the right to consent or not to consent to sexual activities.
8. Every boy has the right to seek refuge, counsel, and advice from other subs and DOMS without the expectation of sex, money, or any other service in return.
9. Every boy has the right to a physically and emotionally available circle of friends.
10. Every boy has the right to protect his own possessions and finances against intercession, theft, and non-consensual acquisition.

Remember that we are human beings first and foremost, and that our lives should be protected as such. No one, has a right to deprive you of that life or your liberty, and you should withdraw consent as soon as someone tries. I hope that you decide that your value as a person is not lessened because you are positive, or because you are older. I hope that you realize that you don’t have to take what is offered just because you think it’s the best you can get. I want you to know that you are worthy, and lovable just the way you are. Find friends who love you, and don’t diminish that love just because it’s not “a relationship.” Find people to fuck you, and don’t diminish that sex just because it’s not from “a relationship.” Some day you may find a friend who loves you and fucks you, and suddenly you’re in “a relationship” without realizing it, and you’re happy and getting what you want from that person. Don’t let that slip away because you entered into an imperfect and unsatisfying relationship, just to say you were in “a relationship.”

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March 2, 2015

I’m 24 yo and new to the BDSM scene. I’ve been meeting up fairly regularly for the past two months with this guy in his 30s who ties, tickles, and edges me and I love the sessions I have with him. I’ve been into tickling since I was really young, and it feels so great to have somebody to express this part of me with. I wish I had been less afraid and embarrassed by my sexuality all this time before now. An older friend suggested I check out IML last year and I had a blast – I felt so comfortable there. Hope to see you at IML 2015

So I’m in a fulfilling kink relationship – what could possibly be my problem? I’m just the sort of driven guy who wants to have everything in my life, and this ultimately includes a public relationship with an attractive and intelligent guy around my age who I want to come home to. I’ve just begun dating this guy (25) who I met on OkCupid. Things are going really well and I feel like our attraction to each other comes from a deep place. It’s possible that he might be a fairly active guy since he’s on PrEP, but we haven’t talked yet about what (if anything) we’re doing with other guys. On the other hand, I sort of get this monogamous vibe from him and think that since he does a lot of work with HIV-positive persons he’s just extra concerned about his sexual health. I feel really nervous about talking with him about the kink side of me and even more nervous about the relationship I have with my top. I really don’t want to lie to him if we ever have this talk, but I think even worse would be to awkwardly blunder my way through the truth since I feel so uncomfortable talking about it with somebody. I’m honestly really afraid about being rejected by him. Do you have any wisdom which could help me navigate this problem? Thank you very much!

Honesty, and the possible resulting heartbreak now, is so much better and easier to negotiate and deal with than dishonesty and the nearly guaranteed heartbreak later on. Lay your cards on the table and let this suitor know what makes you tick, and what you are doing with other people now before commitment and promises are made or implied that you are not willing or able to keep. If he asks you to stop seeing the other guy, you can evaluate which relationship is more important to you, and decide who you’re going to stop seeing. If he asks you if you’ll be ready for monogamy eventually, answer honestly. Don’t draw lines in the sand, or try to skirt technicalities on monogamy. Find out what your boyfriend thinks is, and is not monogamy, and figure out if that’s something you want and can deliver. If he asks you to be in a non-monogamous relationship, be prepared to answer (again as honestly as you are able) whether or not that relationship is going to work for you. Nothing you decide here will be written in stone, and the conversations can always be revisited, if you feel like revisiting them. Leave the same door open for your boyfriend. Make it okay for your boyfriend to ask questions about your life, and what you like and don’t like. Answer those questions honestly. Make it okay for you and your boyfriend to share this life together, if that’s what you want. Feel free to ask him the questions you’ve been wondering about. What made him decide to go on PrEP? What kind of relationship is he looking for in the long run? Does he see that relationship happening with you at all?

You may, in fact, blunder your way through this conversation. That’s okay, blunder away. If it helps, let him know in advance that you might blunder this conversation, and ask him to forgive you and hear you out. As articulate and well spoken as I seem to be when writing, I’ve blundered my way through many relationship conversations. I’ve eaten my foot as much as the next guy; and will, likely, do it again in the future. No conversation is perfect and scripted the way you see on stage or in the movies, we all make verbal mistakes or exclude an important detail. Roll with it, pick up the pieces, and move on. It’ll get easier to do each time you have a similar conversation.

You should never feel nervous expressing your true self to a potential partner. If you do feel nervous, examine why you feel that way. If you think that he’ll reject you for being yourself, think about that. In order to stay with this person, you’re going to have to pretend to be someone you’re not for the entire duration of the relationship. Is that what you want? What if the relationship lasts the rest of your life? Are you prepared to spend the rest of your life pretending to be someone just because it pleases your partner, or would you like to be yourself at some point in your life? I know that it’s hard to reject a potential partner because they cannot accept a facet of who we are, and I know it’s tempting to reject that facet of who you are in order to keep someone you like. After all, no one really wants to spend life alone, and it seems like such a small compromise now, but eventually those small compromises add up until you cannot stand who you’ve become. At that point you might as well be alone, because you will resent him, and yourself so much that there will be no joy in that relationship. You cannot change the truth about who you are, not matter how much you try, especially if you are doing it to please another person.

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February 23, 2015

I am a submissive bottom. I have been with my partner for 6 years, and finally I submitted and signed a contract with him to be his boy/slave. Ive been having this fantasy of him having several guys of his choice fucking me and using me, and him of course pushing their loads in me with his cock. I let him know that I have been having this fantasy, and would be hot if he actually set it up. Any suggestions Sir?


That is assuming that you are informed about, and understand, the ramifications of several guys fucking you without condoms; and you are not pestering your partner into engaging in a scene that he is not interested in being a part of.

To be honest, I really don’t understand the point of your question.

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February 16, 2015

50 Shades is well known for its issues with consent, informed consent, and coercion. I haven’t dabbled much into it, but I haven’t heard any reasons not to call it rapey.

My question, though, is whether there’s any problem with rape fantasies. I’ve certainly had periods where the main thing that gets me off is rape erotica – whether it’s porn or Nifty (if there’s a God, Nifty is probably from Her). Even mass-produced fantasy like a paperback novel or a film that doesn’t even bother to be NC17 is still just a fantasy and not reality.

Do you think there’s a safe zone to allow for rape fantasies without encouraging rape, domestic violence, or unhealthy relationships?

The thing about a rape fantasy is that it is a fantasy. A fantasy rape scene can be played out by role players who wish to act out that scene, for whatever reason, including (so I hear from those who have used this method) recovery from an actual rape. No matter what, though, the rape fantasy scene must always be a fantasy role-play scene. This means that the person who is submitting in the fantasy must give informed, knowledgeable consent before the scene begins or is played out. It also means that the submitting partner has an “out” if the scene becomes something they are no longer comfortable being a part of; usually a safe-word or safe-signal to their dominate partner or partners in the scene. Some very experienced and knowledgeable players may forego the safe word or signal if they’ve been playing with each other long enough to be able to read each other’s body language and have a trust deep enough to not violate each other a psychologically damaging way. I would not recommend this for beginners, however.

The difference between the scene I’m describing, and what I’ve read in and about 50 Shades is that the main female character does not have control at any point in the scenes. The dominate male partner does not give her an “out” nor does he give her the experience of building trust with him to insure that he does not damage her. Fictional characters can withstand this form of assault and abuse without damage, real people cannot. This is one of the reason it’s so important that people who are interested in the BDSM Life do not interpret 50 Shades as a depiction of reality or any sort of manual, and instead recognize it for what it is.

I have seen some wonderful presentations by fantasy role-play rapers and rapees who were happy to share their experience and expertise in these role-play scenarios. Without fail, each one of them describes the pre-negotiation and safe-signals they use. One couple I know uses “alternating body parts” to signal that it is safe to continue. If he grabs her arms or upper body and she struggles against him with her feet, the scene continues. If she struggles with her arms or upper body, he lets her go. If he grabs her feet and she struggles with her arms and upper body, he continues. If she struggles with her feet, he lets her go. By pre-negotiating these signals in advance, he is effectively requesting consent each time, and she is granting it, but their consent negotiation takes place within the framework of the scene. Once the scene begins, she can yell “No” “Stop” and “Please don’t” until she’s blue in the face and tears stream down her cheeks, and nothing she does will change his behavior, unless she says his middle name. This particular couple likes to play rough with each other and if he gets kicked in the shin (or somewhere else) while playing his role, it’s part of the game.

Any BDSM scene has the potential to stir up unintended emotional or psychological issues on the part of either partner, however rape fantasy role-play is one of the most dangerous mine fields we play in, and informed consent is key. It’s also key for the top in the scene who may need to know about any baggage that is being brought into the scene by either partner. A top may think that the scene is really hot, then get into it and suddenly be transported into a headspace that they didn’t expect and find themselves dealing with psychological trauma. So be careful, be mindful, and get consent. The major problem that most people have with 50 Shades is that the main character was not doing those things. He gained consent through manipulation, emotional blackmail, or retrospectively. (“I know I put my penis in you without permission, but you orgasmed like 20 times. Do you have any regrets?” “No” “So I get clemency for the rape then?” “Yes, I love you so much!”) This is a dangerous precedent for men to learn and women to accept. The book even shows another example of another man trying the same tactic and being ostracized for it. (“No no!” “Come on, you know you want it” “No I don’t!” “Just one kiss!” “I hate you so much Jac-, I mean Jose.”) In reality, Ana’s reaction to Jose was correct, and is the same reaction she should have given to Christian when he did the same exact thing. But I digress.

Non-consent can be hot in fantasy with fictional characters who will never suffer the emotional, mental and psychological repercussions of that event. In reality, non-consent can be role-played safely and hotly, but only after consent was achieved willingly and knowingly in advance, and when that consent can be withdrawn without consequences.

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February 9, 2015

Hey Daddy Kenneth!

My question is regarding whether my sexual “outlook” is healthy.

To explain I must provide you some background info and say that due to circumstances in my life I’ve gained a deep desire to be the best possible partner. Some of this means being experienced and able to please my partner in bed. It’s to the extent that in bed I have very little personal preferences, I typically do whatever the other guy wants. This does not make me submissive however, I use the term “complimentary.” If the guy is a bottom I will top and vice versa. If he likes feet I’ll let him at my feet. If he’s submissive I’ll be dominant. If he wants bareback then I do it. Whatever he likes I try to accommodate (within reason) and fill in the corresponding role within general reason. I “get off” on pleasuring others. But as I say all this the thought comes to my mind whether this “outlook” I have is really all that healthy. I still get consent, I still talk about sex and what is acceptable. I feel like perhaps I shouldn’t be so focused on the other persons pleasure. I’m not sure. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Yes. You have a perfectly healthy sexuality. You please your partner, you please yourself, you partner pleases you, and you’ve negotiated all the ways to make that happen. You get off, your partners gets off, and no one is sitting there at the end thinking “what a selfish lover he was!”

My guess is that you’re feeling insecure because there is societal pressure to “be” something, and be it all the time. You should be a dominate or submissive, you should be a top or a bottom, and you should always, always be a selfish lover! You’ve discovered that it’s not the defined role that makes you happy, but you’re partner’s enjoyment of the encounter that works for you. Run with it, and keep making people (and yourself) happy.

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February 2, 2015

I’ve been dating someone for a few months and we’ve decided to officially call each boyfriends and tell others we are in a relationship. We’ve had the talk about open vs. monogamous relationships and even though he would prefer a monogamous relationship, he is willing to be in an open relationship at my request. At this point, he’s only asked that I don’t tell him who tops me and has also said that he doesn’t plan to have sex with others. I understand the importance of communication and prioritizing our relationship but I’m wondering what other aspects of an open relationship we should be aware of. I’d like to make things work and so far I think we’re starting with a good foundation but I would like to prevent the open relationship from creating problems. What other things should we talk about when it comes to having sex with other guys but being in a relationship at the same time?

One aspect of an open relationship that you should be aware of is consent. While you may believe you have consent in this relationship, what you actually have is coerced consent. You waited until you had been dating for 6 months and made the decision to become boyfriends and enter into a relationship before you told him that you were not a monogamous person. Because society’s default setting is that people can expect monogamy from their relationship partners, you essentially lied to him about your intentions for six months. This allowing him to become emotionally invested in you, before you turned his own emotions against him and blackmailed him into giving you what you wanted. It could very well have gone the other way if the balance of power favored him in this relationship and monogamy was the order of the day. He could have blackmailed you into being monogamous and you would have been required to comply with his wishes, thereby leaving you sexually unsatisfied or in a position of being a cheater. So, how is your boyfriend going to cheat on you? He’s going to cock-block your attempts at sex with others, he’s going to emotionally manipulate you into forgoing a tryst in order to spend time with him, he will monopolize your time so that you cannot have sex with others, and he will impose more and more restrictions on when and how you can have sex outside of the relationship until you don’t remember if it was okay to get sucked by cheating to suck, or vise versa. The whole time he will be building resentment that he is not enough for you, and you will be building resentment that he isn’t living up to his agreement. Your relationship will self-destruct and you’ll be sitting there asking yourself what happened when you did everything right. Either that, or he’ll build resentment that you’re having more fun then him, and sneak around behind your back, never owning up to sleeping with others. This could cause you to freak out when you find out he’s been lying to you, or cause him so much guilt that he can’t function properly in the relationship. There is a very slim possibility that he will come around to your point of view and you’ll end up in a happy, healthy open relationship. I’m a betting man, and I wouldn’t put money on that possibility.

My advice to you is to not do this again. Next time you start seeing, or dating, someone, before you have “the talk” about being boyfriends, have “the talk” about monogamy. I suggest somewhere between the beginning of the first and end of the third date. Casually mention that you are looking for an open relationship and that sexually you’re not the monogamous type. If he bolts, let him bolt. It’s better to find out that you’re not compatible BEFORE you are both emotionally invested. If he stays, he’s a keeper. When I met my partner 10 years ago, I told him six things about me on the day we met. As we sat in my work parking lot, I told him to think about those things and accept them, or drive away and never come back. Every conflict that him and I have had over the course of our relationship has been in because one or both of us were trying to change one of those six things. Some of those attempted changes have been for the better, some have not; but either way I can look back on that conversation and say, “I told you about this on day one.” It’s a reminder to us both that we accepted each other, warts and all, and entered this relationship with our eyes wide open.

Part of good communication and prioritizing your relationship, is shattering your partner’s false perception of you as early as you can. Don’t let your partner build you up to be something more, or less, than you are. I understand that we all want to put our best foot forward and make a good first impression, but that doesn’t mean that we out and out lie to our perspective partners, and we definitely don’t want them to lie to themselves about us. Where your partner was envisioning weddings, and taking you home to meet mom; he’s now seeing bacchanalian orgies and picturing you and five other men in his bed while he’s at work. If you want to save this situation, the first thing you need to do is go slow. You don’t want to rush out and have sex with the first guy that comes along. Gradually warm your partner up to the fact that eventually you will, but that you are content to be with him, for now. Next, you need to be discreet. Definitely let your sex partner know that you have a partner and that you have permission to play, but don’t play with the barista that serves your partner his coffee every morning, or anyone in your circle of friends. Be honest; if your boyfriend asks you about something you’ve done tell him the truth, even if you think he won’t like it. A little bit of honesty up front, will build a great platform of trust down the line. Likewise, a platform of deceit will destroy that trust and your relationship. If the truth is something that he has asked not to know about, inform him that answering this question will provide him with information he told you to keep from him. Then ask him if he wants you to answer the question. Always make sure he knows that you are both willing to share the information; and respectful of his feelings, and let him decide if which is better for him in the moment. Also remember that no matter what happens later, you cannot take back a lie that’s been told. The best way to avoid any conflict about lying and mistrust, is to avoid lying at all costs. Be respectful of his feelings and his time. Never make a date with a fuck buddy if it breaks a date with your boyfriend. If you already have a date with a fuck buddy and your boyfriend wants to make plans, respectfully decline but then offer an alternative. If you find your dance card too full of tricks to make time for your boyfriend, re-evaluate your choices and priorities. Always leave time to jump in the shower between seeing a trick and seeing your boyfriend.

At some point down the line, you should also apologize to your boyfriend for withholding important information about yourself in the beginning, and admit it was a dick move on your part. That the most important thing to talk about in regards to sex with other people and your relationship, and may be the deciding factor that saves this relationship if it can be saved.

Do you have an question for “Ask Daddy”? Send it to me, for a chance to have it answered in a future column.

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